The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 21: A Second Response: Fight

We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.

If it seems the Lord is leading you to stay in a difficult situation, this chapter has some wisdom for you.

Decide whom you serve: This is an important point. If you are focused on serving the people, you may easily slip into trying to please them rather than serving them. If you are focused on serving Christ (1 Corinthians 4:1), you may find that you don’t please them but you are free to serve them. The authors give a hair-raising example of a pastor who fell into serving people over Christ and found himself unable to stand up against abuse in the extreme.

Be Wise About the Battle
There will be a battle. It may be that you will identify in a new way with the experience of Peter and John when they healed a man (recorded in Acts 4). Remember that one of the core elements of spiritually abusive systems is power-posturing. The spiritual authorities of Peter and John’s day postured their authority, but Peter and John had true authority. By calmly healing the man, they made the religious leaders look powerless.

The leaders met this new threat by laying down the can’t-talk rule. Peter and John boldly state that they are compelled to simply state what they have seen and heard.

Paul wrote that in the end, he would answer to God, not other people (1 Corinthians 4:3-4). From Paul as well as Peter and John we learn the importance of continuing to tell the truth.

A part of telling the truth is refusing to carry messages for other people. It will be more convenient for other people if they can unburden on you and trust you to carry the message to the leaders, and it will be more convenient for the leaders if they do not have to deal directly with the problems, but use you as a proxy. My word for this would be “triangulation.” Triangulation will “protect” people from having to grow in relational maturity. And it will wear you out.

Our enemy is not flesh and blood: People may stir up trouble and even be used as pawns, but they are not ultimately our enemy. As Believers, we believe there is power from the Holy Spirit that is available to us. This perspective helps us not to overrate the power of people who oppose us and not to underrate the power available to us.

“We are sent to sheep, as sheep, among wolves” (p. 227). We are not on a seek-and-destroy mission. How does a sheep even have a chance of ministering to wolves? By depending on a strong shepherd. It is often the case that God uses our weakness rather than using our strength. He gives strength to the weary, and he gives power to those who lack it (2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Isaiah 40:29-31).

Messes are not bad: A little leaven leavens the whole lump (Note: the leaven Paul was referring  to was legalism in Galatians 5:9). It seems that sometimes where abuse is concerned, there is a lot of leaven. You cannot and must not avoid it forever–it will have to be confronted at some point.

Responsibility and authority: These words certainly get your attention if you have a history with Gothardism! But in this case, they are not code words covering for a soul-crushing message. In a healthy system, you are given the authority to carry out the functions for which you have responsibility. If either a leader or a rank-and-file member of a group is burdened with responsibilities and expectations, but are denied the authority to accomplish the task at hand, they are destined to burn out.

A healthy system: Much of the book has focused on abusive leaders who mistreat the members, but it can happen the other way around. If the members all orbit around the leader, offering mostly their needs but not so much their gifts, the leaders will be used up and burn out. A healthy system will see the leaders and members bringing both gifts and needs, and all orbiting around God-the-Trinity, the One who can meet needs and give life.

Concluding thoughts:

1. Blessed are those who mourn. It is not wrong to take care of yourself. If you are discovering needs and wounds that have resulted from abuse it might be the best stewardship of your own self to seek out counseling or other help.

A reminder: abusive systems are traps with bait that attract prey. If you want to get out of abusive systems and stay out, it will take some self-discovery to figure out how you have been set up in the past, what it is about you that has been attracted to such systems, and how you can begin to recognize and pursue healthy and healing relationships.

2. Listen to God. Abusive systems love to push you down and make you feel that you are unable to hear from him yourself. Pursue God with courage and do what he tells you. Perhaps he will direct you to stay and “fight;” perhaps it has been his voice you were hearing all along that was telling you to take “flight.”

3. Get support. The disciples turned to their friends after being oppressed: When they had been released, they went to their own companions and reported all that the chief priests and the elders had said to them (Acts 4:23). Seek out companions who will support you.

Personal Interaction
I appreciate the affirmation that messes are not necessarily bad, and that in fact sometimes they are necessary. We all know what it is like to be blamed for the mess, but if the catalyst for it was simply telling the truth, then we need not internalize that blame.

It might be nice to have a fuller discussion about what a healthy system looks like after the investigation of what an abusive system looks like. But all books have limits and I suppose that there are shelves full of books that do that.

I have found this book to have an impressive amount of clear insight and wisdom. I highly recommend it. I would like to have a final post next week, summarizing some of the main points that stood out to me and ask for comments about what has stood out to you.

I offer a closing closing prayer for those who have experienced oppression and the can’t-talk rule, based on a prayer offered in the book and on Acts 4:29-20:

“Lord, we ask that you pay attention to those who have been intimidated and abused in your name. Take note of the threats that have been made and give your servants fearless confidence in preaching your Message, as you stretch out your hand to us in healings and miracles and wonders done in the name of your holy servant Jesus. Give us courage to never stop telling the truth. Bring to us healing and rest.”

 (Click here to read the last post in our series: Concluding Thoughts)