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Moscow, Russia. December 1995. — I sat in the lobby of the Moscow Training Center (MTC) orphanage, watching the snow fall. The red carpet and chandeliers cast a cheery glow upon the white blanketed view beyond the windows. I could sit and watch the snow fall for hours. As one unaccustomed to snow, I was mesmerized by watching it fall in soft, lazy patterns.
Somewhere a child laughed. I recognized the child from their laugh but did not turn. It was a world that was closing to me. I had given a year of my life for Russia, for these children, but now I was being dismissed in disgrace.
I arrived at the MTC orphanage in January 1995, eager to make a difference in young lives. That spring, the first batch of orphans was placed with the MTC orphanage, and certain Advanced Training Institute (ATI) families living at the MTC were designated “orphanage families.” Makeshift apartments were set up, and children were divided up among these families, in a foster-type situation.
From the beginning, the arrangement was emotionally confusing to the Americans who worked with the orphans. For one thing, none of the children were available for adoption. For another, most had a custodial family member they would go home to visit on the weekend. Often, the home situation to which the children returned on the weekend was quite abusive. This presented challenges to the families in their dealings with the orphans.
Another confusing issue was the admonition to “love these kids like your own,” when it was not permissible to discipline them in the same manner you would discipline your own children. Also, since all of the families homeschooled (and felt very strongly about doing so), it was confusing that the orphans attended school in a classroom-type situation every day.
I first arrived at the MTC as a single student, so I spent my days cleaning, cooking, or running errands, with an occasional coveted interaction with the darlings of the MTC, the orphans, after I had been carefully “screened.” I have no idea what that process was, or whether it was just an informal process of getting to know each student, but I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I was being watched. It was simply how this system worked, and I had been around long enough to know it.
I learned to mind my p’s and q’s, never make waves, never question the decision of an authority figure, give 110 percent in my work, and show my devotion with an unwavering “ministry smile” at all times. I think I was well-liked by the leadership at that time.
Around late May, when I was expecting to return home, my parents started communicating with me about joining me in Moscow and serving there for another year as a family. I was really excited, but had a hard time believing my family would be approved.
I went home in June — but only for a month. We attended the annual ATI conference in Knoxville, and, as I recall received confirmation that my entire family was invited to the MTC before the week was over. It was a whirlwind time, and July found our family in Moscow. As there was a shortage of orphanage families for the upcoming school year, my family was asked to serve in this capacity.
And that’s where the trouble started. As I mentioned before, there were several issues that were confusing for the orphanage families, and for my parents as well. Unlike me, my parents had not learned to walk the line. They didn’t understand the “don’t make waves, never question an authority” mindset. They had some very valid questions and concerns about the way things were being done.
After the fall semester, my parents decided there were too many inconsistencies and frustrations for them to continue working directly with the orphans, although they were happy and willing to continue serving at the MTC in some other capacity. They delivered a letter outlining their concerns to the MTC leadership, requesting a different assignment.
I was already developing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) while they were writing the letter. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t concentrate. I begged them not to submit it. I knew it would set in motion a traumatic chain of events, but I couldn’t predict exactly what. But my parents seemed puzzled by my adamant opposition. In their world, they were accustomed to occasionally being allowed to express disagreement.
The letter was submitted in December, amid the flurry and bustle of preparing for the annual pensioner meetings that were held around the time of our American Christmas. Food was being shopped for and prepared, the MTC was being decorated, gifts were being wrapped, students were pairing their finest navy and white with festive sweaters and bows for the days-long occasion. Very little sleep was had by anyone. Cleaning and scrubbing was done, crown molding finally applied to areas that had long been under construction. Everyone waited with bated breath for Mr. Gothard’s arrival.
The letter met with huge reaction from the leadership in the States. Not so much by the leadership in Moscow, as they were aware and somewhat sympathized with my parents’ concerns. But the on-site leaders had to follow the orders coming from higher up. We were immediately removed from our position as orphanage family without being put into any other position. We were told that we would probably be sent home, but that Mr. Gothard would make the final decision when he arrived.
I was physically ill by this time. The conflict was taking its toll. I felt weak and was extremely tired at all hours of the day and night. I struggled with nausea, insomnia, and loss of appetite. Due to this general, unexplained feeling of illness, I managed to be excused from most of the preparations for the pensioner meetings. I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours a night, waking at the slightest sound, real or imagined. My mother became very ill as well, as every health problem she’s ever had tends to surface all at once when she is under extreme stress.
The overseas director arrived for the pensioner meetings, and that’s when the stress was the worst. No one knew what Mr. Gothard’s final decision would be, but we were met with dire threats from the overseas director, and condemnation for having ever written such a letter. We were like enemies trapped together in the orphanage–we couldn’t get away from each other… Just waiting day by day for Mr. Gothard to arrive. We were told that our entire family must stand before the whole orphanage and publicly apologize for our subversive activity in writing such a letter, even though only the leadership was privy to it. To his credit, my father flatly refused to do any such thing.
When the long-awaited meeting with Mr. Gothard finally took place, he was amicable … as long as we were willing to leave. My parents had had enough by that time and were ready to throw in the towel. My parents offered to leave, citing my mother’s health issues as the reason. And so it was agreed.
We arrived in the States, having no place to go, not having had time to make any arrangements for ourselves. Fortunately, a relative was able to secure a small rental for us the first few months, until we found something else. I thought I was going crazy, as the PTSD symptoms escalated. I couldn’t tolerate loud noises, or music or crowds. Just going to the store would cause me to have an anxiety attack.
Perhaps most distressing was realizing that we had to hide the circumstances of our hasty departure from our church, which was strongly supportive of ATI, or we would lose all community support at a time when we most needed emotional support. Because Bill Gothard’s version of “sending home” is the equivalent of an excommunication, an ostracizing, a shunning within the community. So mum was the word, and we were instead treated as returning (albeit exhausted) heroes.
I was bewildered that such a man of God could treat us this way. After all, hadn’t we done everything right? Hadn’t we made a “proper appeal” the way he had taught us to? Hadn’t we followed all the steps and formulas and seminars and notebooks and charts and diagrams?
Either something was terribly, terribly wrong with me, or else something was terribly, terribly wrong with this organization. Why would they treat people this way merely for expressing disagreement? I felt overwhelming guilt. But at the same time, I felt shock and horror at what I had witnessed. It was the first time I was really forced to face the spiritually abusive nature of this organization.
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Thanks for sharing your story, Hannah! I'm sorry for the way you were treated. I'm proud of your dad for doing the right thing by "appealing," even though it didn't go so well!
Thanks for sharing, "Hanna". Having seen a part of what went on there with your family, but not understanding what was really going on, this is interesting. If it is any consolation, the stands that your parents took served as an example for several other families, years later, that questioned things that were going on in the orphan ministry. I was able to write a couple of letters to Mr. Gothard about the fallacies of the methods we were using (specifically the then-new South Campus). He answered me politely, but literally with the explanation that his main reason was to "encourage" his American donors.
Thank you, Robert! I don't even think the issues we had then are the same issues we would have today regarding the work at the MTC. I definitely take issue with it, but as I've grown in my understanding of grace, it's a very different set of issues. I can't even remember the specifics of my parents' letter, but in restrospect those are not the real issue to me, but rather the idea that someone could be so horribly mistreated and shamed just for saying, "I don't agree."
Thanks for sharing, Hannah. I'm glad you got out: kudos for telling your story so others might try to as well.
It's a terrible thing to carry shame and guilt when you didn't actually do anything wrong. To an outsider, it doesn't seem like such a big deal that you got sent home. But those of us in ATI know very well what a disgrace that was, and why you had to hide it from your church. Thanks for telling your story.
"I can't even remember the specifics of my parents' letter, but in retrospect those are not the real issue to me, but rather the idea that someone could be so horribly mistreated and shamed just for saying, "I don't agree."
Questioning? Verboten! Not agreeing? Verboten? Thinking for yourself? Verboten!!
Why didn't the red flags go up sooner for so many of us? I guess it was that because we were exposed to this twisted concept of 'authority' from "such a godly man."
P.s. had the same experience w/Mr.Mattix, overseas director extraordinaire. Not the best guy for encouraging folks to stay on board. More of an approach of "question not the anointed of the Lord (i.e., Me and mr.G), or the Lord, He shall smite you for the rest of your short and unhappy life!" Almost a literal quote. =)
The really scary thing is that folks are still buying into the whole iblp/ati schpiel.
Thank you for sharing, Hannah. I'm so sorry that happened. :(
Thanks for sharing your story, Hannah. I saw plenty of this type of behavior during my tenure as IBLP staff - leadership playing favorites, vilifying those who didn't parrot back the party line, etc. I'm sorry that your family had to endure all of this.
I'll be praying that God gives you many happy memories this Christmas and those to come so that the stress/triggers of these events become nothing more than a distant memory fading in the rear view mirror.
Dear Hannah, I was a Russian student at MTC at that time, not an orphan. Let me tell you, whoever you are, that MTC changed lives, no matter how wrong some of the methods were. Mostly because there were people like you and your parents, that showed us that there is something more to Christianity than mere hipocracy. You and many others showed us love that we never knew before. Maybe some of your smiles were fake, but a lot of them were real, and we felt it. I am so sad to read about how mistreated you were. But be assured that it wasn't for nothing. You played a big role in somebody's life, probably without knowing about it. Some of the people that influenced me deeply hardly knew my name - and yet I watched them and learned. God can do beautiful things in the midst of ugliness, but He needs people to go. Thanks for going then. Thanks all of you who served at MTC in 1995, the year I came to know Jesus, because of you.
Thank you, Alina.
Wow Hanna..as painful as your family and you endured at the hand's of Bill Gothard..God was true to His word that all thing's work together for good'. The ministry of recoveringgrace is well timed and an incredible blessing.I have read from many sources that any who disagreed even a little with the 'elite; in Bill Gothard's organization is met with accusation's,anger,slander and harsh consequences.I read that BillGothard and the 'elite' in his organization refuse correction as well as accountibility.That tell's me there is an awful lot of pride blinding their eyes. We all know where that lead's.How incredibly tragic.
It always makes me sad to hear stories like this. The one and only time I questioned anything, I first made sure my heart was right, prepared in prayer, made an appeal according to the prescribed method we had all been taught...and was branded as a rebel and threatened with being sent home. Though I apologized profusely, I was "watched" from then on. Apparently, you can only make appeals to non-authority figures...or non-Christians...or....I'm not sure who. I never made a successful one while in ATI!
I am sorry you had to go through that, Jaime :( Because it really is a social shunning in those circles.
"Hanna,"
Though I don't know who you are, we would have been at MTC at the same time in the beginning of 1995. I am so sorry for the pain you and your family endured. However, I am so glad that you are pursuing Christ! As was stated in earlier posts, God used even the ugliness of men's actions for His glory.
DeShea! I do remember you ;)
The whole idea of accepting the decisions of those in authority without question or discussion is reprehensible and cult-like. I also felt that if we ever left ATI, it would be the "end of the world". Now that seems so silly.
If the system were all about Jesus, I probably would still be in it, but the problem is that I discovered that the center of the system is Gothard and his doctrines--not Jesus.
Some have pointed out the problem where those in high IBLP leadership refuse to consider any questioning of any decision.
I believe that this comes from the teaching of authority--especially Mr. Gothard's authority because many of them consider Gothard to be "annointed by the Lord." The illusion of delegated authority (chain of command) from God, through Gothard, through IBLP/ATI/ALERT/TC leadership, through fathers to children is what allowed the abuses in this system to grow unchecked and unquestioned.
What many learned in politics they forgot in when it came to ATI. "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Because of this understanding, our government has separation of powers--enforced accountability. The IBLP/ATI system rejects any limitation of powers.
Many sympathetic to Gothard do not see the need for accountability. They tend to consider Gothard incapable of wrong or evil. He enjoys a high degree of papal authority. This incorrect view of the man has been what has enabled this system to gain a cult-like following. It was in full force by the mid-80s and possibly earlier.
In the inner circle of Gothard's most loyal followers, they consider him to be annointed of God. Some of these have hopes of obtaining his position of authority. Many of these are thoroughly programmed and/or very good at the internal politics of the organization. These are responsible for building the cult-like following that Gothard enjoys in his domain. The ones in Mr. Gothard's good graces have direct access to Bill and to a limited degree, his ear.
The cult-like following is not to be blamed (as my parents still think) on the "crazies" surrounding Gothard. These "crazies" are being used by Gothard. They are merely pawns in the game.
I was in the ATI system as a student for 20 years and attended the seminars for 4 years before that.
A good parent welcomes questions from his/her children. Questions show that the child cares and is paying attention. It sounds like something "stinks" in the land of Denmark." You all sound like such wonderful people, giving your lives and love for orphan children in Moscow. I wish there were more like you, and I wish you were my neighbor. Seriously, I am mystified by what I am reading. It's as though you are talking about leadership that are not real people. BG needs to tell the truth and come clean before all of America, so healing can take place. (That's more of my two cents.)
Was George Mattix the Overseas Director?