While I don’t think dealing with an ending marriage and becoming a single parent is easy on any one, I do think those from an ATI (Advanced Training Institute) or similar background face specific challenges due to our upbringing. For instance, I was raised to believe divorce was not an option. It didn’t matter what happened within the marriage, you do not get divorced. One spouse cheats? They repent, you forgive and move on while remaining married. One spouse is no longer interested in the other sexually? That’s okay; but you’re not going to leave them. They’re emotionally abusive? No matter–try harder, pray harder, be nicer, and above all else stay together, for that is what is pleasing unto the Lord. So that day when my then husband said the words, “I want a divorce,” my whole world shattered.
It wasn’t my choice, my decision; it was his. And he had made it; I had no more say in anything. It was done. My marriage was not all puppies and rainbows, but I felt for years, come what may, I had made my choice to marry this man and so I had to live with that choice. I can only guess that people who were raised differently may have at one time or other at least let the thought of divorce seriously cross their minds. Things are bad between the two of you, you ponder divorce. You’re ignored for months on end, so you consider what life might be like without your spouse. But that wasn’t me. It never crossed my mind that my marriage could end. It never occurred to me that it was possible for divorce to become my own reality. Until it did, at which point devastation set in. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with. I can only consider it would compare to having been adopted, being raised your whole life by your loving, adoptive parents whom you belonged to, who were your family. Who loved you and supported you and you knew without a doubt they were your family–only to find out decades later that they were not your biological parents. That kind of devastation; that kind of it never even entered my mind reality. I didn’t consider it because I knew for a fact that I was married and would remain so forevermore.
From that point there’s the process of learning to live without your spouse. For a former ATI girl, that meant you are more often than not left with no job, no college degree, and no way to earn money to pay the rent or utilities. Therefore as you search for employment you find that people either want a degree, experience, or both–and it’s usually both. You see, while I was in ATI Bill Gothard taught that a degree is useless. Spending money and time to attend college and obtain a college education was a total waste. People do not want a flimsy piece of paper that that says you studied here for x-number of years and are now qualified for xyz. Oh, no. According to Gothard, all you need is character. Let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of character. I’ve got character coming up the wazoo. But have you looked for a job? I’ve not once seen a job listing that says, “Looking for a lovely woman with soft curls in her hair that understands deference and knows how to have a meek spirit.” So you’re left looking at sub-par jobs. The ones no one wants, not even you, the newly single mom without a college education. Those jobs tend to pay right about or even less than it costs for childcare. So you’re pretty much stuck searching out and accepting the best terrible job you can find while contemplating how on earth you can be mom to your child, work a job, and somehow further your education which you really should have been done decades ago. You know, when normal people do it–around the age of 18 or so. Going to school as a single parent can be done, but it generally means taking out a loan. Taking out a loan or working full-time, never seeing your kids, not sleeping, and well… becoming a bit of a zombie mom.
If you’re very fortunate and have loving family who will allow you to live with them, this will definitely take away some of the main problems. The issue with that is, many people who support the teaching of Gothard believe you should not be a single mom and therefore, tough luck, Chick–you’re on your own.
The majority of people seem to believe that getting a college loan is standard. It’s something you expect to do in life. It’s really not that big of a deal; Everyone does it. Well for us former ATI students… not so much. You’ve been taught that going into debt is a huge no-no. It’s really never an option. I mean, if you need to go into debt for something, it’s probably because of something you’ve done wrong in your life. As if to consider the majority of us will just so happen to fall upon enough cash to attend college. As if a single parent will fall into enough money to pay the rent, electricity, gas, phone, car insurance, food, clothing, etc. AND attend school. Of course it was probably something wrong we did anyway that landed us as a single parent, so more than likely having to go into debt is our just desserts.
Of course support or lack thereof is also a huge issue a former ATI student may have to deal with. Divorce is against God’s Will, you know. So why are you getting one and you do realize you now must remain single forever in order for God to bless you, right?! And the only reason it’s even maybe, kind of okay to get a divorce is because, well, your husband did commit adultery. God did make allowance in the Bible for that. Never mind that the thought of another man in your life sounds even less appealing than getting shot in the foot. Seriously, the last thing you want is to ever be in this situation again. So the talks about how it’s wrong and what you have to now do in order to live a good and decent life really mean next to nothing.
Not to mention at this point in time you really could care less about anyone blessing anything. All you really want and need is a night alone so you can cry and let it all out without worrying that your children can hear you losing it in the next room. Then you need to be able to sleep until you no longer feel the drugged effect from the sobbing, weeping, and wailing. So yeah, someone telling you that if only you had done this or not done that is not helpful at this point in time. If we’re going to be perfectly honest it’s really never helpful. Trust me that any and all things that could have prevented this day have already flashed though our minds, kept us up at night, and may even prevent a decent night’s sleep for years to come. We don’t need your judgment; we are very good at judging ourselves–something we also learned from Gothard.
But support–yes. I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t super close to my family emotionally. We didn’t talk about things that mattered, ever. Feelings were for the weak; feelings were against God’s will because our feelings and desires mean nothing–we are to serve God and others. We have no rights ourselves. From that I was basically raised to know the one person I could depend upon was me. If something needed to be done, look in the mirror. Figure it out, do it, don’t complain. So I did. What else was I to do? It was all on me so I did it. I did every single day what I absolutely had to do–alone. And after nearly five years I was left a pathetic shell of a human being. I was filled with misery and I had no idea what hope felt like, much less the idea of hope.
I’ve recently come to realize that God didn’t make us to be completely independent. If He’d wanted that, perhaps he would have made Adam and only Adam. Instead he made two human beings. He made two so that we could be there for each other. So that we could learn to give love and accept love. So that we could give support and accept support. I have realized after several years (I’m a slow learner, clearly) you cannot do this whole life thing on your own–especially if you have a child or children. You need people. You need friends, you need family, you need help. I just wish I had realized this and accepted this as fact years earlier than I did.
It’s sad to think of the years my soul was left to slowly wilt and die when all I really needed to do was reach out and find support. Help. Someone to talk to. Someone to show me love. Someone to show me grace. But there is nothing from the way I was raised that let that thought pass though my mind. I knew I had to soldier on. My own feelings or needs be damned. I realize now that’s called denial, and denial only helps a person in the short term. Long term we need to actually look at what’s wrong, head on, and face it.
To learn from it, deal with it, and accept grace to heal and move past it.
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Jaime Dawn is a single mom living on the West Coast. She was in ATI for seven years. Currently she is in school full-time working towards the degree of her dreams. In her free time she enjoys going to the beach and spending quality time with her son. She is daily learning more about what real love and grace means.
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JaimeD, my sister, thank you for telling your story. I can identify with so much of what you shared! Our circumstances were different in some ways, but we share the emotional, social, and economic implications of being a single parent with all the added baggage of an ATI/IBLP worldview.
The financial issues. The sermons from those who sit comfortably in their two-person relationships and judge us in our single-parent struggles. The things we have to watch our kids do without as we juggle multiple jobs (or job and school). And the guilt trips we lay on ourselves that outclass the guilt trips everyone else is trying to lay on us. And yeah, the dichotomy of half the people you know wanting to know when you're going to start "looking" again (as if marriage was like shopping for a car) and the other half telling you that you have to stay single for the rest of your life if you want God to bless you. God help us! Oh wait, He already does. :-)
Very interesting story. Mine is a little different. I'm about to be all alone with nobody at all. I'm single and with chronic back/joint pain and financial situation is bad, on a fixed income from disability. My problem is that I'm not wanted or cared for by anyone, it's just something about me where everyone can't be wrong but now that I've given that time to sink in and understand it I've learned to accept that it is what it is but I'm thankful that God showed me how wonderful the gift of being an animal lover is. It's so rewarding, animals love you back unconditional but more important is knowing and having the love of the Almighty who I pray to for strength to help me take up my cross and follow him.
Thanjs for sharing, Jamie! I'm in a similar situation. In my case, I had to go against everything I've ever been taught about marriage and be the one to leave..... but only after 11 years of emotional abuse and continuous affairs. It's good to hear other single moms speaking up!
Thank you for writing this.
The audacity of Gothard, standing in front of hundreds of girls and telling them that they had no need to prepare for life on their own. Even if the man you marry -- your hope, your only support in life -- doesn't turn out to be, you know, human and capable of leaving you in the lurch, he IS capable of dying early. Either way, a woman has to have something else to fall back on besides "staying in God's blessings."
I've said before: I dislike the college system, especially the enormous debt, and if I had been a parent under Gothard, I'd have liked the idea that my children could circumvent it. And relatively easily, too! Gothard made expansive promises he couldn't keep. Unfortunately, those girls are now the ones paying for his empty promises now.
Jaime,
As an older woman, a former ATI mom, I would offer you my shoulder to cry on, my arms around you, if I could.
In the aftermath of ATI recovery, many of the marriages of us older women have also fallen apart. I stayed home for over 25 years; but I had gotten a college degree before then, and had work experience. And my children are grown. So, though it is shocking and frightening to have to launch into the work world again at 60, I have experience and training.
Your struggles are so hard. Please don't be ashamed to apply for welfare and food stamps if your child support is tiny and your parents can't or won't help.
I would urge you to spend time praying, finding your dream, before you go into debt for college. Not all degrees help you get a job. Many careers, like medical ones, can be done in steps: first get 2 years of education, use that to earn some money, then go for the next training. Get certified as an LVN or vet tech or childcare person, for example, earn some money, then go back for the 4-year degree in nursing or teaching or whatever. There are grants out there to help with the college costs. A counselor at your community college should be able to help you apply for them. There are also very affordable distance learning programs if you want to get a business or education major. (Out West we have the Western Governors University, which is an online university).
I pray you have found a loving, supportive church. Speak up in your Sunday school class, or talk to a women's ministry leader. I would almost guarantee there's an older woman out there who would love to be a grandmother figure and give you that time to cry and think.
There's a passage somewhere in Jeremiah that says God treasures up our tears in a bottle. May you feel His comfort and love, and become deaf to all the judging voices out there.
Thank you for sharing this. You single moms are some amazing human beings. What a powerful story. The emotional devastation is hard to read about. Jaime, your courage and determination blended with your vulnerability and honesty are inspiring.
Yes, thank you for sharing. I wonder if someone outside of ATI reading this would even be able to comprehend the weight of the pressure, the guilt, and the despair you must have gone through. Divorce and being left on your own to raise and provide for children is hard enough, but the rules "broken", the judging and new rules you now have to follow in the aftermath of the marriage disaster, they all just pile onto the weight of the burden--the abuse of women in Gothard's "chain of authority" doesn't disappear when the husband does. It reappears in the form of "well-meaning" observers who feel the need to make sure you are still maintaining your worthiness. I gained a lot of insight from your article, and I won't forget it when I am interacting with my single-parent friends.
I can relate, to the lack of education and the divorce bit... I truly admire you as a mom, dealing with all of this. I can't even begin to imagine how I would be taking care of another human being right now, while looking for work and planning on going to school. You are brave!
One thing that Jaime touched on, but that bears repeating, is this:
"...you cannot do this whole life thing on your own --- especially if you have a child or children. You need people. You need friends, you need family, you need help...."
As a single parent, I want to echo this wholeheartedly, and ask those of you who are friends of single parents to be patient and understanding with them. I lost a lot of friends because I divorced. But I lost a lot of others through attrition. Suddenly, I was working when my stay-home mom friends were available to hang out, and they were with their husbands/families when I was free to hang out. I fought hard to maintain some of those friendships, but it truly was a FIGHT.
When you've been a stay-home wife and mom, and suddenly you are working 9-5, your whole life dynamic changes. The friends whom you would have met to cry it out with aren't available when you're off work. You only have your kids a couple of weekends a month, so you don't schedule stuff on "their" weekends with you. And people struggle to understand why someone who was once spontaneous and freely available suddenly needs to schedule time three to six weeks in advance. It's a really huge adjustment.
Jaime, my heart goes out to you! You have eloquently described some of the very emotions that I have gone through as a single (ex-ATI student) mom of four. My ex was abusive and it was only God's grace tht let me leave after eight years of feeling that I was stuck in the marriage I had chosen (I eloped without my parent's permission).
My ex was not sexually unfaithful, but unfaithful in every other way that a husband can be. I finally felt God's call to leave, but felt very guilty for some time after. It has taken me 10 years to finish my degrees so that I can enter the workforce, as I felt that the debt was a small price to pay for allowing me to be home when my children were not in school.
I am grateful that my parents stopped "drinking the ATI kookaid" when I got married, and that we have a great relationship: I couldn't have raised my kids without their support. I'll be finished with my Counseling degree next year and can't wait to get my LPC licensure! It has been my dream to help people since my first psychology class back in undergrad.
Yes, ATI made the lives of countless girls far more difficult than they should have been, due to keeping us from learning the life skills we would need later on, but God is great and so much bigger than ATI! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
well thanks for sharing your info i have been single 19 years after bad divorce called to preach and my biggest fear is dying alone now at 50 and i know God does not want man to be alone i have 3 teenagers and just been renunited with them , gos is good but i beleive he had another bride picked by his own hand for me so i ask for prayers to find his perfect will and mate for my life , i want to haver some ones hand when i cross over to glory land , sweet beula land , in his love ronnie
wow thankyou for sharing this. we were a 'good' ATI family , homeschooling in an isolated farmhouse, all dressed up and lined up like ducks in a row...until my teenage son ran away because dad had beaten him. while he was in prison my daughters confided that they too had been abused. My pastor called us in to lecture us on forgiveness, despite knowing it all, then threw us out of church when I filed for divorce. For the following fourteen years I had hated myself for failing god, my family and the ATI standards. I am gradually clawing back a sense of self worth and belief in a loving god.It does me so much good to know that we were not tthe only victims or the only ones to break rank.
Financially things are easier here in the uk as there is welfare for single parents and loans for first degrees.
Michael,
Scrolling through prior posts on Recovering Grace,
I 'happened' upon your comments today, April 9, 2018.
I sincerely wonder where you are now & how you are doing.
I have stopped to pray for you & send this message:
Over 1 1/2 years have passed since you posted, submitting your thoughts....
Everyone on earth has intrinsic value in HIS eyes...
How incredibly sad to believe that there is 'something inherently wrong with you' because no one appears to care
or to even take an interest. :+(
Of course you can be wrong... And, you are!!!
Your words indicate to me that you are a very loving, caring
Child of Our Savior. This IS who you are. :+)
This is 'something about you'.... Worthy & Loving..
I am believing you are faring far better, in this day, in every way..
Perhaps if you were not 'allowed' to perceive, from those around you, the impression of being unworthy, you would never have discovered the amazing warmth and unconditional love of your precious pets. (I, too, have experienced the comforting feeling they bring. Praise the Lord that those subsequent, heartfelt emotions they generate can alleviate our grief and distress.... :+)
There are many of us who struggle with intense daily pain and are no longer able to function in the work force.
Enduring can often be .... a moment to moment struggle. Consequently, our finances can be stretched to the limit. However, we know that GOD owns the cattle on a thousand hills. HE can and does bring answers...
I am believing that in HIS Timing you will also 'happen' upon my reply to you. I will happily continue to pray for your needs and well being. Being ever mindful that you are precious in HIS eyes, realize that HE will place others in your path to bring solace when needed. So, as we cry out "when Lord, when?", don't forget to ....
'do your part' and 'reach out'... :+)
Then, Jesus will bring it to pass....
Blessings....
In His Grip and Love,
A sister in Christ...