“I want to die, I want to die! I can’t take it anymore!!” I remember screaming that as loud as I could in the middle of the woods while punching a tree until my fists bled and I slumped down on the ground from exhaustion. I was 10 years old and felt so hopeless I wanted to end my life.
My difficult journey really began when I was adopted at age two into a Christian family who were deeply entrenched in the teachings of Bill Gothard, the founder of ATI (The Advanced Training Institute) and IBLP (The Institute in Basic Life Principles). Both of my biological parents were drug addicts and alcoholics, and I was told from a very young age that I was just like my biological mother and that the odds were against me.
From the outside, my family looked like an ideal role model family. I was the youngest of five kids (all but the oldest child were adopted). All of us were home schooled, involved in music lessons, and the older kids were involved in different opportunities within ATI. My Dad started a church, and my parents were the ones everyone came to for counseling and help. There was a very dark part of my family that no one knew about though: I was being sexually abused by my 3rd oldest brother who was 12 years older than myself.
The abuse began shortly after I was adopted at age two and happened as often as once a week to several times a day. When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mother found my then 17- to 18-year-old brother undressed and on top of me. She told him to go downstairs, and then told me I wasn’t allowed to be alone with him anymore. I remember very clearly the look on my mother’s face and the way she told me that we couldn’t be alone together. It felt like she was blaming me and thought I was responsible for it. I remember feeling very confused and hurt that she didn’t even ask if I was alright, or give me a hug and tell me that everything would be okay. Instead I remember being scared and wondering how my dad would react when he got home, and if I’d be in trouble. But nothing was ever said. It was never even talked about.
My parents did their best not to let us be alone, but where there’s a will there’s a way, and he always found a way. He would sneak into my bedroom in the middle of the night, and I would wake up to him undressing me. He used every manipulative move in the book to get what he wanted. We lived on a huge farm with a lot of animals, so he used that to his advantage. Once in the middle of winter during a bad ice storm he told me he had let my favorite dog go, and my dog would die if someone didn’t find him. He volunteered to go find him as long as I did what he wanted when he got back. He would let other animals go and tell my mom about it to keep her busy catching them long enough to do what he wanted. He threatened to tell the few friends I had at church that I had a learning disability (between having a learning disability and being home schooled using Bill Gothard’s Wisdom Booklets as our only material, I was horribly behind and could barely read, let alone be at a 6th grade level where I should be, so this threat was effective to say the least!). He even went so far as to hold a gun to my head and tell me he would blow my brains out if I put up a fight or ever told anyone. There were times when he went away that the abuse would stop for a short time–like when he lived at the Indianapolis Training Center, or joined the Army and went through Basic Training, or moved in with his girlfriend.
When I would ask my brother why he was doing this to me, he told me it was because he loved me and that’s how you show someone you love them. He told me it didn’t really matter anyways because we weren’t blood related. He also told me he wanted me to know what “to do” when I got a boyfriend. I was boy crazy, yes, but when it came to anything physical I panicked and froze because of him abusing me.
Everyone deals with long-term abuse differently, and thankfully we were designed with mental self-defense mechanisms that save us from completely cracking. Mine was an ongoing story in my head–kind of like a movie that I picked up every morning when I woke up until I went to sleep. This made concentrating very difficult, and I would get yelled at, punished, and excessively spanked for being “rebellious” by not focusing.
By the time I was age 11 or so, we had two foster girls move in with us who were six months older than me and a year younger. Around this same time my brother met a girl who later became his first wife. I loved her like a sister, and we were really close. Being young, I thought there was still hope for him to change, and for us to have a normal brother and sister relationship. Plus I thought that his relationship with her would be the thing to make him change. My parents loved and adored her as well, and we trusted her. Even though she was not aware of what my mom had caught my brother doing to me, my parents thought that if she were around it would be safe for me to be at her house overnight, even if there was a possibility of my brother being there. And because my parents bought into Bill Gothard’s teachings hook, line, and sinker, and were overly strict with me, I took any chance I had to get away from home.
I remember one Saturday spending the night at her house and praying he would stay upstairs on the couch. He didn’t. As soon as she was asleep he came downstairs. I had matured early, and that night, at 11 years of age, was the first time I remember worrying about getting pregnant. The next morning I went to church with them. After the sermon, the pastor opened it up to an altar call while the worship team played. My brother went up to the altar and returned in tears, asking me to go up there with him to the pastor. My brother and I knelt down at the altar and he began praying and asking God to forgive him for what he had done. The pastor was very close by the whole time and prayed over us. I remember thinking, “If the pastor knows my brother is in his 20’s and I’m only 11, won’t he contact my parents or get the law involved?” But evidently he didn’t. My brother hugged me and asked me to forgive him for what had happened between us and promised it would never happen again.
Less than a week later it happened again.
Skip forward a couple of months to the day of his wedding. It was a beautiful June day. I’ll never forget it. I woke up excited! I thought the abuse was FINALLY going to end for good! I went downstairs, and my mom had a very somber look on her face. She told me that my favorite dog had died in the night. This was the dog I’d had since I was four years old. He was my best and only friend, the only one I felt was on my side. After burying him, I came in to take a shower. There was an outside door to the cellar, and the bathroom was the only way of getting to the cellar from the inside of the house. As soon as I started the shower the cellar door opened and there was my brother. I remember being mad for the very first time ever and finally putting up a fight. He pushed me up against the wall and put his hand over my mouth and promised it would be the last time and this could be my wedding present to him. To this day I’m not sure what clicked in my head, but I’d had enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. That was the first time I felt like I was going to snap and go crazy. But I was only 11. I couldn’t stop him.
A few months later, I was sitting with my older sister and the two foster girls in our van. All of a sudden I blurted out that he had been doing things to me for years and it hadn’t stopped. I didn’t cry, and I don’t really remember being emotionally upset as I said it. My older sister also revealed that he had tried to mess around with her and she had wondered if something was going on. A few days later I was outside with both of the foster girls when the older one said that he had kissed her and tried touching her. The younger one said he had tried taking her shirt off a few days before. This was months after his wedding! I was filled with rage. I remember starting to shake uncontrollably and cry because I was so furious. It was one thing he was doing this to me. After all, I was already “damaged” at birth, or so I’d been told. I was conceived out of an affair, given up at age two, and constantly reminded I was just like my mother and a disappointment to everyone. I must have somehow “deserved it,” but how dare he try and screw anyone else up!
The next day my oldest brother and his wife came over, and I got up the courage to tell them what was happening. Although I’d never had any long conversations with my parents, the few times my mom and I had discussed it she made comments like, “You must have liked it or encouraged it,” or “It couldn’t have happened more then that one time because you two were never alone,” so I knew they wouldn’t listen to me. Walking outside to tell my oldest brother felt like the longest walk of my life–like I was walking to my death. Would he believe me or brush me off too? I told them both the truth and that I wanted them to tell mom and dad because it had to stop. My brother looked very serious and didn’t say anything other than it would be taken care of. My sister-in-law gave me a hug and let me cry on her shoulder. It felt good to cry, because I had gotten so good at pretending it wasn’t happening.
The next day I waited for my parents to say something about it, but they didn’t. About a week later, my mom and I were driving, and I finally asked if anything had been said to them. She didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity, then told me, yes, but that she didn’t see how it could have been going on for all this time if I was just now saying something. If it had really been happening, then I must have enjoyed it or encouraged it. She then told me that my birth mother had made up something like this for attention. I was speechless and felt so betrayed!
People always told me that I had been adopted because God had special plans for me. I knew my parents would help anyone else who asked for it, so why not me? At this point I changed drastically. I became very depressed, slept all the time, started cutting myself, and dressing in all black. I didn’t cry for the next three years. I was hateful to everyone. My parents immediately suspected I was doing drugs and drinking, although we lived in the middle of nowhere and I had very few friends. I was so angry that they didn’t believe me or do anything about it, I played into them thinking I was on the wrong path.
When I was around the age of 13, my dad told me one Wednesday that we were making a trip up to Mr. Gothard’s Headquarters in Oak Brook, IL. My sister was working up there at the time, so I figured we were going to see her. When we got there, my dad told me we were having a meeting with Mr. Gothard. I remember laughing at the thought of being such a “bad” kid that I had to go see Mr. Gothard.
I went into the meeting wearing a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, dark heavy eyeliner, with my fingernails painted black. The first words out of Mr. Gothard’s mouth was, “Young lady, do you listen to rock music? I can tell because you have a dark countenance.” He went on to tell me that by listening to rock music I was not under my father’s umbrella of protection and was wide open for the devil to take ground. He asked me why I was being rebellious, so I told him exactly why I was being “rebellious”–I was being sexually abused by my older brother. He paused for a minute, and then he asked if perhaps I had given ground to Satan through my bitterness. I think it was at that moment that I gave up. I really wasn’t a bad kid, but I was being treated like a criminal!
Mr. Gothard advised my parents to send me to the Eagle Springs log cabin program in Oklahoma, which was an extension of the LIT program (Leaders In Training program for court-appointed troubled youth at the Indianapolis Training Center). Mr. Gothard then told them them that taking legal action against my adult brother wouldn’t do him any good–in fact, they would probably lose him for good. I was flabbergasted at what he said! At the end, he told me to pray for my brother. He said he hoped I would make a change, but he really thought it would take a miracle.
The months went by and my relationship with my parents got worse and worse. After I tried committing suicide (which of course my parents said was just for attention), I was sent to Eagle Springs. I was 14 years old and spent the next three to four years of my life there, coming home for two weeks at Christmas and a couple of weeks during each summer. I have both good and bad memories from there. I made some life-long friends, brought my grades up, and graduated a year early. On the other hand, I still felt totally hopeless and unlovable. My biological parents gave me up, and then the parents who supposedly loved me unconditionally sent me away for something that was not my fault. I felt that they were punishing me for speaking up about the abuse! Why would a God who is supposed to be a God of love let this happen to me? How could my parents not kick him out of the family instead of me? How could they handle the whole situation like they did?
My parents decided they didn’t want me to come home until I was 18. I was done at Eagle Springs, but it was still six months before I turned 18. I came home for Christmas and was told I’d be going to Mexico to help with the team that was down there going around doing Children’s Institutes and showing the Basic Seminar. During that Christmas, I decided to see my biological mom for the first time in years. She was “sober” at the time and married to a “recovering” alcoholic. I spent the night at her place, even though my mom had to work that night. I was asleep on the couch when her husband came in drunk around 2 a.m. He went back to their bedroom and started yelling for me. Thinking he was hurt, I went back there. He raped me. He told me I’d better not EVER say a word about it or I’d regret it. I told him not to worry, because everyone would say I was making it up anyways. I didn’t tell anyone for years. I thought it was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone back there, so I must have set myself up for that to happen.
I went to Mexico for six months and came back just before my 18th birthday. I was finally going to be free to do what I wanted and wouldn’t have to depend on anyone! I got a job and made friends very quickly. But I also started drinking quite a bit and sneaking into bars because all of my friends were old enough. I never brought up the sexual abuse or ever really thought about it. It was just a fact. Couldn’t change what happened, and being upset wouldn’t help. I didn’t think it affected me anymore. I was told growing up it was wrong to be angry or mad at anyone. You must forgive and move on. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of logic.
After six months of running wild and partying, I met my husband and we’ve been together ever since. But it wasn’t until a year ago that I realized the abuse was still affecting me. I had developed an addiction to prescription pain medicine following the birth of my third child, and my husband finally told me he would leave and take our four kids if I didn’t get help. So I took my addiction seriously and went into counseling. I’d always thought all of my issues stemmed from being adopted. But during intense counseling over the past year I’ve learned a few things:
- The abuse was not my fault. It was wrong in every way possible. I’m allowed to be angry. There is no timeline in which I have to get over it.
- My brother is an evil person, and I don’t need to try to see good in him. Just because he is family doesn’t mean I have to “suck it up” and be around him at family gatherings.
- While my parents have changed a lot from when I was a kid, and as much as I love them, they were wrong in how they handled the situation.
- Bill Gothard was wrong in the advice he gave my parents, and he had a legal responsibility to report it because of the position he was in. But he didn’t–he took the easy way out.
- While the abuse is a big part of my past, it does not define me. I do not have to thank God for the abuse. I didn’t cause it or do anything to make my adult brother do what he did to me.
Up until about six months ago I still talked to my brother. I wanted to see some good in him and have some sort of a normal relationship with him. I really thought that maybe he had changed. I wanted to believe I was his only victim. Sadly, he gave me the proof I needed to realize this was not the case and to make an important decision to not only cut him out of my life completely but to try and press charges against him. Making that decision was very hard. I was terrified! I’ve come to realize that silence is one of the biggest tools abusers use with their victims. They terrorize and brainwash their victims into shame and silence.
Since the abuse was so long ago and there is no tangible evidence now, no charges could be pressed against my brother for what he did to me. In a way I was relieved I didn’t have to go through a trial and face him, but on the other hand, knowing he is free to do it again makes me sick to my stomach. But I’ve come to accept it and feel I’ve done everything I could. The next step in my journey is to continue my own healing, maintain sobriety, and try to be the best wife and mother I can be.
Danyel's family joined ATI during its second year and helped in getting the Indianapolis Training Center up and running in the 90's. Her family is still enrolled in ATI. Danyel is happily married and is a stay-at-home mom with four kids and two dogs to keep her busy.
If this sexual abuse series brings up any emotions that you would like to process with a professional counselor, please e-mail us at:
[email protected]g. We would be happy to recommend some professional counselors who are associated with the Recovering Grace ministry and who are familiar with the fundamentalist background of ATI and IBLP.
July 31, 2024
I am amazed by the courage you have shown by sharing this. I am so glad you are starting to find healing. May you continue to find peace.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was so full of pain and difficult to read. I am so sorry for all you experienced! It was so wrong! I wish your mom would have taken you up and held you and told you it wasn't your fault when she found your brother abusing and violating you! How sad you lived with the pain of worthlessness and feeling it was your fault for so long! You were a precious, innocent, two year old when you were adopted. No child deserves that to happen to her! Your parents should have kicked your brother out right then and pressed charges! So sorry you had no one to fight for you and tell you that you were precious and valuable and didn't deserve any of that. I was so grieved to read of the pastor's response, of Mr. G's response, and that your oldest bro and sister didn't follow through in advocating for you. I'm so angry that no one believed you and fought for you! And my heart is sad and grieved that when you came to Eagle Springs we did not take action for you and with you to see that charges were pressed against your brother. We were a facility that was supposed to know how to help and deal with counseling issues, but we were clueless. I am so sorry we did not enter into your story with you and validate your hurt and your anger.
There was so much pain in your story, and you persevered. You are a strong woman. So grateful to hear of your husband who required you to go for counseling. I'm so sorry it took so many years for you to find someone who would fight for you as he has done. So glad to hear of the new truths you have learned that it isn't your fault, your brother is evil, Mr. G. was wrong, etc. So proud of you! You are an amazing woman, and I know your children are very blessed to have YOU as their mom! Love you! Wish I could give you a big hug and say I'm sorry we at Eagle Springs didn't fight for your heart and join you in anger against your brother and affirmation of your value, and validation of the huge wrongs and pain you suffered. You are an awesome woman of God!
"And my heart is sad and grieved that when you came to Eagle Springs we did not take action for you and with you to see that charges were pressed against your brother. We were a facility that was supposed to know how to help and deal with counseling issues, but we were clueless. I am so sorry we did not enter into your story with you and validate your hurt and your anger."
Yes to this. This part makes me really mad. Not that any of us want to go back to those years... but if we could, this is one thing I would want to make sure was different. No question.
Thank you guys for your love and support! It means the world!
Thank you for sharing your story!! My heart breaks for you! So thankful for the healing that you are experiencing right now! God does have special plans for you! He can use the pain that you have been through to help others who have been through the same thing! You are a voice for those who have no voice. This is a wake up call to the church and to us as believers! Praying that God conintues to restore you to wholeness!!
Your story breaks my heart. You have amazing courage and strength. Thank you for sharing with us. You've also reminded me not to judge too harshly when I see a kid dressed in all black, or a young person who drinks a lot. Who knows what kind of pain they have been exposed to in their lifetime?
.... I am sorry. So sorry. You aren't alone. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
Thank you for your courage in sharing the horror that you have experienced. It is indeed horrible. Each of these stories that have been posted here about this subject have been so painful to read, and I've stopped to take a break on each one and had to finish it in more than one setting.
I'm so glad that your husband had the courage and love to help you get into counseling and I hope you continue to heal.
It was one thing he was doing this to me. After all, I was already “damaged” at birth, or so I’d been told. I was conceived out of an affair, given up at age two, and constantly reminded I was just like my mother and a disappointment to everyone. I must have somehow “deserved it,” but how dare he try and screw anyone else up!
That paragraph is so painful for me to read. I get the feeling that you felt you were of less value than others as long as you can remember.
The way that your trauma was glossed over as rebellion is a major, major flaw with Gothardism. Somehow this story helped that aspect click a little bit clearer for me.
Yes. A girl experiencing ongoing sexual assault is sitting before him, and what does bg come up with? Rock music! Of course! That is just beyond idiotic.
Wow. I am angry at everyone in this story who didn't report it. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why you were not taken to the doctor the first time you were caught with a nearly grown man on top of you!! All this suspicion of social services and hiding from the law has done no favors to our children. Which, apparently was Gothard's take, that you never get the law involved, unless perhaps if a stranger steals from you (only time I ever saw the cops called at a training center).
That is an interesting bit of irony that for a group which worships authority so much they are allergic to the authorities.
You submit to authority, when that authority is me. Covenient, no? Oh, and FYI, authority is for everyone else, the "Christians who can't handle freedom". I myself, am exempt.
Making the so-called principle of Authority, an obvious power ploy.
What an amazing woman you are...I grieve that this is your story...but I'm proud to know you strong, resiliant lady.
I wish there was better training, schooling, understanding at Eagle Springs...I wish it had been set up in a way to really, I mean REALLY help the hurting. To truly understand the stories of the girls who came there and reach out in strength.
I'm so sorry that this is your story....what an amazing woman you are to face it and be courageous enough to not only change your life...but to share it with us!
Thank you!
You are so brave. Thank you for speaking out.
My dear, sweet friend! I am in tears for you and the horrific pain you have endured. I am in awe and inspired by you for where you are now and what a strong, beautiful person you are. I am angry, so very angry, that so many adults turned their back on you, chose not to believe you, blamed you and aided in making your life the living hell it had to have been. *That* was not right, *that* was not ok. I am so very sorry and so very proud of you. Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
Thank you for being willing to put your life in front of people like this.
It WAS not your fault, it COULD NOT have been YOUR fault... and yet Gothard immediately directs the blame to you??
First look, first words: judged and condemned by BG. This makes me sick - what was done to you as a RESULT of BG's teachings - and HIS OWN affirmation of the abuser(s).
(I'll stop before I get too unpleasant...)
May God use your story, and the many more like yours to open the eyes of those who still seek the good in Gothard.
It is amazing that you rarely, if ever, hear justice, righteous judgement, hearing or taking up the cause of the oppressed or the afflicted listed as the FIRST PRIORITIES in any "counselling" material in this organization. This highlights to me the lack of the primary mark of the believer which is the presence of love. It demonstrates a lack of a concern for justice which is a foundational measure of righteousness according to the Scriptures--again, lacking in the principles of this organization. The measure of a Christian is love, caring, just judgement--not successful appearance.
If you believe that Job was righteous and a perfect man as God calls him, then consider Job's priorities. Job considered just judgement to be a primary concern. This is an act of love for those who need it most--those who have been offended. If those who offend children are better to drowned by being tied to a milestone and thrown into the sea than to face God's righteous judgement, then there is going to be a lot of torment on judgement day. In essence, God's just judgement will be worse. Well, maybe some think they can get away with it. If so, there is understanding of the fear of the Lord, and we need to go back to square one--teaching the fear of God to those inside the system--forget convictionless principles of success.
When seminars of principles replaced crying out to God in the prayer meeting of the church of my raising, revival died. It never came back and will not unless we dispense of man's methods and replace them with God's--repentence, concern for justice, and love.
I was literally mocked at a TC for taking time for private prayer during a personal crisis. It served as a testimony to the spiritual division and what side this system is really on.
"taking up the cause of the oppressed or the afflicted" is renamed to "taking up an offense" and it is labelled as sin and bitterness, thus giving ground.
In my view, this is one place where Gothardism is not just slightly off, it is diametrically opposed to Scripture.
Following up on this real quick - the other day someone expressed that they didn't think the Bible says much about abortion. One of my responses was that if the unborn is a baby (setting aside any proof, just assuming for the moment) then all the passages that speak to taking care of the oppressed suddenly apply. I know that Gothard is staunchly pro-life but I wonder if you couldn't say that it's taking up an offense to be upset about abortion. If it's not taking up an offense, then there is clearly a time and a place to stick up for the oppressed. I think this is inconsistent on his part. Why does that not extend to include when a sibling is being abused, for example?
You are absolutely right, and that 'taking up an offense' became my parents' fall-to line so they could get away with whatever crap they were doing to whichever kid. If they EVER say that line to me again, I intend to tell them, "Then I better not ever hear either of you getting angry when you hear of people being robbed, murdered or raped, because by your own standards, you are 'taking up an offense'." I HATE that phrase, and hope to never use it in my life!
ALFRED--Are you reading this????
I am. Pretty sickening. Pretty interesting too that, since Mr. Gothard pointed out the dangers of sexual exploitation in adoptive situations, why the believability factor wasn't up there at the top. Gothard and parents. And how a ministry geared to peering beneath surface manifestations to root causes missed that one.
[And why there was an instinctive nned to blame the daughter?! Perhaps this pattern can be explained to me. I am trying to think of an instance brought on by the young lady]
I don't like goth getups . . . I will tell you the last thing I think about is broken, hurting, violated people underneath. There is not much to say, but the Lord forgive and have mercy on us all.
Alfred,
You mentioned your surprise at how a ministry geared to seeing root problems missed the problems of Danyel. It is very easy. I remember going to the counseling seminar at age 21 and being taught that the counsel to give for sexual abuse was to explain to the victim that they are body, soul, and spirit and that while damage was done to their body, the abuser couldn't touch their spirit. Hmmm...where does that counsel lead? My body is now damaged; my spirit and soul are separate so I shouldn't be feeling this pain? That counsel sounds dangerous and abusive to the victim.
Also, in regards to the root problems, Mr. G traced all root problems back to moral impurity, bitterness, and rebellion, which all stemmed from pride. What about damage done to me because of the sin of others? I don't remember anywhere in any of the Basic Seminars, Advanced, Anger Res, counseling seminar, Telos's BLP 101, or 102, EQUIP, ELMS training, EXCEL, etc. where it was once acknowledged that wrongs done to us need to be grieved. Instead the blame and responsibility went quickly back to the victim in their need to forgive and release bitterness. Forgiveness is an important part of the process of healing, but it is not the first or only part of the process. There was at least one alumni supplement that did talk about bringing justice to perpetrators of crime, but it didn't talk about the need for the abused to acknowledge the wrong done to them and put the blame and shame where it belonged instead of taking it on themselves. I studied alsmo ALL of the IBLP materials, alumni supplements, etc. intensively in order to know how to "help" the hurting and wounded. I was clueless! I did not know how to help victims of abuse. I believe that the counsel we gave from IBLP materials only served to further the abuse.
Your next question, Why was there an instinctive need to blame the daughter? Perhaps because the parents felt guilty themselves for things they had done previously, and it was hard for them to accept the blame and responsibility. Perhaps also because they idolized their son and didn't want to admit he was wrong? It's obvious from the story that Danyel was the "black sheep" even from age 2! How infuriating.
Also, some of the teachings of Mr. G. on adoption and modesty furthered their thinking of the daughter being at fault. The parents believed it was an integral fault of their daughter who seduced their son! He was 12 years older than her, she was an innocent girl! No, she was in NO way at fault! The teachings of Mr. G on modesty are VERY dangerous! The fault doesn't lie with the girl. The sin is with the man! We are all responsible before God for our own actions, sins, and thoughts.
Also, I remember well studying the Wisdom Booklet as a young girl on crying out when attacked. The scriptures from the governmental code of law for the Hebrews was used. If a woman was raped in the midst of a city and didn't cry out they were both to be stoned. I remember the fear that entered my heart at that time as my parents had me practice crying out "Jesus, save me" or something like that. I remember wondering, what if that happened to me, and practicing the phrase so that if it did happen it wouldn't be my fault and I would be safe. How ridiculous! Most child abuse victims have no clue what is happening when the abuse starts and their bodies often feel pain and pleasure at the same time - this produces great confusion and inner turmoil. Often the victims are threatened not to tell and left with feelings of worthlessness, being trapped, and powerlessness. Look at your young girls at home, look at pictures of them at age 2, at age 10, at age 11. Would they bring this on themselves? Read any material about sexual abuse - a favorite line of the abuser is blaming the victim - telling the victim they asked for it. Perhaps because of the parent's own issues of guilt, etc. as well as the training from Mr. G about adoption and modest they bought into this lie of the abuser.
Also, you mentioned the believability factor. Her parents did believe that her brother abused her (just didn't believe her story that it was continuing to happen). Also, Mr. G. believed she had been abused and asked her about bitterness. The believability factor isn't the whole issue here. True, they did not believe that her brother continued to abuse her, but knowing that he had abused her even once should have brought counseling and protection for her. The only counseling offered by Mr. G is that of resolving bitterness. There is so much more involved in dealing with sexual abuse recovery. If you are interested in knowing more, Dan Allendar's book, The Wounded Heart is excellent! Mr. G gave us a few simple tools and expected that to fix everything. The tools he gave us only served to re-abuse the victims.
I am speaking from first-hand experience. I was in ATI/IBLP for 20 years, and 8 of these years was working on staff in his programs designed for helping troubled youth. My heart and mind is filled with great pain as I think back to the many troubled youth that came through our doors who were further traumatized and victimized.
Alfred, you say "I don't like goth getups ... the last thing I think about is broken, hurting, violated people underneath."
While I don't particularly care for the goth look myself, I would respectfully and in all Christian love ask you if yours is the attitude that Christ Himself would want us to have?
Our Saviour, when He walked this earth, walked with the dregs of Judaeo-Roman society. To the point that the "good, religious people" complained that He hung out with prostitutes, drunks, and party animals. Oh, and tax collectors and Samaritans.
But it wasn't their externals that Jesus was focused on. It was the broken, hurting, violated people underneath.
That is one of my biggest problems with the way that Mr. Gothard's teachings work out in real life. It makes us focus on external appearances. God wants us looking past that, to people's broken hearts.
Looking at appearances and failing to care about the heart - that's what we all tend to do and it's what's so wrong with religion.
This is why Jesus was mad in Mark 3:5, and it's why the Pharisee was mad in Luke 7:39.
Mocked for turning to God in a crisis???? Absolutely infuriating!!!
Samuel, maybe you should enlighten us as to who did the mocking...students or leadership. Since I'm married to you, I know the answer, but it might shed some light on the system for everyone to know that.
that would be interesting to hear!
I was taught that mockery is for fools, so I very seriously doubt anyone at the Institute ever mocked anyone...
Actually, I remember seeing BG himself hold up a letter in front of a small group of us students at HQ, the letter was from dissatisfied customer, and laugh at it in a way I would describe as mockery. At the time, I was shocked.
Matthew,
I was at the MTC "on my nickel." I took a few hours to pray during a particularly difficult time there. A person in staff leadership came to my room, knocked on my door. When I opened it, the following conversation took place:
Staff: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I needed some time alone to pray to sort things out. I am praying."
Staff: "So, you think you are being persecuted? (smirk) Don't you know that you should be REJOICING??!"
Me: (Thinking) "Confused, yes. Persecuted, no. What would cause this man to think I was being persecuted? Have the recent events been intentional? I cannot believe this guy is mocking me for praying. What Christian would do this? I am so out of this system. It's in the wrong kingdom." (I made no verbal response. To do so would have been construed as rebellion--even though I was an adult.)
Also, in response to your observation of BG himself, I have had the same as far back as 1987.
I rode in Bill's car with 4 other guys one Sunday afternoon on the way home from church while he totally ripped apart the ATI family that did a drama presentation in the morning service. Among several other bones he had to pick with the presentation, Bill criticized the girls for "sounding too real" in their "fight" in the drama. He continued by asking for our "observations" and agreeing helping to reinforce our critical spirits.
In retrospect, Bill SHOULD HAVE been helping us to learn to ask for more information before unjustly judging the situation. I have come to realize that Bill taught us to judge a situation based solely upon surface appearance without asking for more information upon which to base an informed decision.
Yes, it was infuriating, and it was leadership at the MTC. To me, it simply showed which side of the spiritual divide the system was on.
A few personal thoughts on the "bitterness label": Allowing ourselves to coddle bitterness IS a problem. STAYING BITTER IS a problem, but it's a personal problem that CAN affect others--not something that "everyone must ensure doesn't occur" because of its magical power to destroy many. Christianity isn't a socialistic movement which obliterates the individual and denies autonomy.
When you go around warning people to "not be bitter" as your PRIMARY COUNSEL, it becomes yet another slap in the face to be borne when you are at your weakest point and hurting the most. We say that a person with "abused women's syndrome" says (in essence), "Hit me again. I deserve it!", and we see it as a problem. Who would justify the abuser? Yet, in this system, it is somehow perceived as a legitimate treatment to say, "We can't change the circumstances, just don't be bitter." It's yet another way to throw salt in the wound of the hurting and to allow the cycle of manipulation and abuse to continue. I know--I've received the treatment. Unfortunately, it provided absolutely no help out of my bitterness--it only served to add additional torment. It took years to grow through it and "get past it." I did get past it, eventually. However, I received very little help from those inside the ATI/IBLP system. People on the outside of this system were able to give me perspective, understanding, and the love of Jesus. These helped me find healing in Jesus Christ.
Honestly, I believe what Gothard deems as "bitterness", is often a transitory stage of grief, and a necessary one, at that. Deny a person their stage of "bitterness", you (what was that Proverb?) take away their garment in cold weather. Not to mention that you hinder healing by trying to put said person in a box of the "right" way to heal.
Hannah, I totally agree. I was never allowed to grieve. If I started to cry or something then I was told I was being bitter.
Danyel, no person should have to go through what you suffered. It took real courage to deal with the situation through legal channels. God bless you for doing what is possible to bring a stop to his continuing abuses.
When concern for 'true righteousness' overcomes the power of fear of losing 'righteous appearance', these situations are resolved--not until then. This fear holds many in this system in mournful silence with its choking grip. This is hardly the image of success.
I'll have to keep my comments short, because the expletives I'm spewing out right now will probably get me censored. :-) You are incredibly brave and you are loved and SO valuable. I wish you continued healing.
No judgement here, Cheryl. This ol' sailor has said a few while reading about this utter travesty of justice and total depraved violence against a defenseless child!
Your story of sexual abuse and the failure of those most responsible to love and protect you is so heartbreaking. The points you bring up from your recent counseling to help you work through these issues are so true. The denial your parents showed is an all too often the family response to sexual abuse. I am glad you have found someone that truly shows the love of Christ for you vs. what you experienced from your parents and the ATI organization (of which I am all too familiar with). Unfortunately well-meaning people make horrible decisions at times, the consequences of living in a sin sick world.
Mr. Goathard should be reported to the authorities and prosecuted for failure to report the alleged sexual abuse to the police. Many states require pastors and other individuals in similar positions (like teachers and health care providers) to report suspected abuse cases. I suppose the statute of limitations has expired on this incident but maybe not. He should be called to account for his gross negligence. You don’t have to prove the abuse actually occurred; only that he knew of the allegations and failed to report it. Taking that type of action is not being vindictive or acting out of bitterness, it is seeking justice for the horrible wrong that was committed by someone who certainly was in a position to know the law and abide by it.
Well written. Funny the rock music conclusion. Working through loads of legitimate bitterness from my upbringing a couple of months ago I was burning steam while listening to some hard core rock music. Immeadiatly I thought of my rebellious heart as demonstrated by the fact that I was thoroughly enjoying this music. Then it hit me; I liked these guys screaming out profanities so I didn't have to! I was angry beyond words! The music was a perfect outlet for my bleeding heart, not the cause of it. Music simply reflects what is already going on. It's stupid and ignorant to think otherwise.
The other think I've discovered is that no one can tell you when to move on. My counselor is a nationally reckognized pastor and he wouldn't dare tell me it's time for me to just pray for someone and forgive them. It doesn't work that way. A person needs unconditional love and acceptance for who they are before they can even begin to consider giving forgiveness to someone else. It was wrong and there is no excuse for what they did.
Hopefully you are now learning about a God who loves you beyond anything you've ever known and who will fight for the justice you deserve.
Btw, fellow second year guy here so I know what it's like to work through years of stuff. God is good.
Thank you for your bravery.
This is intense ... I don't think I'll be taking my family to the Basic ...... ever again.
Once again I'm overwhelmed with such support! It helps me to know speaking up and sharing openly was the RIGHT thing to do..out of everything that has happened I really hope people will be aware and make sure their kids are safe and those that have already suffered abuse will speak up and get the healing they need!
Someone may have already mentioned this but as a former counselor I can tell you that in most states it is illegal for a person in authority of most any kind to neglect to report abuse of a minor. I certainly hope that Mr. Gothard and any others who were apart of sheltering or protecting the abuser will have the legal consequences imposed.
Danyel, May God be with you as you continue in your healing and recovery. I commend your immense bravery in telling your story so that others may learn and be protected. You are a precious treasure.
Danyel,
I am in tears after reading this story. I just want you to know that there are many people like me who hear your story and are ANGRY on your behalf for how wronged you have been! You are not alone or misunderstood like you were for so long. You were NOT a bad, rebellious girl, (I don't care what you dressed like, it's so maddening that that's ALL BG could see!!) you were HURTING and in pain, and you needed care, comfort, love, healing, validation and security (which you still need and absolutely deserve because you are precious to God and made in His image!) Even though I don't know you, I can grieve for you and the pain you experienced and beg God to continue healing you. On the days when you feel tempted to believe the awful destructive lies that were told to you for SO LONG just remember that you have a whole community of people who want to remind you, as you now know, that YOU were wronged and you did nothing wrong, that you were betrayed and let down by the people supposed to protect you, and that God grieves for your pain as well. And yes we're supposed to forgive and not live in bitterness, but BG had a horrible understanding of what bitterness was! And "forgiveness" does not mean pretending it didn't happen! Besides, we can only forgive and be healed from bitterness when we truly face how bad and wrong the offenses were, and allow God to give us His grace...(I know you know this, I just feel like I have to say it out loud on your behalf because TOO many people were silent for you for TOO long!!) I'm so glad you're going to counseling and realizing there is not a timeline to healing, and that you ARE DEFINITELY ALLOWED to set healthy boundaries with your brother!!!! In fact it's a MUST. I hate how the BG culture denies our rights as women to do what is best for US. Acting in a wise way to protect ourselves is NOT selfish. Also I saw someone's comments about the wisdom booklet where the girl had to "cry out" during sexual abuse or it was her fault and that paralyzed me with fear as a little ATI girl too!! The heart of God is not about us living in fear or condemnation, or taking responsibility for OTHER people's sins. I pray that you can continue to receive love and acceptance from God and your husband and that God miraculously continues to heal your pain and free you from trying to medicate it in other ways. I'm praying for you and proud of your courage and honesty in sharing with us!
I really wish none of this had happened. Even though you wrote it out so vividly, I still cannot imagine what this must have left you feeling like. I can't imagine your brother and parents justifying their actions. It's stunning. I have been mulling over your story all day, and I still can't quite come to terms with it.
For what it's worth-- I think you are an incredible person. Thank you for telling your story. God bless you as you continue to heal.
I grew up with teachings that were similar to ATI in a lot of ways - I also was suicidal at a young age and watched my sibling be abused. I've also just spent a year in counseling and I'm just beginning to really heal. Your story made me cry because you described my own feelings so well, it made me so angry for you and for every child that gets abused, and it made me so so thankful that somehow someway I got out of these types of religious cults that darken the soul.
So so sorry about what happened to you. Are you familiar with the Joyce Meier Ministry? Her story
is different but similar and she has some tapes regarding this.
Are you familiar with Joel Young's ministry, the Bible Through Hebrew Eyes? (For His Glory).
Inside the Bible he has discovered "Jesus Rushing From Above". Even that thought gives me hope
Another interesting "help" is Nancy LeSourde's book "No Longer the Hero". Also, "Restoring
Shattered Lives" by Tom and his wife. She was on the mission field and married to a Pastor and
was confronted by her unbelievably horrific past. Think you will find it a real healer.
Thank you for your expose.
Blessings. Also, in James C.2 I believe it said to be honest about your feelings and don't lie about them.
That's part of being whole and thus holy. Our job is to forgive (See Corrie Ten Boom's writings on this one). We gotta forgive and let the LORD handle it. I'm glad that you "get it" now. Sorry that those
with a religious spirit were your hindrance. Jesus calls them Self Righteous Hypocrites.
STFU. She does NOT "have to forgive." Nor does any victim. Your admonition is toxic and continuing the abuse. Just STOP.
My mom said those very words to me....I must have enjoyed it....otherwise I would have said something.....
[...] and thanks to further introspection on my part.He/she must have been asking for it.Danyel shared a story on Recovering Grace about the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of one of her brothers while she was a child. Here [...]
All I can say is........Wow. I now understand my behaviour from when I was a child.
I was raised in a home where beating your children with a length of garden hose until they bled was considered spiritual, and punching your children in the face until they raised balck eyes and bloody noses was just discipline.
I was the victim of "unwanted nighttime touching" by an older sibling (male).
I rebuked him firmly, sent him back to his room, then sat in my room for 2 1/2 hours while waiting for my parents to wake up. (We had been threatened under pain of death never to wake them up for any reason) I was terrified, afraid that he would come back, and nothing would stop him. When I finally told my mother, (she got up to go to the bathroom, thereby releasing me to stop her) she stared at me for several seconds and gave a deep sigh while rolling her eyes. She went to my brother's room, then came back and told me that it "didn't happen because he was asleep". Yeah, no duh. I'd been afraid to go to her right after it happened.
My brother was given a "talking to" about going into my room in the middle of the night, (it's all he would admit to, so I was branded a liar.)
I was NINE YEARS OLD. He was THIRTEEN.
Two weeks later, my mother was changing my bed (Did I mention that I had started wetting the bed after that?) and discovered about thirty assorted and very sharp knives under the mattress. I told her it was for my protection at night.
I was spanked for "holding a grudge" against my brother, attempted murder, and not giving my heart to Christ.
I was forcibly conscripted into Christianity, my parents whipping me until I gave the sinner's prayer.
At the age of ten, my mother walked in on me holding a razor blade to my wrist. She apologized and walked back out.
At the age of nine, my behaviour was going downhill, and no one made the connection. I couldn't, I didn't have the mental or verbal skills to understand.
It was my fault that he had done this thing because I was wearing a gown, instead of something that covered me more appropriately. I began wearing pants during the day and at night. Several layers in fact, at night.
Long story short, I attempted suicide at least four times.
Each failed attempt brought my depression that much closer and darker. My parents tried to get me counselling (from ATI) telling me that I would be going to Eagle's Nest (it was spoken about as if it was a wonderful, magical place where I would be "renewed" by the spirit) and was slated for a call to my guidance counsellor who forgot. I am actively trying to kill myself, and she forgot about me.
I am now not completely healed of what happened to me, how I was degraded and shamed, but still a work in progress, thanks be entirely to Christ and His Love. I have never received an apology from my brother for his actions. I have forgiven him, but DO NOT intend to allow him access to my future children.
I have no contact with my brother now, and hope to continue this as I do not believe he is someone I want to have in my life.
During the time of this abuse, I was instructed never to tell anyone what had happened, as people might "misconstrue" what I was saying.
I was encouraged to lie.
My belief is that I would not have had the problems that I faced as a child had someone stepped in and given me a way of voicing what had happened to me, given me a chance to say the things that I was forbidden to say.
My heart goes out to those who have suffered in ways that I haven't, and my prayers are with all of you.
Cat, I am just so sorry. No one should ever treat a fellow human being the way you have been treated. Hugs to you, you brave woman!
Cat ~
May the Lord always watch over you and hold you in the hollow of His hand. He loves you so very much, and so much more when he sees that you continue to love Him and trust Him. My dear, you are being prayed for.
Love in Christ,
Nancy
I'm so angry I could spit fire! What an EVIL man BG is, for not believing you/covering it up/making excuses.. whatever... If it weren't a sin to hate the man..... I do hate what he stands for tho! May God have mercy on his soul. I never experienced sexual abuse (thank God), but I too, was suicidal in my teens... makes me sick that BG is not being held accountable for his teachings, that he hasn't been exposed to the world for the imposter he is, that so many are still blindly following him!
I wept over your story because I too was raised to feel worthless. I was physically abused by my cousins at the age of 5, but only a few times before we moved too far away. I was also raised to feel guilty about anything that if someone said who started WW2 I would confess!!! (I was born in 1953)
A wise pastor once said God stands at the apex of history. He can go back and allow good to come out of all those bad things. I.E. Joseph was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers and endured all sorts of problems but rose to be #2 in Egypt so that when famine came, Joseph was able to save his family.
Danyel, YOUR BROTHER HAS A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!!!!!!!! His coming to you to apologize at church then doing it again suggests he may not be able to control his urges. (like an alcoholic)
I highly suggest you contact his wife (if they have children they may be the next victims) and if possible, arrange an intervention to get him help before he hurts anyone else. There are enough people in your family who know and experienced it that you are not alone.
[...] be reason behind it. Otherwise, it can lead to blaming the chain of command for atrocities, abusive misplaced trust, you name [...]
Thank you for sharing this! My heart is breaking for you, for myself, and each of us that has had to walk in the condemnation that ATI theology preached to children that were abused.
I just read your story and was distressed to hear that you were virtually condemned by BG. I was molested by my father for 7 years, and for the first time in my life have been able to talk about it to one of my siblings and have them say they are sorry for what happened to me. I have had much counseling over the years, but am still healing. In seminars, BG used to say that his name meant "protector", so I just assumed, from a distance, that families that were part of that ministry/system were the safest and healthiest families in the Body of Christ. Your own family will be healthy and you will heal. God Bless You. Mary
[...] (5,046 views): A Difficult Journey. Danyel shares her difficult story of dealing with sexual abuse while growing up in the ATI [...]
[...] fact was clearly made known to Mr. Gothard and the leadership within IBLP/ATI, but it was ignored, covered up, or inappropriately handled “in-house.” In all the stories that have come to our [...]
I realize I'm just about a year late in response to the last few comments but...better late then never right??!!! LOL Couple things I wanted to mention. First to Alfred. You saying that "you don't personally care of the gothic style" is about as judgemental as it comes (whether you mean it to be or not) & the exact reason I dressed that way. To get a reaction, to get attention. Nothing else did. Even telling my family & BG I was being sexually abused. Dressing like that was simply a outward expression of what was going on inside. If someone had hugged me, loved me & gotten me the counseling I needed I would have dropped my "mask". But no one did that. They all judged & assumed I was worshiping Satan & poking dolls with needles. No one bothered to see past all the black & see a little girl who cut herself daily just to deal with the pain. The girl who tried killing herself 3times by age 14 & the girl who desperately wanted to be accepted, loved & believed. Saying you don't care of gothic dress comes across very judgemental & like your somehow better. It's very easy to judge & instead of "rolling up yoursleeves" & getting messy to find out what the real problem is. it's so much easier to blame it on rock music, a rebellious attitude & on other outwards things. And that's what BG is all about. Conforming the outward so it's all nice & pretty nevermind what's going on inside. As long as you follow as these principles, steps & rules your family will be tied up all nice & neat with a pinkbow! And to Esbee.....you're right! My "brother" (legally related nothing else) has a big problem that he cannot control & has no desire to control. Shortly after I wrote my story one of my brothers called & confirmed everything I had done (writting up my story & trying to press charges) was right!!! My "brother" had been staying with a family from church (that he, his now 3rd x-wife & my parents attend. After they had bailed him out of jail for failur to pay child support!!) & the husband had just found out Ben (my "brother" that abused me) had been having an affair with the wife & they suspected that he had done something to their two young daughters as he had been left alone with them. He ofcourse ran like the coward he is & left his laptop behind. They were over 120 child-porn pics found along with pics of me, my sister & a couple of my nieces (not sure why "type" of pics) & different child pornography sites he visited often. All evidence was turned over to the FBI. Up until this point my mom made it very clear she would never say a word against him or assist in his arrest. A couple days after all this came out I received a call from my parents asking exactly what he had done to me. While it was a very awkward conversation it was long overdue. They both asked if I could ever forgive them for not protecting me like they should have & that if they had known (still say they didn't think it had continued pasted when I was very little) they would have turned him in. While its "too little too late" situation it's still done a great deal of good hearing that from them!!! Benjamin is currently on the run (for not paying child support and also the child porn) and no one has heard from him. My 18 year old nephew passed away Jan 30th of this year & no one received a call or email & he did not attend the funeral. It makes me sick knowing he's out there & if he's in a position to hurt kids he will. He is sadistic & evil!!!! I personally don't think he can or will ever change. He fits the description of a physco path & someone who has no conscience or guilt for their actions. I pray he meets justice on this earth but if not, I believe there is a special place for ppl like him after death!!!! I've heard ppl say so often (not just in the ATI circle but other religious circles too) that you can't always believe every accusation of rap, molestation or sexual assult. And I say shame on those who say & believe that!!!! Everytime a victims is blamed, doubted, punished or ignored it keeps 5 more victims silent!!! I'm sure there have been false accusations made for a number of different reasons however, to doubt or outright say "Your lying" to everyone that gets the courage to come forward & face their abusers is wrong & all it does is make it harder for victims to come forward & gives abusers more power to continue their abuse!!! Abusers thrive on keeping their victims silent!!! As long as their is silence they can continue to abuse. I wish I knew where to start & what to do to get this message out there on an even bigger level. The silence must be broken!!!!
Danyel, dear ~
I'm in tears like so many of your other friends at this webpage after reading your story. What a sorrow you've had to ensure! And what happiness you've found with a loving husband and being a loving mom to your four children! Praise God for your life and his tender healing to you after all these years of difficulty.
I think of the lovely song "His Eye Is On the Sparrow." It was sung by African-American Ethel Waters in the old film "Member of the Wedding" and it occasionally can be heard on the radio. You are the apple of God's eye, and He loves you more than you could ever fathom. My congratulations to you for building your life. Thank you for protecting others by speaking out.
Love in Christ,
Nancy
[…] A Difficult Journey. A former ATI student recounts what happened when her adoptive mother discovered sexual abuse within the family, and how Bill Gothard advised the family. […]