She declared that I could no longer read my favorite authors, but was to read missionary biographies.
She declared I was reading too much.
She declared that my bedtime was 10 p.m.
She declared that I couldn’t shower at night and wash my hair.
She mandated one particular way to stack the hand-washed dishes in the drainer.
She mandated that breakfast preparation in the early morning hours was to be done her way, not in my more efficient way, which I had learned from volunteering in a commercial kitchen.
She deplored my fingernail-biting. When I exercised self-control and let them grow long enough for nail polish, she declared they were too long and cut them herself.
She forbade more than one ring per hand.
She made me remove red nail polish from my toenails, following the one time that a friend and I gave each other pedicures.
She refused to allow me to close my bedroom door for anything other than dressing.
She regulated how often I could babysit for neighbors, and the hourly rate I could charge.
She listened in on my rare phone conversations with friends and declared that I was spending too much time talking to them.
If she wanted to go ice-skating, she assumed I obviously wanted to go.
If she wanted to skip church, my only social outlet, then naturally I had to skip.
If she wanted to go to a particular restaurant, then of course I was expected to desire that, too.
My only way out, it seemed, was to get married. However, there were no suitors asking my father for my hand. In fact, the pool of available men was practically non-existent. I came to realize that even if my parents were to agree to my marrying someone, my mother would hear from God, and yank the rug out from under the proceedings sometime in the week leading up to the hypothetical marriage. It began to seem that there was no way out. The only way to survive this control was to tell myself, “God wants me to go to bed at 10 p.m. God wants His dishes stacked in the drainer this way. God wants His meal made this way.” But I slowly lost my self-identity. Everything about me was repressed, from my emotions to my private thoughts about my home life, to my personal tastes. I was merely an extension of my mother, which is how she had viewed me all along. It was hard work to constantly repress myself, but I thought that was what Jesus referred to when He said to “take up your cross and follow me.” Every year my cross grew heavier. The yoke did not get easier, nor the burden lighter. Life was bleak and full of unending boredom.
I started to question what I’d been taught about my parents being God’s word to me and the whole idea of the umbrella of authority. This idea of re-examining Scripture is highly frowned upon in Gothard circles, as the beginning of a dangerous slide into heresy. However, I had no choice! I would never be allowed to marry, I would be free only when my parents died (I would probably be 55 by that time), and life was becoming unbearable. I started to sink into a deep depression. I remember being outdoors, watering some plants, and my eyes could only see a black mist over the brightness of the spring sunshine. I thought I could sleep it off, like I always did, but the blackness over my heart was still there. I thought about suicide, because I could not bear this life that God had for me. Reason prevailed, and I decided that there had to be a better way than taking my life.
I started to look closer at the Scriptures that held me in thrall to my parents. The main verse used to support my subjugation to my parents was, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, that things may go well with thee, and that thou mayest prosper in the land.” (Eph. 6:1-3) I had always been told that the term “children” meant “offspring.” I looked it up in the original Greek, and found that the term “teknon” meant either “offspring” or “small child.” To be on the safe side, I figured it meant “offspring,” and continued to stay under my umbrella of protection.
Until I realized that my umbrella of protection, my father, had severe rips in the fabric of his umbrella. Gothard teaches that when the authority sins, he creates tears in his umbrella, and the darts of Satan can get through to those under his care. This realization hit me in the face when I walked in the house one day, and saw porn frozen all over the home computer. My parents were holed up in the bedroom, and my father was once again trying to talk and soothe and shame himself out of it. I was the one trying to restart the computer, and had to see all the pictures that my father had been viewing, and battling since he was young. He was a porn addict, and I was no safer under his so-called umbrella, than I was out from under it. I checked that Greek word for “children” again. This time I noticed that it was also mentioned in verse 4 of the passage: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” In all my years of Bible study, I had never been taught the importance of context when interpreting Scripture, or any literature, for that matter. IN CONTEXT, “children” means “little kids”! My father was no longer “bringing me up”—I was 29 by now, for heaven’s sake. This freed me and I began making plans to leave.
A job opened up out of state. When I told my parents, my mother offered up scenarios in which, now that I was leaving my protection, I would be preyed upon by evil, lascivious men. I countered that every situation she brought up had already happened, and I had easily handled every one. She glared at me, ran into her room, slammed the door, and stayed there for hours.
The day approached for me to leave. The day before, I packed up everything I would need, and took it to a helpful neighbor’s house while my mom was out shopping. I had dinner with some church acquaintances and then returned home. My parents acted as if nothing were awry and I went to bed.
Somewhere around 10 or 11 that night, I heard my mom go out to the living room. Then great cries arose. “OH GOD!” she howled at God. I knew what was happening. Gothard teaches that in a great crisis, the believer should cry aloud to God, like David did in the Psalms and then God shows Himself strong on one’s behalf. My mom continued her crying aloud, with moral support from her husband, until 2 am.
Finally, I could go to sleep.
I slept a couple hours, and then rose softly and dressed. I tiptoed out the back door with my suitcases and loaded them into my neighbor’s car. (She was taking me to the airport.) Just as I got them in the trunk, my mom came flying out of the house, her white nightgown streaming behind her, screaming, “You didn’t even say goodbye!!!!!” I jumped in the car, and we took off.
After six weeks at that job, I learned that I was working for a woman who was impossible to please. With more money in my pocket than I had ever had before, I returned to my home state.
Once my outward life there had stabilized, with housing and a job, I began the process of questioning everything I had ever been taught. If Gothard’s teachings were false, what else was false? Did I even believe in God? Was Hinduism the truth, or Shintoism, or Buddhism, or Islam? I quickly rejected those, because my rational mind couldn’t accept them. But I certainly didn’t know what to think of God, or who I thought He was. I kind of ignored Him, even though I kept going to church. I took a long break from Bible reading, because every word brought back some Gothard teaching. I only prayed when I really needed money.
I joined a Yahoo group, where people who were former Gothard followers deconstructed and refuted all of Gothard’s false teachings. They pointed out time after time where Gothard had twisted Scripture, proof-texted, and used circular reasoning. I felt like I was undergoing deprogramming from a cult. Belief after belief were shown to be false, and the true interpretation of the Scripture was shown.
God continued to fill my life with normal, kind, generous people. I had new friends at a new church, who showed me love, and were interested in me as a person, not as an extension of my mother.
There I learned about grace, which is traditionally defined as “unmerited favor.” Gothard has his own definition of grace: “The desire and power to do God’s will.” I learned that because of God’s unmerited favor, He loved me no matter what. I could stop performing in order to merit His love and favor. I started to have a new view of God.
As a result of being shown love by friends, I started to recognize love in God. I felt closer to God, in ways I never was before. In church, songs about God’s love, or Christ’s death as result of love for me, brought tears to my eyes. I even cried at the Christmas service, as I realized that when Jesus was born He began a process culminating in His death, all because He loved me.
I continue to learn who God is. I know that I no longer have to perform in order to please God. Life is no longer black and white, but includes multiple shades of grey. I no longer worry about missing God’s will—I just figure that I’ll go through doors, unless God closes them. And if I make mistakes, God is big enough to create something good out of my mistakes. I am finally free of the twisted beliefs of the Gothard cult.
The process of healing from the emotional and spiritual abuse at home has been long and arduous, fraught with many tears. I’ll never know why I had to go through this pain, when others grow up in normal, healthy environments. Eight years of my adult life were thrown away–years that my peers spent in advancing their careers and starting families. Relationships within my family have been destroyed forever. All this because I was taught lies, which were used to hold me in bondage within a dysfunctional, abusive home. Even though my belief system has changed, the scars, grief, and set-backs from my Gothardized upbringing continue to this day. I know, however, that God is big enough to redeem the misery caused by Gothard’s teachings and I look forward to helping others escape the iron grip of spiritual and emotional abuse.
Joy T. is a small-business-woman from California and holds a bachelor's degree in music. Her passions include dogs, Beethoven, and Charles Dickens. She has a heart for helping those who have been destroyed by abusive relationships and supporting them as they learn how to be loved again.
Great article, and grateful for the author sharing it. The book of Joel reminds us that God can 'redeem the years the locusts have taken' and I hope you are able to find wonderful forward direction in this new stage of life. Gothardism can be so crippling to independent maturing adulthood.
God is certainly in the process of redeeming those years, and sharing here is part of it. I'm grateful for this forum!
Thank you so much for writing this! I can definitely identify with parts of this.
Thanks for sharing your story. It couldn't have been easy to rehash in your mind, but I know that God will use it to help others deal with their painful pasts. So glad that your are finally free! Like Kevin quoted from the book of Joel. God can redeem the years the locusts have taken! That is my prayer for you!
Well said. So sorry for your pain, yet so glad you are using it to help others.
Your story is so similar to many other former ATI students. Hurts my heart to hear about such suffocation. =( BUT... I'm so glad you're out!!! =)
Thank you for opening up and being so vulnerable about such an incredibly dark time in your life. God never ceases to amaze me by His incredible ways of redeeming us from the enemy's grasp. God graciously led you through some potentially terrifying steps and you had the courage and faith to follow. May God continue His beautiful work in your life and fill your life with unspeakable joy, peace, fellowship, and healing! Praising God for you and with you!!!!
So incredibly sad to read this, but overjoyed that you are FREE!
My mom used the "rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft" verse as well when I dared to disagree or express a different opinion. Matt was always shocked that she would say such things to me, but I guess I wasn't the only one after all.
I think a lot of us Mom's did this not realizing the destruction we were causing our kids. Wish I had "do-overs." Thankful for God's forgiveness & grace.
Reading this made me so sad. Thank you for sharing.
Didn't know too much about Bill Gothard until a month ago when I started researching him. I stumbled upon this site when I started looking into Gothardism. I have been reading it every day since. Thank you for those who write and educate others despite the pain.
There is so much heresy in Gothard's teachings. Someone I know says he has "left" the organization but still does work for it from time to time. I am trying to come to grips as to what his actions might mean.
Your story is very similar to mine. I lived with this kind of control on a daily basis. So glad you were able to get away!
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to so many of your experiences, and it brings some comfort that I was not so alone in my confusion and pain of trying to obey my parents in their home through my twenties. Though I am sorry that so many went through this as well.
Now that I'm out of ATI, I find it funny/amusing that Bill Gothard uses an umbrella as the picture of ultimate spiritual protection - one would think he would choose a fortress or castle, but an umbrella?! God is never pictured as an umbrella in the Scriptures, but He is referred to as a Rock, a Fortress, and a Strong Tower, none of which can suffer from "tears." Praise Jesus!
AMEN!!! :)
Many things are so much clearer now that we are out from Bill's indoctrination! Most of his teachings are just ludicrious.
Good point!
That's right! What a flimsy shelter an umbrella is. And no one lives under an umbrella, it's design is to offer temporary shelter as we pass from one place to another. How foolish we were to listen to BG.
Sweet friend, my heart broke as I read your story. I have heard little bits and pieces of it before, but not like this. I can't imagine growing up under that kind of control and repression of who God made YOU to be. Thank GOD for your bravery to search out Who He truly is, and act upon it! So proud of you.... thanks for sharing.
I could have almost wrote that article... We had almost to the dot the same thing happen... only I had five sisters. We had one die, one eloped, one is still at home and two sisters and I left in our late 20's to early 30's to pursue what we believed to truly be God's will for our lives. What I don't fully understand is that the "headship" of the mother that we both experienced is not what is necessarily taught out right...yet I think you hit it on the key of the holes in the umbrella... It was always my father's fault for everything... My mother was the spiritual one, etc. It has really been a process. I ended up attending a very legalistic college for 4 and 1/2 years, and am still healing from all of the effects. But God put us in it for a reason and if nothing more to realize that we are nothing but a sinner saved by the grace of a mercifucl God. God bless you!
I relate to you as well as the author! My mother was the matriarch and my father could do no right. And it was my mother ultimately I was to obey. So glad we are free from all this. Did your 2 other siblings get out after you left?
As former ATI, I've been reading here a bit. I think much of Bill Gothard's teaching is accurate -- but twisted humans take it out of balanace. The scriptures do teach about being under authority. Obviously, this girl's father and mother were both Way out of Balance and misapplied Bill Gothard's teachings. This story is very sad, but should not be blamed entirely on ATI. Also, I always heard Bill Gothard say to to search the scriptures for ourselves.
I disagree. I believe the teachings themselves are extreme and overboard. Teaching that colored nail polish is rebellion, associated with witchcraft? Also his definition of grace is WAY off, he basically makes grace all about works. What sort of grace is that? What sort of Christianity does that give you? I'll tell you what kind, it gives you a performance-based Christianity, one that I lived for many years. The story above? Described my relationship w/ my mother to a tee. Gothard gives parents absolute authority over their children, for an indefinite period of time.
Ann, I also whole heartedly disagree that much of Bill's teachings are accurate. Quite the contrary. I'm a parent who taught many of his heresies to my children. We were in the program for over 16 yrs. I wouldn't be considered extreme either. I can say that his false teachings have affected me in a lot of ways. It has been a long process of deprogramming. As for Bill saying to search the Scriptures for ourselves, I find that to be very interesting. Anyone who questions what Bill teaches is told they have sin in their heart. Bill has rejected the advice and counsel of many wise biblical scholars. As far as him being a man under authority. He doesn't even practice what he teaches. He is his own boss. Anyone who disagrees with him gets fired. Read the stories. They are all here. There is a category on this website called: "Upon Further Review: Twisted Scriptures; that aren't just stories, but are filled with Bill's teachings and biblically why they are wrong. "Gothard's Biblical Innoculations is one that comes to my mind." Also, you should read, "A Call For Discernment" that is posted on the main page and written by the elders of a church in Texas refuting the inaccuracy of Bill's teachings."
Hi, Tammy!
I love seeing a mom on here saying she taught heresy because you didn't know better. Love that you now see the light and were willing to admit it. I just wish my parents would also admit. I bought the book, "A Matter Of Principles" and gave it to my parents. My younger sister still at home is the one who told me that she took it to another respected dad out of the program and asked him if it was true. He said it was. And yet my mom still can not talk to me about it! Thank you for your honesty and retracting what you taught. I am sure your children are the better for it.
This story is powerful. I'm sure it was difficult to write it, Joy, but thank you for doing so.
Joy, thanks so much for writing! I get so angry at the irony that our kind of lifestyles end up scaring many of us away from God. I left home at 21 and have had one spiritual crisis after another since then. Like you, I've had to consciously distance myself from everything about God that has been ingrained in me. There have been many occasions in which I was sure I wasn't a Christian.
It's only been since last summer that I have been able to get a healthy view of God. It's weird, because I have more questions about God and Christianity now than I ever did living at home - I knew every Bible verse to support every belief we held, had all the arguments and logic down. But my spiritual life is so much healthier now than it ever has been before!
Oh Joy, I wish I could hug you so tight. :-) I loved this, absolutely loved it. I'm so proud of you, for what you've faced, overcome, and worked through. In spite of everything you've become one of the kindest and most loving people I know. I hate what has happened in your past, in mine, grieve over what was lost, but I'm so happy we didn't stay there in the darkness. I'm so glad we're in the light now, and that we aren't alone.
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Wow Joy, I'm so glad you found your way out.
I have been to a few Basics and one Advanced. I stuffed envelopes for seminars at the local IBLP office one summer for extra cash. I just found this site tonight and shake my head in sadness at what I'm reading - it's all too familiar.
My best friend from age 18 to 29 was raised in ATI/IBLP. She never went to college. She helped her mom "keep" their home. She didn't have a job outside their home until she was 24. That only lasted a year and then she returned to working around the family home. I was not raised in that environment, but since it was obviously important to her and her family, I wore skirts when I visited their home or went out with them. I turned off my "unclean" music before I drove onto their property. I bought a KJV Bible to use at their house. I was careful to stand on the opposite side of the room from wherever her younger brother happened to be (so I didn't "tempt" him.)
I was molested for several years as a young girl (before I knew her or her family) and when, at 29, I finally started to deal with the issues stemming from the abuse my friend pulled away. Understand, we were like sisters. It was not uncommon for us to speak on the phone daily and see each other socially 3-4 times a week, often including spending the night at her house (never mine though... too unclean - we were just regular Christians.) Due to the intensity of what I was dealing with it took me several weeks to realize that she had faded out of my life. When I finally demanded that she speak to me on the phone (her mother had been fielding and filtering all my calls) she said that I was out from under my authority, dredging up things that I should just forgive and leave in the past and generally bringing too much drama into her life. She told me we were taking a break from our friendship for 3 months. After that amount of time we tried to reconcile, but it was too late - I was "out of the box" and had found freedom from many things, including finally seeing how our friendship was dominated by her legalism. Her ultimatum was 'her way or the highway' and I chose the highway. A year later I tried to reconcile with her, to to avail. Another year later I tried again, for the last time.
I am 38 now. I have seen her once since then, as we drove past each other on the road. Up until last year we lived 5 miles apart. We have not spoken since my last attempt to reconcile with her. I have begun to re-friend her brother who is now married and has a child. They are currently estranged as she gave her new sis-in-law the highway ultimatum over some issue as well. I have spoken politely with her parents when I encountered them in public. It's been a few years since I last asked, maybe 2 or 3, but at that time she was still living with and keeping her parent's home and not working outside the home. I find it devestatingly sad. There are times I think I should go to her home and shake her until she wakes from the stupor she is living in, but as yet, do not feel the peace of God about that plan. I'm not sure He'll ever endorse that plan. But I do continue to pray for my friend; I hope someday she sees the truth and breaks free.
That's a powerful mental image, of a friend passing you by on the road. It can hurt so deeply when a friend walks away right when you needed them most.
An ancient poem expresses something similar, when a man was betrayed by his friend. Not exactly the same thing as being abandoned by a friend but sometimes it's not entirely different, either. And it's actually a Psalm but I like to think of it as an ancient poem -
It is not an enemy who taunts me—
I could bear that.
It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—
I could have hidden from them.
Instead, it is you—my equal,
my companion and close friend.
What good fellowship we once enjoyed
as we walked together to the house of God.
My heart hurts for you, Carollynn. You obviously have a lot of strength and courage. Here's a cheer for you from the sidelines. Keep it up, friend! Keep moving forward.
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, that things may go well with thee, and that thou mayest prosper in the land"
Except for Administrator noticing that in context, These children mean underage people, can another thing be part of what frees from an interpretation that puts in bondage?
Is this:
a)"Children, obey your (biological) parents in the (manner that fits those who are in the) Lord"?
Or should it be understood b)"(Spiritual) Children, obey your parents in the Lord (those who teach you the true way of God)"?
If the latter, then children are still asked to honor their biological father and mother. But honor is not synonymous with obedience. And who should be obeyed? Spiritual parents. [This was thinking out loud, not teaching. Test before learning from it.]
Joy, Carollyn, though the particulars of your stories don't match mine, the harshness of growing up in that environment does.
While I appreciate Daniel's sentiment, I disagree that there is a "reason" for the damage some of us suffered in childhood and adolescence. Can we choose to move on and turn the experience into something good? Absolutely, positively. That is our choice. We can choose not to wallow.
But would life have been better, healthier, happier, if we had not had to experience these things? Absolutely, positively.
I feel like too often the "there is a reason" absolves religious professionals and parents from criminal behavior. I will remind people that Gothard & Company (and it *is* a company) and Bob Jones University and others of these control freaks make very, very good money off their followers.
I know at least in the 1970s, Gothard liked to brag that he made very little money off IBYC. But people bought his suits for him, they paid all his expenses. He never wanted for anything, because his "principles" paid his way.
My gut tells me that at some point, someone somewhere has to say that what these people endorse and promote goes beyond normal faith and ventures into violations of criminal law. Their doctrines include keeping young women indentured out of fear of God. That is not right.
Wow!!! Breaks my heart and yet hits so close to home! I was 23 when I came to a very similar realization and plan to get out. I am so sorry that you were 29! But it is what it is and I am also on exactly the same page/journey that you stated about learning of God's grace and the healing that He is bringing to my life!!!
Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Wow girl...what a journey! I have so loved getting to know you over the last year or so. You are such a strong woman with fabulous insight into life...thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for this extra warning/encouragement for me to do what I have felt increasingly that I need to do...
Thank-you for this, Joy T.! A friend directed me to read this as I was struggling with the same thing - a father who believes his will for me is God's will for me.
If I may offer you a work of encouragement in return? You stated: "I’ll never know why I had to go through this pain, when others grow up in normal, healthy environments."
Here is what I learned, from my own life. I grew up in painful circumstances: an emotionally and verbally abusive father who was quick to temper, insecure, controlling, manipulative, and paranoid. My brother found "release" from his pain by treating me as his punching bag (emotionally). I was an outcast at school and constantly bullied. I developed chronic depression around the age of 10. My first true freedom from depression - not all of it, but the strongman of it - was when I realized that all the pain in my life was used for good - to soften my heart. You see, I am a high-minded type of person; that is, me default is my brain. I was destined to be an intellectual arrogant jerk had not I been through the pain to build up my sensitivities as a means to be sensitive to others. (That's kind of putting it simply.) Plus, I would not have the relationship with God I now have if not for the pain I went through (for I clung to God through the pain). And so, for the first time in my life, I was able to verbally thank God for the pain, and actually mean it. It was then, in that instant, that the fog, the darkness of depression was broken off of me.
So, for you, based on what I learned, this road you were raised on has been used of God to shape you in a unique way. You would not be here ministering to broken people had you not likewise been broken. I can't vouch for what you would be like or where you would be had you not been through your pain; but it certainly would not be here.
I hope and pray you may find comfort in your heart in this at least.
Blessings!
I've read this story several times, and every time I am amazed at how close I came to living this. My mother was also extremely controlling and I also was not allowed to work, and therefore couldn't afford to go to college, buy a car or move out of the home. Especially since all debt is always evil.
My mother died when I was 19 and although it sounds horrible to say it I don't know how my life would have turned out if she hadn't.
I have an ex-best friend who is still entangled in these teachings and I wish I could physically pull her out and open her eyes.
She is 25 now, still living at home, doing 90% of the work, unable to get a job, have a savings account own anything of her own, or have her own life.
The sad thing is she thinks that I have just gone of the deep end and we can hardly have a good conversation, I miss her and wish I could change everything.
This story was basically my childhood. Both older brothers left home and I was left at home with my mom while my dad was at work for 12 hours every day. I, like many of you, have simply had to place hundreds of miles between myself and my parents because of my upbringing. The worst part is trying to relearn EVERYTHING for the first time. I cant read King James any more. I cant listen to orchestrated hymns. I might suggest to those here struggling with moms in particular to read "The Mom Factor" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Its a great book and can help put some perspective around the anger that unhealthy moms have caused. It was the first book I read that started me on a journey out of the self hate that comes from Gothard teachings. I'm so glad I found this site because I had never refuted any of his teachings, I just decided to go my own way and live with slowly lessening guilt. This is really helping me actually helping me surface and let go of a bunch of anger and guilt that I have carried. I'll admit I'm on the fence with some stuff, like the concept of God and authority. But if I don't choose God for myself then I'm not really choosing. And if I'm not making an educated choice its not really a choice, its a whim. (btw, as point of respect to myself and the point of this post, please refrain from referencing any Armenian or Calvinist ideas if anyone replies to my message. This is not the place for that discussion.)
I'm a parent of a 24, 20,and 16 year old. I have always seen my children as persons I was responsible to teach about God so they could eventually break away from their mom and dad and learn to rely on God. Gothards teachings on authority and children does not pave the way for children to ever rely first and foremost on God.