Disillusioned, Not Equipped, Part 2

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Disillusioned, Not Equipped, Part 2

Disillusioned, Not Equipped, Part 2

1 September 2011, 06:15

This article is the second of a two-part article on one young woman's battle with depression and bulimia as as result of her experiences at the Indianapolis Training Center. Part 1 can be found here.

photo courtesy of Ophelia Cherry

I wanted out! I wanted to go home! I had lost hope and trust in leadership. When I brought them a problem they said it was somehow because of some sin I had committed, or one that my parents had committed. I was tired of the judgment.

I prayed fervently that God would take my life. I did not care how. I prayed it all. Set me on fire. Make the building collapse on me. I imagined myself falling from the window. Could I hang myself? How? I had confessed my sins but God obviously had not forgiven me. I had to get out! I wanted to die.

I remembered that I had been told that I would go to hell if I killed myself. How could a child of God truly be saved and have a personal relationship with God and yet still have the desire to take her own life? I started trying other things. I tried to knock myself out. I tried crushing my ankle with one of the heavy chairs in my room. I needed help. It was not a matter of seeking attention. I needed to be rid of the judgment! I ended up crying on the floor because of what I had been trying to do. The sickening realization did finally come. I reconciled myself to the thought that I was worthless failure.

I spent another month at the ITC, mechanically doing what was required of me. I do not remember much of it now. I called my Dad and told him he needed to come get me. (I had decided I was leaving one way or another. I did not want to end up dead.)

I was called into the office of head leadership the next morning. They said Dad had called and told them he was going to come and pick me up. They asked if there was something wrong and why he was coming all of a sudden. What?! Had the leadership not been told of the phone calls and issues throughout the previous month?

When I returned home, it was hard to readjust. I was faced with a different kind of judgment. Friends and other believers asked why I had come home before my internship ended. No one asked why I’d come back; they only said that I had made the wrong choice in returning. The ones that didn’t say outright that I was wrong just didn’t say anything about it.

I was no longer comfortable even with my own family. Not because they were saying or doing anything wrong. Because I had learned a bitter distrust for anyone in authority and was waiting for someone to tell me how inadequate I was.

I struggled with bulimia for a couple of years afterwards and I still battle depression. I later learned that I have a medical disorder. Had it been treated, I would have been better able to battle the depression. I also learned that my depression was not the wrath of God being poured out on me in judgment for some heinous sin I’d committed.

I look back now, not with bitterness or fear, but with sadness that I was led to see God as a harsh God of judgment rather than seeing Him as the God who loves me despite my failures and flaws.

Sue D. was a member of the staff at Indianapolis Training Center in 2000. She left Bill Gothard's teachings behind when she married, and has spent many years learning the truth about God's love for His children. She is now in her 30's and values the role of grace more than the rule of law in her spiritual life.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

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8 Comments

Donna September 1, 2011 Reply

It is only by reading your author bio that I don't read this with a terrible feeling of hopelessness. I am relieved to kow you are figuring out what grace, mercy, and God is all about. (((HUGS)))
Tammy September 1, 2011 Reply

So glad part 2 of your story has a happier ending and that you have discovered the truth about God's love for you regardless of your failures.
Sally September 1, 2011 Reply

Wow! Amazing story. Crazy that it is not ficion and something you lived through. I cannot even count in my head how often I heard of someone making an appeal to leadership and getting a brush-off response. I cannot think of a single incident where they took an appeal seriously and actually responded inteligently. It was always some spiritual reason why you needed to suffer.

~Sally : )
E. Stephen Burnett September 1, 2011 Reply

When I brought them a problem they said it was somehow because of some sin I had committed, or one that my parents had committed.

Hmm, was your wording there perhaps intentional? Because that sounds very, very familiar ...

As [Jesus] passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

John 9: 1-3

Sadly, who has time to exalt our sovereign God who works all for His glory — including our struggles — and base one's discernment on that Biblical truth, when we have so many machines to run and anti-Biblical judgment calls to make? :-(
Sheila September 1, 2011 Reply

Your experiences of the ITC sound all too familiar.
Fortunately my parents always came and picked me up when I called them.
Mercy September 4, 2011 Reply

So, so sorry that a place that claimed to be Biblical completely failed to convey to you "there is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus." Sorry you suffered through that but thankful you're now living in God's grace and love, not under the crushing burdens of law.
Disillusioned, Not Equipped, part 1 | Recovering Grace October 28, 2011 Reply

[...] (Click here for Part 2) Sue D. was a member of the staff at Indianapolis Training Center in 2000. She left Bill Gothard’s teachings behind when she married, and has spent many years learning the truth about God’s love for His children. She is now in her 30s and values the role of grace more than the rule of law in her spiritual life. Featured ArticleTales from Training Centers Advanced Training Institute ATI authority Bill Gothard eating disorders EQUIP guilt IBLP Institute in Basic Life Principles ITC legalism Recovering Grace RecoveringGrace.org rules working conditions [...]
Christina December 30, 2012 Reply

Wow - I also did the EQUIP program in Indianapolis and had some similar experiences. They would spy on you if you weren't one of the "chosen ones" Bill Gothard sent me to my room for a week and had someone bring me my meals because I didn't feel right around someone. I couldn't wait to leave there. I was blamed for things I didn't say or do and when I would go to leadership about it they accused me of lying. And let just tell you that Bill Gothard is not a very nice person he is very manipulative. Thank God I had a friend that lived in Indianapolis to go to on some weekends(which the leadership was not happy about. But my dad threaten to pull me out of the program if they did not allow me to go) I survived all the legalism, favoritism, and manipulation by constantly reminding myself that the point was that we served the same God. I was raised watching tv, wearing jeans, listening great music, and dare I say talking to the opposite sex, and above all knowing God's Grace. I am just glad not to be part of that (as I say) cult.

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