The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 20: One Response: Flight
We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.
If you find that you are currently involved in a religious system that is abusive, should you stay or go? Chapter 20 looks at “Flight,” chapter 21 considers “Fight.” We are introduced to Don, a pastor who has found that as he preaches about grace people begin to heal and relationships are mending. However, a vocal minority organized a resistance; they want things to go back to how they were. A letter was sent, asking him to resign. What to do? How to decide?
There is no one-size-fits-all formula but some questions may help clarify one’s thinking.
- Does grace have a chance in this system?
- Of course God can always work, but as a rule of thumb, sheep tend to follow shepherds. If the shepherds are grace-full, even if the sheep are legalistic, grace has a chance. If the shepherds are power-posturing and offering legalism, again, sheep tend to follow the shepherds.
- Are you supporting what you hate?
- If you are locked down by the can’t-talk rule, you may be in a situation where you cannot change the system. You need not play the victim–even though you cannot change the system you can change yourself.
- Do you need to be right?
- Are you staying due to a sense that you are right, therefore you should not have to be the one to leave?
- Can you stay, and stay healthy, at the same time?
- I’m highlighting this one because I think the discussion on this point is another one of those sections that is worth the price of the book. They present a helpful diagram. The basic idea is that if you are allowed to be yourself, and have been able to express the truth in love, then you may well be able to stay within this system and maintain your health and integrity. If you feel forced to internalize all of your concerns with the system and to act incongruous to your internal beliefs and conflicts, your health and relationships are likely to suffer, and you should probably look for an exit. This is a very quick summary.
- Can you decide your own limits–and stick with them?
- Do you believe God cares more about this church (or other system) than you do?
- We can take comfort in the fact that Jesus said He will build his church. He is not depending on us to fix all the problems.
- Is it possible the system might need to die?
- Sadly, there are times it seems that God writes Ichabod (the glory has departed) on the door post. It is not worth your time and effort to prop up a place from which God himself is stepping back.
(there are several more questions in the book)
The final question: if you came to this system today, knowing what you now know about it, would you stay?
- If the answer is no, then why keep returning to it?
I reiterate that the diagram and discussion under the “Can you stay, and stay healthy?” section are very worth a read.
One of the authors shares transparently from personal experience how difficult it was to be in a situation that was clearly sponsoring abuse. He knew he was “in the right;” he wanted to be faithful and to do the right thing. It was hard for a group of people who all saw the problems but whose voices were stopped by the can’t-talk rule–they wondered why they should be treated as the problem when they were only guilty of trying hard to serve and of pointing out things that were clearly wrong (a doctor who was not there to give physicals of any kind was offering breast exams to teen girls?!). The leadership was not interested in changing things: from their perspective the “problem” was those who were telling the truth about the problems. In this case, the time came to put integrity over salary and move on.
Personal Interaction
I have been in a couple different situations where I had to ask the question, Should I stay or should I go? I have an internal impulse to stick it out to the bitter end. Material like this chapter is helpful in clarifying the issues. It is not an easy decision to make, and perhaps for a long time after you find yourself asking if you should have done something differently. I believe their advice to look at the leadership is good advice. If the leadership has a good measure of unity in pursuing a vision in line which you can support in good conscience, and if they reflect a healthy understanding of grace, this may be a situation which will pay off in the long run for sticking with it. If the leadership is split or is in unity in a stance that does not reflect grace, you probably want to be extra cautious about investing more time and energy. In either case, it is important to be able to hear wise counsel from those who know you.
One thing I might add to their list is “you are married to your spouse, not this church, ministry, or job.” Even if you feel that you personally are able to handle the situation but it is killing the soul of your spouse or family, loving your family may dictate that you choose them over the situation.
The next (and final!) chapter is about choosing “fight” instead of “flight.” Stay tuned!
Question for discussion: Have you had to make this decision of flight vs. fight? Anything you would do differently? Any insight to share with others who may be facing that decision at this time?
Click here to move on to Chapter 21
"The leadership was not interested in changing things: from their perspective the 'problem' was those who were telling the truth about the problems." It's so sad when self-identified Christians are frightened of truth and value security and comfort instead of truth and justice.
As time goes by, I am seeing more and more the difficulty but importance of "truth in love."
I had always thought of that as a touchy-feely thing, but that's so mistaken. Often, both the love and the truth part are hard to genuinely do. It's hard (impossible) to truly be loving towards someone who is using you or others; it's hard to tell the truth when you know there will be retaliation; and when you know there will be retaliation, how are you supposed to not frame this person as your enemy? When you stand up to an abusive person you can be as gracious as you know how, but simply telling the truth will cause them to attack you, either actively or passively. Power-posturing people instinctively sense that the straightforward truth of the situation is one of their biggest threats, thus they must always manage appearances and always control what people say (hence the unwritten "can't-talk rule").
Matthew, that is EXACTLY how it works. I've been there. I was also considered by "leadership" to have been "submissive" and "under authority" for years partly because I was there many times when I could avoid the situations because I could keep silent. "ATI leadership" mistook silence for compliance, and life went on. However, just like tyrany in government, the expansionist quality of the abusive nature in "ministry organizations" (even including some churches) continues until it is checked.
Unfortunately, this requires speaking out about the injustices. Both passive agression as well as outright aggression are abusive. Some people actually prefer to live under systems like this because they "feel safe." All I can say is this, "You feel safe until they turn their focus toward you." Then, your security vanishes and you feel as you mentioned--you feel vulnerable to the attack and retaliation that you know is coming not because you are doing wrong but because you are stepping outside of what you know will please them and you have witnessed this happen to others. Simply being aware that the leadership had the ability to control the situation without limitation or public outcry leaves you feeling very, very alone. In reality, you discover that you have been trained to respond on a basis of fear and not faith.
When you realize that the system stands due to lack of accountability and the power of fear, you find it helpful to ensure that situations occur where there IS accountability especially from those outside the organization--it affects everything! People change faces, they retract statements, they reposition. But, as soon as the accountability is gone, they come back. Ultimately, you are forced to either stand or leave in faith.
Faith stands under duress for the sake of RIGHTEOUSNESS with the understanding that EVERYTHING stands before the eyes of God including the injustices about to happen while fear collapses in deference to STRENGTH and INTIMIDATION. Faith gives you the power to speak out and stand no matter what they will or "can" do. Yes, you will be labeled "out from under authority." However, I hear the pot calling the kettle black when we consider God's authority over all. Since I believe in non-optional principle of authority of Jesus as Judge over all, I find new strength to stand and not fear what man can do. Jesus words: It is I, be not afraid.
What I think is so interesting about this legalism thing is that some have the audacity to be perturbed, then judge, even to punish a fellow christian who expressed an opinion different from what they hold to be the "truth".
Excellent post! Really helped put things in perspective when looking at how the leader is and if I can stay healthy in this situation. Also, evaluating the health of my family if I stay is so valuable. Thank you!
I have been involved in a number of fellowships that practiced close down anyone who objects to the group mentality for the sake of harmony. However the damage it causes can destroy a person psychologically and spiritually.
I have shared elsewhere that I lived with a family that were part of ATI. The control and manipulation is very subtle. It is so easy even though you know something isn't right to be hoodwinked because on the surface they appear loving gracious and genuine.
To a large extent they were all these things however when they gently try to change who you are ie: the way you dress, your opinion of your pastor and your friends, the way you deal with your finances, job and even the car you drive because it doesn't present the right image; you have to ask what is really going on.
Then there was the usage of biblical terms that were subtly changed to mean something else. I challenged this openly as I have a fairly grounding in doctrine. Things like the meaning of grace, forgiveness and sin were used often although when you asked what this meant to them they would give vague or anecdotal replies. Grace was something you couldn't earn but appearance meant everything. Forgiveness was a process that followed specific guidelines. Sin was something that nearly always had "because they did or didn't do something this happened".
It reduced God to the same level as the petty Greek god's of mythology with all the same character flaws. This is the only way I can describe it.
The straw that broke the camels back was the fact that their eldest daughter and I developed a romantic interest in each other. Obviously we were discovered to which I said the right thing to do was leave but not without asking her parents what would happen if after time we still felt the same way. I was told in no uncertain terms that we didn't have permission to have feelings for each other (emotional purity).
To my astonishment they told me they didn't want me to leave. Does this make any sense to anyone? Then the father asked me to write a list of my strengths and weaknesses, Why? They were never going to give their consent so why the charade?
We were given strict instructions about not sitting next to each other or being in the same room alone etc. To any sensible person what happens when you have two people in love with each other living under the same roof who are told they can't be together? It's a recipe for disaster.
When I wasn't around the girl whom I love was interrogated as to how I was coping and continually threatened with my expulsion if we didn't follow their rules. I only found out about this later which was the catalyst for me leaving.
The Girl whom I love and I began to make plans to escape. I found her a good Christian family to stay with and I arranged a place for myself elsewhere. Sadly someone I sought help and counsel from warned them of our plans and they took her away and brainwashed her into believing our love for each other was wrong because it was based on deception.
There is a difference between how we felt about each other and what we intended to do. We both believed that God had given us his blessing but what we tried to do in running off together in secret was wrong. In any case we are both adults and should have simply told them our intentions.
So now I haven''t seen or heard from her in nearly 12 months even though I have tried to contact her.
I am not blameless. Still I can't fathom the extent of what people will do to keep control. And this is the bottom line IBLP and ATI are not biblical it feeds into the types of personalities that need unhealthy control over others and justify it in the name of God.
I am heart broken and grieved although I refuse to give up hope that I will my girl again and I pray that God will break the bonds her family are tied to.
If anyone can offer me advice or simply pray for them I would appreciate it greatly.
Chris,
I do pray God will give you wisdom in how to proceed. Your story is so sad! I pray the woman you love will come to see the truth as well and will be freed from the bondage she is in to her family. What a difficult situation!
thank you. Unless someone has seen this from the inside or experienced it themselves they have very little conception of the mechanisms that are in place.
All I can say of Bill Gothard is that beneath that persona he wears is a sadistic control freak. I have read interviews with him and he denies that ATI exert the type of control many claim he does. Surely he is aware of it.
Oh, Chris. I am so sorry. I believe every word of this story, because I have seen it repeated so many times in the lives of others.
Have you read Darcy's stories about her courtship experience? You can type her name into the search box, to find them, if you wish.
Yes I read Darcy's story
I suggest fasting and seeking God's face. Pour your heart out to Him until you get an answer or some relief. I did that several times over a 9 month period before I was given "permission" to court.
We are both adults we don't need anyone's permission to court there is no biblical precedent for the type of courtship model IBLP promotes.
It was a cultural tradition practiced on the Old Testament it wasn't practiced by everyone and there is nothing in scripture anywhere that makes courtship tradition a binding spiritual law.
However your suggestion to pray and fast and plead with God isn't a bad idea. I am praying for their release from bondage to legalism
My point exactly. We were very much adults as well; however, out of respect for the family, I chose to wait until "permission" was granted (notice the parenthesis), and during that time I fasted several times and God showed me some amazing things about Himself - it was a transforming time in my life spiritually and I can see in retrospect how it better prepared me for spiritual leadership. I feel for you brother, God can change hearts for sure and He knows your pain.
Chris,this is exactly why, when I met the man of my dreams, I made the conscious decision to cut my parents out of all the decision-making regarding the possibility of our future together (I was well out of ATI by then, and clearly saw the dangers of the ATI courtship version of parental control). My parents didn't even know I was dating anyone, the first 6 mos.
I'm sorry to say, but anyone who is not ready to side with their significant other even against their own parents, is not emotionally ready to be married.
I can only hope that she can somehow get out and contact you, if this is meant to be.
I hope so as well Hannah I don't know that she wasn't emotionally immature I think it was more the emotional control and manipulation form her parents, especially her mother and also her mother's unhealthy preoccupation with needing to know everything... then there were the crocodile tears when all other forms of control failed;.
I didn't say, "immature". I'm saying that when you get married, for a healthy marriage, you forsake everyone else. You can't have a healthy marriage in which you are focused on pleasing your spouse, if you are still so concerned about pleasing someone outside of the marriage, and extraneous to it. She chooses either you or her parents, and in a situation like this, it cannot be both.
Hannah you are so right. the thing that strikes me to the core about this cult is that the parents live their lives through their children and the child ends up living their life to please their parent. It is one of the central principles of IBLP that a daughter is under her fathers authority even when she leaves home to get married that is a recipe for disaster. If only you knew the extent her parents went to so that they could get me out of the way and then make me look like the bad guy who preyed on their innocent daughter.
[...] Click here to go on to Chapter 20 All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here. Featured ArticleUncategorized [...]
Chris, I am very sorry to hear what has happened to you. It's such a shame that two adults falling in love is somehow so sinful. I hope God brings her around.
Thanks all I can do is pray and trust that God will preserve her heart and open her eyes