I grew up in your typical ATI family. My Dad was a pastor, and my Mom stayed at home and home-schooled all ten of us kids. Bless their hearts, their intentions were noble. Trying to keep us un-spotted and free from worldly influences, they simply had no clue they were raising a son like me!
I accepted Christ at an early age. Thankfully my parents went to great lengths to introduce me to Christ, but left the decision up to me. Still even as a young boy, I knew I was different than the other boys. Girls didn’t mean the same thing to me as they did to the boys, and I never could quite figure out what it was that kept the boys so interested in the typical “male” things.
As I grew to be a teenager, I knew something was VERY different about me. I had begun to hear sermons about homosexuality happening in our country, not to mention the “Young Men’s Counseling Seminar.” I heard that they were lost men and women who had so completely rejected Christ that they were lost to all normal interests. Well, then I couldn’t be that! I love the Lord, and had seen time and again Him at work in my heart. I only wanted to be used by him and live a life that pleased Him. I couldn’t be HOMOSEXUAL! That was–well, impossible. I had to be “Struggling” or “Under Attack,” or more than likely this was the result of “Strongholds.”
I spent years searching for what it was exactly that was keeping me in bondage. I was sure that if I just kept confessing, memorizing scripture, and reclaiming I would indeed be as holy as the rest of the ATI poster people I kept meeting. It became insane. I was working myself up over everything that MIGHT be a sin–simply because it was more than likely the problem that was holding me in bondage.
I began to fast weekly, trying to build enough faith and devotion to trump everything that was keeping me in bondage. I began to dislike songs like “Power in the Blood” and “Victory in Jesus” because they seemed to mock me. The migraines I have had since I was four became out of control.
My Mom finally took me to the doctor to get them checked out. The Doctor’s assessment? He told me I was doing something odd with my diet, and I seemed under too much stress. Ya think?!
When I was eighteen I left home and began traveling as a musician with a revival team. The Lord began to really deepen my life in Him at that point. Away from my family for the first time in my life I began to realize I could no longer answer a question about faith with “Well, WE believe.” I had no Pastor Dad to quote, no ATI people to back me up. What was it that I did believe? The Lord was so faithful to me in that time, teaching me what it really meant to develop a relationship with Him on a very personal level.
After a few years, I left for a small, conservative (VERY conservative) Christian College. While there I quickly began to realize my attractions were not going away. All my friends were meeting girls and falling in love, starting new lives together, and it simply made me more aware of my own feelings.
It was then that I actually looked myself in the mirror and said, “I am gay.” Realizing that I had been hiding it and denying it my whole life. That revelation made my whole world collapse. I began to contemplate suicide, and it completely took over my thoughts. It was literally all I thought about. My grades of course plummeted and I hid my inner turmoil with LOTS of activities, and a plastic smile.
I had just about worked up enough courage to do it (I had of course planned it all out), and God stepped in. At a Wednesday night church service, the preacher suddenly stopped his sermon and said, “I feel very strongly someone here is contemplating suicide, and I need to tell you God loves you.” That got my attention. He spent the rest of his sermon talking about how nothing was wasted with God and how there was a purpose for my life that in God’s hands would be significant. He went on and on, and the following Sunday morning, and again on Sunday night the same thing happened. Ok ok! I hear you loud and clear, God!
I have continued to struggle with what exactly it is that I do believe, but I am growing in understanding and fellowship with God and allowing Him to BE God in my life. The concept of the stronghold diagram had a crippling effect on my past. I had spent so much time working to achieve personal freedom through a constant witch hunt for unconfessed sin that I actually became in bondage to it.
I continued to go to counseling a few more times over the following years, but ultimately I found that God can deal with me directly, not through some counselor who, try as hard as they might, have no real empathy for my situation.
Now, I simply live life one day at a time and learn what it means to actually live in the grace and peace of a God who is not looming over me, ready to hit me over the head. He isn’t waiting for the perfect opportunity to show me how I failed and how much of a screw up I am; rather, He is leading me through life daily.
Share this post:
Tweet this Share on Facebook Stumble it Share on Reddit Digg it Add to Delicious! Add to Technorati Add to Google Add to Myspace Subscribe to RSS
After being enrolled in ATI from Kindergarten through High School, Seth left home to join a Revival Ministry that began to change his life as he began to learn the true power of God's loving grace given him. Since that time he has attended college, worked with troubled youth, served in full time ministry, and began to lead a life that identifies him as a simple follower of Christ, and not a rigid cookie-cutter Christian in modern America.
More posts by Seth S
Alfred denied directly to me she and Sacred Honor ...
December 4, 2024 When did Alfred or Holly deny that she was Mormon? ...
December 4, 2024 Facts are this JM, Alfred denied when directly con ...
December 1, 2024 Interesting you bring up the Jinger/Jill controver ...
November 25, 2024 Here is the facts JM, Holly is a Mormon, part of ...
November 20, 2024 Because she isn't a fraud. I'm sorry that bothers ...
November 18, 2024 JM, let me be very clear to you. Holly is a fraud. ...
November 13, 2024 I don't disagree that that action is what should h ...
November 13, 2024 I have a very long-term view of Bill and IBLP whic ...
November 12, 2024 Some would say the posts here are just spin and fa ...
November 12, 2024 Curious that you would bring up "Charlotte" becaus ...
November 3, 2024 I have seen the Amazon series, and I've seen the r ...
October 29, 2024 Did you ever watch any of the Amazon series? The s ...
October 25, 2024 Yes, it does. Claims must be addressed because the ...
October 24, 2024 I never claimed to work in finance, but I do have ...
October 24, 2024
July 31, 2024
JM, What you're missing is that just because some ...
July 31, 2024 Good points Rob. There is also true irony in th ...
July 31, 2024
Seth, from the moment of our first conversation I have been blown away by your faith and relationship with God. You my friend, I greatly admire and pray that one day I have grown into the same trust you have for God.
Seth, thanks for being so honest in sharing your story here. Good reminder about the importance of being led by God one day at a time and recognizing that it isn't always a one-size-fits-all journey!
Stories like yours have always made me uncomfortable. What, I wonder, am I supposed to say? "Well, you might THINK you have a relationship with God and you might THINK you tried hard enough, but obviously you didn't so... go and try some more!" I've had people imply the same thing in my life, for different reasons, and it's absolutely crushing. Once I read your story, I finally decided I'd do a startling thing: I'd take it at face value and admit that I don't understand everything about God and other people. And that maybe, just maybe, I might be wrong about some things. Thanks for posting.
Seth, your story is simply amazing. I have really enjoyed getting to know you and your heart.
"to actually live in the grace and peace of a God who is not looming over me, ready to hit me over the head" <= I'm still learning this, it just baffles me at times, but it's so amazing all at the same time.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Seth. Your faith is inspiring to me.
So proud of you Seth!! My roommate from college!!
WOW...You are a wonderful, brave man...thank you for sharing!! Getting to know you a little over the last few months has shown me how much the church is missing through it's prejudice in this area...your kind and gentle heart is truely beautiful.
Seth, your story is one of amazing faith and courage. You are inspiring to say the least! Thank you so much for sharing!!
Seth! Great story. I, too, went to your college and know you well. You are loved. Thanks for being open. I hope you continue to gain clarity in Christ and His glorious gospel. (haha ATI. I did that growing up too)
Seth, You are an AMAZING man. Your faith, you sincerity, your courage is hugely inspiring. From the times I have had the honor of speaking with you I was taken by your love for God and for others
Seth,
I'm so thankful for the privilege I've had to get to know you this past year. Your sincerety and preciousness has been a huge inspiration in my life. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Many Hugs,
Donna
Thank you for writing this Seth. One of the big issues that has pushed me out of christianity has been the widespread teachings on LGBTQ persons. The fact that you have clung to your faith through this it all is inspiring.
I would like to hear more from Seth. Does he have a partner or is he celibate? I appreciate his story, and I understand his point, but I felt like we were left hanging. Not a criticism, I would just like to know more.
My heart goes out to you Seth and I wanted you to know I am praying for you. Have you ever read or heard of the book "Washed and Waiting: Reflections on Christian Faithfulness and Homosexuality" by Wesley Hill? It is written by a young man who shares your struggles with understanding how to live a life poured out to our loving Lord while dealing with same-sex attraction. Wanted to throw it out there as an opportunity to receive encouragement from someone in the same situation. God bless you!
Thank you so much for sharing, Seth. You certainly have made me think.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it.
I actually have read Hill's book "Washed and Waiting" and found that I related a lot to it. Thanks for suggesting it though. :)
As for why I didn't include more personal details--well they simply didn't relate to the point of the article. The point was on how Gothard's Stronghold philosophy was actually a means of more bondage. There is also the fact that I enjoy keeping personal details out of public knowledge. Life is more enjoyable when you live it in private. Thanks again and God bless.
I personally could relate to the Strongholds teaching and how devastating it was. It was like living on a constant hamster wheel of trying to figure out where I went wrong and what area I had "given ground" to satan in. Such a complete waste of time when I should have been learning about God's grace, mercy, forgiveness and peace.
We miss you, Seth! Stay sane and get back up here some time!
Seth, I am so proud of you and for having the strength and courage to write this story of you. I know how hard you have struggled with this and still do. Your faith and love for the Lord has always amazed me! Stay strong my friend. I will continue to pray for you. Brad and I miss you so much. Wish you could come visit.
What an amazing testimony!
Ever since gay life style has become so media driven and then reading about gays who are christians I have been praying, researching, etc in finding more wisdom about the subject.
That said, my best friend in christian college was a gay cowboy, we loved to ride horses together. After I married, one young man in our church was trying to come out of a gay lifestyle was our best buddy.
Now I have met a young gay woman who helped me at a big box store, we found out we like horses and I am praying for her. God has given me an instant love for her.
Now for my 2 cents- (and remember that is all it is worth.) I have heard that many gays who become christian or are christian then admit to gay feelings have such a difficult time shedding those feelings. They pray fervently for those feelings to be removed. I can only liken it to a person with strong attraction to drink who cannot ever take another drop. They are an alcoholic all their life.
Or I think of those who were born without legs. Every day they live with the problem they will never have legs, yet must soldier on to live life. They are legless all their life.
Or christians who live in communist or islamic countries. They face death every day with little hope of ever leaving that country or the regime being changed.
I guess we all have problems, addictions, illnesses, temptations that will never go away that we must face and conquer everyday. Paul had a problem, he prayed 3 times for God to remove it and God said "My grace is sufficient."
Thank you for an incredible response! Wow, I'm going to use those examples in the future! I wish the church would stop criminalizing homosexuality.. After all, Paul had a 'thorn in his side' that God never removed, and we aren't told what that thorn is.. It could've been homosexuality.. could've been anything. (We could argue that it was, just for example's sake), but God kept that thorn there to glorify Him. Thank you Seth, for your boldness in telling your story. I'd also like to thank the commentors for not condemning Seth for his particular temptation.
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story friend. When I stumbled across this site, I was immediately curious to see if anyone had shared a personal story of growing up in ATI while gay as I did. Its an incredibly rough journey within a usual Christian family, let alone one involved with ATI.
Hey, Seth.
Thanks for sharing.
Your story illustrates a fact that in our culture today (and sadly, even in the christian community), gender roles are defined by external observations such as those "typical male" things you speak of.
"Boys will be boys" is a statement that is likely to cause personal confusion in the lives of boys who aren't *like* other boys... they don't like sports or fishing or wrestling or cars or the Avengers. Maybe instead they like soft things and cooking and music and cleaning and reading.
The truth is that none of those things are the measure of gender.
The measure of gender is found in our God-given physical embodiment. We either have boy parts or girl parts.
There is no such thing as "gay" because "gay" is not a gender. It is only a label that we falsely give (or claim) when someone's preferences do not align with the expected "typical male things."
In like manner, our role in sexual union (which is designed by God to be a Plurality-expressed-as-a-unity, a reflection of our triune God) is not determined by preferences or leanings or anything else... it is determined by our physical embodiment.
You did not mention where you currently stand on these issues, and I appreciate that, but I thought it was worth pointing out the false cultural perspective that I would suggest contributed to your own sense of uncertain gender identity.
These are certainly issues that we desperately need God's truth on.
With great concern and love and in light of all the kind comments, we must not neglect the teachings of scripture in Romans 1:18-32. How do all of you view this scripture?
I cannot speak for RG, nor for others, here. I admit that it is a confusing question, and I don't have it all figured out. I trust that Seth is accountable to God for his actions, just as I am for mine; therefore, I don't lose sleep, worrying about whether someone else is living as God would have them to. Of the passage you referenced, there are many areas in which I fall short, areas far more weighty than the question of one's sexuality.
Beyond that, I will say that this passage references those who have rejected God... hatefully, and spitefully. As I know Seth, personally, I can tell you, that isn't him. I see a man devoted to God, and compassionate for others.
I think the point of this particular article was simply to say that the "system" didn't help.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I believe that Scripture clearly condemns sexual immorality of all kinds. And Jesus is the answer for any sin problem.
What Ileata said. I heard a man say once, "Jesus would never have spoken to a lesbian." I was shocked and rather horrified. Why would Jesus not speak to someone He died for? The man went on to say that God turns them (practicing homosexuals)over to a reprobate mind, which is true, but this particular man seemed to think that God either couldn't or wouldn't save someone who is 'reprobate.' I wanted to ask the man how he explains ex-gays who became Christians, etc... but refrained. 'Wise in his own conceit' etc...
Anyway, Lynn, that wasn't directed towards you AT ALL. I guess I just wanted to vent a little.
I personally believe that if someone realizes that they are attracted to the same gender but NEVER acts on it, and believes in Jesus, trusts Him etc... I think they're ok. Temptation isn't a sin. And even if they do sin, if they repent, Jesus will absolutely accept it, and forgive them, even if they 'fall seven times,' etc..
Growing up gay in ATI... Seth, thanks for sharing your story. Mine is much the same. Just change some names and details. What a journey, hey? Too much to say and too many questions, but for what it is worth, I get it.
I grew up as devout Christian, follower and lover of Christ. And also gay. It took me almost a decade to sort thought the issues I had, not from Christ, but from some of the teaching and ideas burned into my brain. It was in fact Christ who led me through it.
Seth, thank you for your courage, I would love to speak to you more about your walk and how you have handled these issues.
JAH