Courtship? After ALERT, our family moved to North Carolina. I had a crush on a girl back in Texas and told my Dad about it. My Dad thought that our personalities were not compatible, but I was insistent, so he told her father about it. The girl’s father said that they would be attending a specific conference that I was also going to, and I would have that one week to get her to like me without me actually telling her about my interest. That father had published a bunch of CDs on Christian courtship, all of which I had listened to and taken notes on — so I was ready. When I arrived at the conference, the pressure was on.

What I did not know then was that her father had said the same thing to two other guys. And they were much better at it than I was. I would just sit there in the coffee shop with this other guy and watch him go. It was like I did not exist. My sister ran interference for me, but she ran into the guy’s father, who sternly told her to lay off. We were both crying and confused. If this was courtship, then this is not the way either of us expected it to be. We drove home confused, emotionally drained, and depressed.

Deeper into Legalism. During this time, our family got involved with Vision Forum and the National Center for Family Integrated Churches, but that is a different story with another whole line-up of weirdness. Still, I think that our experiences with ATI opened the door to these even more legalistic systems.

Struggles. I received my Associates in Applied Science at a local community college. I found I had little to no ability to communicate effectively with other people, but that slowly changed. I didn’t swear, drink, smoke, or date girls — these things were sinful. I held on very tightly to the things I understood: girls were not an option, we listened only to classical music, my sisters wore only dresses, and I was very verbal about how they dressed so that they would not defraud men.

I felt called to go into the military but was denied enlistment into the Marines and the Army. In January 2006, I applied to the United States Military Academy and was denied. The following January, I was accepted on the condition that I attend a military prep school. I graduated from the prep school in June 2007 and went to West Point.

While at the prep school, I met a girl at an all-girls college across the street. We went to the same church, and I thought, “Screw the courtship covenant! I’m gonna give this a shot.” I took her out two or three times just to get to know her. Things were going great until I found out that she wanted to be a doctor and loved Hillary Clinton’s health-care reform — two things I disagreed with staunchly. I sent her some stuff I believed was gospel truth —  stuff from Vision Forum’s website and ATI’s websites about girls not going to college, getting married young and having “19 kids and counting,” and being ultra-conservative. All of these ideas ticked her off and ended any possibility of a relationship.

That experience was very nice though — I learned what things I held dear, what things I could learn about and adapt to, and what not to say to a girl.

West Point. I went to West Point, and the basic concepts that I was raised with (duty, honor, country, plus all the character qualities in the Wisdom Booklets) were honed to a fine point. First I was taught to follow and obey orders, and then I was slowly given chances to lead groups and make decisions that affected others.

After my first year there was completed, Mom called me, crying, “Your three-year-old brother has leukemia and is not expected to live past six months.” I had a decision to make, but I didn’t quite realize it until I went to see my family at the hospital. Seeing Bob in the pediatric cancer ward, I felt like I should give back to my family by coming home and helping out. After summer training at West Point, I out-processed. This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I stand with that choice.

Verity. I had been unemployed for a month when my folks recommended Verity to complete my bachelor’s degree. My initial reaction was, “Nope, not interested.” But, knowing that I would be distance-learning and have little to no interaction with the ATI people, I tried it.

My initial reaction to Verity held true: they were a bunch of people who hardly got outside their front door unsupervised, had a very unrealistic view of life, and had never had any hardships. Overall, the ones I encountered were judgmental people like I once was. At the end of my time there, though, I did find that they actually cared about me and my family.

I told my folks I wanted to be on-site, but the money was not there. So I decided to get a job. I applied for work for four months without any responses until I was offered a job as a salesman with a national security system service. Soon, I was working 70 hours a week with little return on my efforts.

Another Relationship. While this was going on, I met a girl at Verity who lived 150 miles away. I attempted to start a relationship, and I blew it because my concept of relationships was still messed up. In fact, this relationship went worse than the others. I was pulled into the Dean’s office for trying to talk to her after curfew. The dean was very angry with me for what I did, but I didn’t understand. The girl was giving me a hard time, and I wanted to know what was going on with her. I’m 24. What’s the issue?

The issue was that I tried to talk to her without a sponsor (someone to monitor the conversation)! I was told that if I pulled another stunt like that I’d be kicked out. Fair enough — I’d walk the line. But now there was a girl living on the floor above me who was constantly dropping in on the Dean to create drama about me — drama that was all imagined on her end. At the same time, I had to go see the Dean on a weekly basis to learn what is wrong with me. Why I don’t have a burning desire to seek God more or why I feel certain ways about different issues. The thing is, regardless of what was right or wrong, in the end — Mr. Gothard’s book held the key.

Student and Staff. After the girl graduated I went back to distance-learning for a semester because I couldn’t afford to stay on-site. When I returned, my closest friend was being expelled by Mr. Gothard for not agreeing to take the vow of single service. At the same time, a staff member was also beginning a “relationship” with a girl student — when I say relationship, I mean they would talk on occasion, and people would gossip and then leadership would confront them and one or the other may say, “I like him/her.” The school leadership was already working the poor guy 80 hours a week and he was getting called into the office of Student Affairs or the President’s office about this girl. It got to the point where what might have been just a casual attraction was growing into a major potential thing. Because, of course, when you order someone not to think about something, they only think about it more.

This staff member came to me and my roommate for help. I told him he had to either choose to obey orders (like a soldier) or quit the position. He chose to quit, leaving me to take up the slack. I came in as the only student/staff member. My final two semesters on-site, I was working 20 to 60 hours a week depending on how much school I had to do. However, I had none of the freedoms the staff had (movies, music, pay). I was all ministry, and I was good at it. I ran the copy center and did a lot of IT projects for the school.

I was told that the school’s leadership wanted me to permanently join the staff. I was flattered but not interested. But my roommate started pushing me that direction, and I thought, “Maybe I’ll meet my wife here. At least there’s enough desperate single Christian girls who want to have kids and homeschool.” I was looking for desperate because I was more desperate than anyone else I knew. I just never acted on it because I did not need to go through another two semesters of being on the “bad boys list.”

Choices. So I asked if I would be considered for a permanent position. Around this time, I was given a lot of responsibility in the sense that I was asked to do a number of last-minute projects by the president of the school. One of the more stressful ones was to lead 20 people from Jerusalem to Indianapolis without leaving anyone behind. That was dropped in my lap about five hours before we left. Praise God everyone got back safely, but due to the stress and lack of sleep, I said things to people in the process that should not have been said.

Then I was told that there was a new policy of requiring a vow of single service for a year, “and then you can court someone on staff.” Knowing first-hand what happened to my friend who had refused to sign the vow of single service, I was unsure of whether I should stay. I discussed it with other staffers. Some said I should stay, and some suggested I go after graduating.

Our mission trip was to Israel. On our return, I had terrible jet lag which I never recovered from because I had to teach Management Info Systems right after we got back (arrived on Saturday, teaching on Monday). I prepared from 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. and taught from 9 a.m.  to 12 p.m. for eight days straight. I had one week of normal schedule — IT projects, writing essays and stuff — and then the senior retreat.

Senior Retreat. We arrived in Wisconsin at Dr. Guthrie’s farm, and the first day we were there a close friend of mine’s Dad died. We prayed for him as he was sobbing on my chest. That is when I really started coming apart. The week was beautiful, but I started to do things I wouldn’t normally do. I started coming out and opening myself up to people and caring for them.

In the process, I realized I had this thing for another girl, one whom I did not think I was attracted to because her walk with God was more charismatic than my own. In my view, God was to be feared and revered, and a relationship with Him was a very private thing for me. You never saw me pray in public because I was not very good at it. I did all I could to be as real as I could, and in doing so things were being said of me that were untrue, but all I could do was count on my actions being louder than the gossips around me.

At lunch one day, I asked her what her plans were and then, thinking that she was following a guy to California, I left the table abruptly. She asked me what was wrong. I asked her to leave me alone. I told her I really need to be away from people; I was coming apart. She wouldn’t leave me alone. I told her I had this thing for her but I didn’t know what to do with it. She freaked out. So did I.

The last week of school was one of bonding as adults (not as much supervision). I wasn’t sure how to handle that, so I did all I could to avoid her — without success. She asked me how long I had felt that way and my answer was, “Since I first met you.” Then she was like, “What about these other three girls?” She had an excellent point: Why didn’t I just focus on serving God and not try to get to know people?

Broken Health. Those last eight days finally broke me. I was exhausted from getting two or three hours of sleep a day. I started hallucinating, and my fight-or-flight drive was bouncing back from one to another. I was getting hot flashes and throwing up a lot. After graduation I fainted, and my short-term memory was shot. I had a manic attack in Indianapolis and another in L.A. Got medication and a flight home from Mexico and the doctor said my blood pressure was shot and I had a 102 degree fever. I’ve been on anti-convulsants and anti-depressants for the past two and a half months.

I have had difficulty concentrating or wanting to do anything but wait for the next day to come. My thought processes are halting, and I stammer a lot. I forget things, and I have difficulty feeling emotions about anything. An alternative doc says my adrenals are shot and are slowly coming back up. My mental processes are still messed up.  I don’t know where I will go from here. I don’t know when — or if — my life will return to normal.

And maybe it’s not all something you can blame on ATI and its legalistic  culture. But some of it is. Some of it definitely is.