The Right Thing for The Wrong Reason

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The Right Thing for The Wrong Reason

The Right Thing for The Wrong Reason

20 December 2012, 06:00

Recently, a Christian counselor whom I have been seeing said something that was a revelation to me: “You can read your Bible and be sinning.” As I let her words sink in, the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. God does not care about external devotion as much as He cares about internal devotion.

From the time I was a little girl, I was taught, “Read your Bible, pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, grow.” (Some of you may remember this catchy children’s song.) In the Basic Seminar, Bill Gothard encouraged his listeners to make a vow to read the Bible at least five minutes every day. I made this vow as a teenager and strove to keep it. At the time I thought, “Surely it must be a great sin to neglect to read the Word of God, which is able to make us wise.”

In a recent conversation with a friend, who also is a former Advanced Training Institute (ATI) student, we reminisced about our experiences in the EXCEL program at the Dallas Training Center. One of the disciplines required of us was recording in a notebook how much time we spent each day in Bible reading and prayer. If we spent less than 20 minutes, we were asked to give an explanation. It was as if spending less than 20 minutes was shameful. Bible reading often became a duty, and, at times, a drudgery, rather than a delight.

At Training Centers, students were expected to rise very early, as Bill Gothard teaches, so that they might spend a long time in Bible reading and prayer. Personal devotion time was followed by a group “Wisdom Search” where we were encouraged to make certain we had a rhema (a special word from the Lord) from our personal devotion time that we could share with the group. The more profound and “spiritual” it was, the better, especially if you were trying to impress a staff member of the opposite sex. Once, I remember reading my Bible in a common area hoping a staff guy might notice how “spiritual” I was.

Naturally, my mind was not always focused on what I was reading. With great spiritual pride, I would often compare the biblical insights I had found with what others had shared and feel a sense of superiority when my insight was especially “deep.” On the flip side, I would feel discouraged if I did not have something enlightened to share, or if others shared an insight that I was about to share. Whenever it would be my turn to pray in a group, I would try to use lots of Scripture and make sure it sounded spiritually mature.

I would also practice “crying out” like Bill Gothard teaches, being sure to “humble myself” by lying flat on my face on the ground. I believed that if I did not have a good quiet time, then God would not bless the work of my hands and establish it.

While Bible reading and prayer and other spiritual disciplines are very important, looking back, I can’t help but see that in my devotion, I was overlooking my relationship with God as well as His grace. My focus was on the legalistic formulas I had been taught — the right way to read the Bible and the right way to pray. I was so intent on trying to find some “hidden insight” in Scripture to share with others and praying for personal victory over my many sins, rather than just letting God speak to me through His Word and worshiping Him for who He is, not because of what He does or doesn’t do.

In the past few months, I have been re-examining the legalistic mindset that controlled so much of my earlier Christian life. Some days there is little desire to read my Bible or pray. My prayers have become much shorter and are sometimes as simple as, “Lord, help me!” or “Lord, thank you!”

Because I heard and memorized so much Scripture out of context, I am somewhat wary when I approach God’s Word or hear it preached. Some days, my Bible does not even get opened. Yet, the same grace that carries me when I do read the Bible, carries me when I do not. And when I do read, it is often just a few verses. Yet God feeds and ministers to me through those verses. I am learning that He cares much more about my heart and that I am seeking Him than He cares about how much or how long I read.

I’m also learning to know God as my Shepherd, who “leads me beside the still waters and restores my soul.” His love for me is not based on my level of devotion to Him. Nothing I do can make Him love me any more or any less. I don’t have to “prove” my love for Him. I simply rest in His love for me. And out of that love and grace, I am transformed into His likeness.

"Shelly" and her family grew up in ATI. She participated in many apprenticeship opportunities and served at several training centers, including two and a half years overseas. She married someone outside of ATI and they welcomed their first child this year. Shelly is currently working on completing her BA and re-discovering the riches of God’s grace.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

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33 Comments

Sarah December 20, 2012 Reply

I know this struggle. I haven't consistently read my Bible for years because it was only a duty and never a delight. Now, I want to develop the discipline again, but still haven't found the delight that I know is waiting for me, so am struggling to appropriately develop the habit. I haven't figured it out yet.
Rowena December 20, 2012 Reply

Something that really helped me was getting a different translation of the Bible. I may not read every day, but now when I do, it's fresh and interesting. And it helps me actually read the words without hearing every seminar, sermon, and conference I ever attended.
- Mercy December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  I too enjoy reading the Bible in a different version. Sometimes I sing along with a praise song or hymn like "How Firm a Foundation" that has words taken directly from Scripture.
  
  Also I'll read online on Bible gateway or bible.cc (the second one is NOT a www) to help avoid associations I have with past forced devotion times.
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  That is true Rowena. My husband got me a different version of the Bible to read and it does help. Sometimes I just go to an online site like BibleGateway.com to read Scripture. It does help to hear it worded in a fresh way. I have also found worship music or Scripture songs especially meaningful. When I am unable to read my Bible, God will often speak to me through the words of a song.
Heather December 20, 2012 Reply

This is so my struggle. I kinda feel glad that I'm not the only one struggling with this. I don't do daily devotions at all. I too, am afraid of reading the Bible. There was so much misery and no true Spiritual growth, by myself, or my parents. They were well meaning, and completely devoted to religious duties, but that's all it was at the end of the day. A religious duty.
But at the same time, whenever I do open my Bible on my own, whatever I read in there is so refreshing and good, and I wonder why I don't do this more often.
I also think alot of people don't understand this struggle, unless they've been there. I wish they understood what it feels like to be caught in a net and feeling unable to escape. It takes some getting used to once you finally find freedom, and now don't quite know what to do with yourself.
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Yes, Heather. It is a comfort to know we aren't alone in this struggle. My family grew up in ministry and to admit that I don't read my Bible or even want to read it is a huge thing for me. My Dad knows the Bible inside and out. But I am finding that you can "know" a lot of Scripture without truly knowing God's heart. The Pharisees had large portions of Scripture (The Law) memorized yet they missed the heart of the Gospel. I lived my Christian life as a Pharisee of Pharisees but now I am learning to be more like the Publican who prayed "God, have mercy on me, a sinner". In the NT story, the Publican, not the Pharisee, went home justified that day.
Lauren S December 20, 2012 Reply

Reading the Bible (or rather not reading it enough) was a source of guilt for me most of my life. There came a day, once I was actually getting to know God for himself and recognize his voice, when I distinctly heard him tell me to stop it.

I was about to have my "devotions" when I really couldn't put it off any longer, and laboriously went to pick up my Bible when I heard, "If you're gonna do it like that, then just don't." No guilt or shame given in his tone. Just matter of fact. Kinda like, "You seem miserable, why don't you stop?"

Of course my first impulse was to think, "God would never tell me not to read the Bible!" Then I thought about how many years I had been reading it just to lessen my level of guilt for the day. Yes, God would get me to stop anything that I was relying on to take away my guilt in place of Jesus. So, I stopped tryong to read it regularly or for devotions. I felt such relief! Then I felt guilty for feeling relief. Oh, well. I eventually got over that too.

Now it has been a few years, 5+ I think. I am still wary of the Bible but less afraid of it on the whole. I agree with Heather that other people/Christians just don't understand.

They are surprised enough that I have actually read the ENtire Bible multiple times. Not to mention that I have been abused with almost every single verse in there. As well as being abused with the idea that the Bible is some sort of magical talisman that has the power to ruin or bless your day based on whether you read it that day and even how early in the day you read it. Am I the only one who thought my days could never be blessed because I could only stay awake to read the Bible when it was time to go to sleep instead of when it was time to wake up?
- Heather December 20, 2012 Reply
  
  Lauren, the word 'detox' just came to my mind. Maybe that's EXACTLY what God is doing for us, and waiting patiently for His desired result when we're able and ready to give it a go again!
  - Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
    
    Detox is a perfect word to describe this process. So much Scripture was poisoned by the teachings of man that sometimes you have to take a break from all of it and slowly begin adding a little bit back at a time. God is so good and patient with us. He understands our confusion and pain and in His time, He will make all things beautiful.
MatthewS December 20, 2012 Reply

This resonates. Everything in it relates to what I saw and experienced as well (some of it from the male side).

In Moscow, I was irritated with the young ladies who would line the stairs to Bill Gothard's room, sitting there doing their devotions. It didn't occur to me then how much he himself encouraged this, nor did I realize they were simply doing what we all were: following the unwritten rules to "success". I look back and think about him with that big plastic smile as he walked by (is it my imagination or was he touching their heads as he passed by them?) and I think it would be a huge ego boost to have young adults lined up by the dozens, hanging on your smallest smile and blessing.
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Matthew, That story about the girls in Moscow is hilarious and pathetic at the same time. Why, oh why did we elevate Bill Gothard's opinion (and other staff member's opinions) to such an ungodly levels? They were unable to satisfy our deepest longings for acceptance, love and blessing. Only God can bestow such gifts.
- "Hannah" December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Bahaha, SUBtle!
- Headless Unicorn Guy February 5, 2014 Reply
  
  This sounds like something out of L Ron Hubbard and his teenage bikini-clad "Commodore's Staff" who waited on him hand and foot.
Shelly December 20, 2012 Reply

"Am I the only one who thought my days could never be blessed because I could only stay awake to read the Bible when it was time to go to sleep instead of when it was time to wake up?"

Lauren, You are not the only one! I would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and attempt to have a long, spiritual devotion time and would end up dosing off in exhaustion. If I had a a big task to accomplish that day I felt that it would not be successful unless I spent copious amounts of time in prayer and Bible reading. When I taught CI's, I did not feel prepared unless I had spent hours of time in prayer for the evening. It was all cause and effect and sucked the joy and relationship out of my experience with God. He came to give rest to our souls not heavy burdens. He wants us to want Him not feel duty bound to obey Him. God is so different from the perception I had of Him in IBLP!
MatthewS December 20, 2012 Reply

In terms of moving forward - it is still hard for me to have any discipline about time in God's Word. It was all about performance and not about relationship, which is the fault of my own home and my own self but it was fueled by Gothardism as well. That was all a long time ago.

In recent times, some of the best times I've had with God involved assignments in spiritual formation type of classes. Being assigned to simply sit and be quiet for 30 minute blocks of time in God's presence, or to take an hour block of time in prayer with my wife on a weekly basis for a semester. It wasn't about recording any deep thoughts or showing off, rather just about the experience of doing it. It is hard, hard to do but I did truly find it rewarding, and it seemed that God did answer some difficult prayer requests during that time. I wish I were better about keeping up the habit.
Chris Symonds December 20, 2012 Reply

This practice of making our devotions a duty rather than a desire is common among many cultic groups not just ATI. I worked with a mission group that had pretty much the same approach. So although the errors weren't as extreme as Bill Gothard's the one up man ship and the guilt trips for not meeting the rest of the groups standards is the same. A common theme or group dynamic that emerges from IBLP, ATI and many other closed thinking groups is that the participants are rarely well grounded in doctrine.They often use words such as grace, mercy, love and accountability but subtly change their meaning sadly making followers prisoners to guilt, outward appearance and works.

I used to spend hours in devotions however it became a chore keeping copious amounts of notes when I should have simply sought to gain one thing well rather than 100 things that would take a life time to master... and never would.

My daily devotions today consist of giving thanks praying for those I love and reading a chapter a day. I simply reflect on what I read and no longer obsessively keep notes. My main aim is to be more Christ like and allow myself to be both corrected and comforted by God's word.
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Chris, these are great thoughts. It's interesting that other cultic groups fall into the same habits. I too would take notes on my quite time and journal extensively. I felt like I had to read my 5 psalms and Proverb each day in addition to chapters in the Old and New Testament and I needed to find insights in all of these readings. I felt that if I only read a Proverb or a few verses then I was slacking and not truly devoted.
  
  Being a new mom, I'm doing good now if I just read one verse! But it is interesting to me how much God can speak through just one verse when my heart is truly seeking Him, not seeking His blessing, not seeking a formula for success, but just seeking Him-His comfort, His friendship, His guidance, His love, His goodness. When I don't read my Bible, He is still able to speak to me, sometimes through a song on the radio, an e-mail from a friend, an inspiring story. The important thing is that my heart is seeking Him. God reveals Himself in beautiful ways to the heart that yearns after Him.
Rachel December 21, 2012 Reply

Thank you for your willingness to be open and honest. Other Chritians do not understand this....and are often quick to judge. I know, I was that person. How could someone not want to read their Bible? That was silly!

Then 18 mos. ago my life fell apart - I came face to face with the fact that my life was based on shale - not rock. I couldn't even pick up my Bible because I could only hear Bill Gothard's voice and all the teachings that I now realized were twisted. It's been 18 mos. I still can't read it. I don't trust my judgement. I can't decipher what is true and what is not. But I've come to the place of realizing that if the God of the Bible could save and show mercy to his children who didn't have Bible's to read...or know even how to read...I'm pretty sure he can show me mercy and reveal Himself to me without me picking up a tool used to manipulate and control me.

Kudos to your counselor for speaking truth to you.
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Me too Rachel! When I think of how judgmental and self-righteous I was toward those who were not as faithful in BIble reading as I was, it makes me cringe. You are right that God is merciful and perfectly able to reveal Himself in different ways to different people at the point of their need.
  
  I am so grateful for the truth my Counselor shared. When I first started going to her, I was surprised and even a little critical when she did not open her Bible much or share lots of Scripture in our sessions. Now I see her wisdom in helping me think outside the box in my view of God and what He desires of me. "He desires truth in the inward part", not "sacrifices" not formulas.
Wendy Blake December 21, 2012 Reply

Simply beautiful!!!
- Shelly December 21, 2012 Reply
  
  Thanks Wendy. :-) This is my first time to write for RG and I wasn't really sure if this article was even worth sharing. I'm glad it resonated with so many of you. It is freeing to be able to be open and honest about my struggles after being such a spiritual fake for so long.
Elizabeth December 24, 2012 Reply

My family joined ATI after my first year of Bible college. One of my Bible college teachers required certain books of the Bible to be read through before each test. As a result I read the entire Old Testament one semester and the entire New Testament the second. Reading your Bible and praying every day was something I was taught since I was a child but I didn't start having personal devotions until I was in high school.I struggled to have regular devotions. When I was in college the struggle continued until after I took that class. I resolved to just read through the Bible.One morning I got up to have my devotions and discovered my book mark had fallen out and much to my chagrin I couldn't remember where I had read the day before. So after that I took notes on what I read. I did it for my own personal learning, not because someone told me to do it. I don't use any formula, I just write what I learn and what I don't understand and what I think about it. When Mr. Gothard taught us how to do our devotions I listened and thought, "That's a nice suggestion for someone who is struggling to have regular devotions but I don't need it." I never took anything I heard at a seminar as a law, only as suggestions. I was amazed when I went to places like Indianapolis and realized that people actually followed Mr. Gothard as if his word was law. That really bothered me because no man is perfect and some of the things he talked about were matters of opinion.
Living the Christian life can not be regulated. Life is not formulaic. Christianity is all about your personal relationship with God, not following a bunch of formulas and rules. God only requires that we love Him and keep His commandments. Reading your Bible is how you do this. But you do it to get to know and understand the Father who sacrificed for you and to learn what His commandments are. I think this is where Mr. Gothard has failed. He has tried to make living for God easier by using formulas. But living that way is not living purposely and with thought. God is not a formula, He is a person.
Susanna December 26, 2012 Reply

I SO needed this! I've come back to re-read this article several times because it's hitting right where I am.

Over the past few months, I've come to the point where the only "safe" places to read my Bible are with my church family (NOT my biological family or on my own) - either during corporate worship or in Bible study. I haven't been able to read (or have a "quiet time") myself for a bit now - it's frightening and liberating at the same time. I've been horribly worried - "What if this getting triggered by the Bible is indicative of my lack of devotion?!" And then I remember that God is WAY bigger than I am acarnd His grace is free for the asking, more than I could ever imagine...

Thank you for your courage in writing this - it's brought me life.
Heather December 29, 2012 Reply

Just last night I picked up a book that promises to help me have a more productive life, and the first thing it said is that in order to have a good day, I must start out with a quiet time. The author encourages getting up a little earlier than the children so that I can spend quality time in prayer and Bible reading. This sounded so much like what I was taught as a teenager that I put it down and all those feelings of discouragement and failure came washing over me again. The book says that even if I don't get much out of the Bible at first, just keep reading and soon I will want to consume it with passion and pleasure. The problem is, I tried that 12-15 years ago, and it didn't work for me then so I gave up and decided that I'm just not a spiritual person so why even try.

As I've gotten to know God as a loving and gracious God (not vindictive and angry) I would try to read my Bible again but always gave up in discouragement because every time I opened up to all the passages I'd marked (to look really spiritual) I found myself repeating all the old legalism. I got to where I didn't trust my Bible. My husband suggested that I get a new Bible which I did, and I find that sometimes I AM really hungry for God's word. When that happens I read and read. Other times I might go for a couple of weeks without reading it - I don't even take it to Church. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not, but I'm not stressed out about it anymore. And the book that I looked at last night is going in the garbage! Thanks for your article. It was the encouragement that I needed today!
- esbee December 30, 2012 Reply
  
  I have the same problem as you about reading the bible and trying to get something out of it...but God feeds us all the same...I was watching the old movie "The Bishops' Wife" with Cary Grant and Loretta Young and it is such a wonderful tale of an angel coming to earth to help the bishop who wants to raise money for a great cathedral. The tale shows the angel ministering to the needs of the characters and even to helping the widow who has all the money for the church who wants the building named for her late husband whom she never loved...there are many principles of God's love shown in just watching it helped me feel closer to God. If you get a chance, I think it will be a blessing to you.
  - Shelly December 31, 2012 Reply
    
    I've actually seen that movie and really like it. Especially the part of Cary Grant telling the little girl about David and Goliath and quoting Psalm 23. The bishop was so focused on building his reputation that he missed the point-Loving God and others,esp. his own family. I like how Cary Grant encouraged Loretta Young to have fun. Being a minister's wife can be draining. Service to God should not sap your joy. He reminded her to take time to enjoy life.
Greg Hahn December 31, 2012 Reply

August 31, 1988. I failed to read the Bible that day. I had issues at work, a job for which I'm constantly on call, and I closed on my first house purchase that day.

And I forgot to read the Bible. I was horrified by that. I'd read it daily, without fail, since early 1981. And now I blew it. The condemnation I felt over that was huge.

I didn't really ask myself where I got such a legalistic idea, but I went through both the basic and the advanced IBYC seminars in the early 80s.

So now I know. Wow.
Joan June 16, 2013 Reply

Wow......I haven't read this site before.....I'm understanding my own experiences better. So insightful and gives cause for praise that God rescued me from the trap.
Joseph O'Dorisio October 15, 2013 Reply

I was blown away when I read this article. I have been struggling with having a "quiet time/Bible reading/get on your knees and cry for hidden iniquity cause that's the only way god will ever bless you". since moving out of my parents house 4 years ago I have not read my bible regularly. I have carried so much guilt and shame because I was raised in ati so deep my blood is still blue and white. reading these stories is healing that pain, also the verses in 1 cor 13 where nothing matters if you don't love, not reading your bible or getting up early, only love. the craziest thing is I have been a Christian since I was like 8. but I feel like a brand new baby Christian. all the verses and knowledge did nothing for me without love. I have grown more in 4 years than the prior 12 years where I was just a robot that could recite words but I was not living love. another thing that I keep thinking about is something my pastor said: "why do you want to know more about the bible, if you are not obedient to what you do know, if you know more you will just be more disobiedient" wow I am a little Pharisee. God is so good and now when I do read my bible its because I am excited or hungry not because I am afraid of bad karma. job was a better man than me and he had a really bad time, how many times ive heard you cant have Gods favor unless you meet Him early almost like He is there at 5 am but after 8 am He is not gonna wait for you. thank yall for sharing your stories, I am getting healing tonight for sure.
- Shelly October 24, 2013 Reply
  
  Joseph, YES! I too, became a Christian at a very young age but we also joined ATI when I was very young as well. So the beautiful gospel of grace through faith became mixed with a gospel of works. I did love God and wanted to prove my love by what I did for him. However I always sensed His disapproval when I did not quite measure up. I exhausted myself trying to please him and would hate myself for my weaknesses, sins, and imperfections. Learning to rest in and accept God's love for me, not based on any of my own merit or efforts has been HUGE. It has made me a more loving and genuine person as well. Instead of picturing God with His finger pointing down at me in grave disapproval, I picture His nail scarred hands outstretched to welcome and embrace me. It is truly life transforming. The perfect love of God brings such healing and comfort.
carlos February 7, 2014 Reply

This may help.... Even if we have never been involved in a movement that guilted you into reading the Bible, we've all been taught things (often by well meaning people) that just isn't true. Before reading the Bible I ask God to help me set aside the things I already "believe" about a given passage and to read it with fresh eyes under his direction. I then list any preconceived notions about the passage and refuse to consider them while reading. It's amazing how often I see things I've never noticed before or remember sermons where error was introduced (or my own studies where I missed the point).
Robin February 26, 2014 Reply

Wow! I feel so much better...all these years I thought I was the only one who felt this way about the Bible. Thanks everyone for sharing your struggles and thoughts.
Karen September 22, 2014 Reply

Wow. I didn't know this website existed until today. Without going into detail, I came across it through a series of searches, but ultimately I believe God was behind me finding it.

I too am one of those young people (I was 17 years old) who got severely damaged by making the vow to read the Bible every day. That really screwed me up spiritually. I have dealt with that damage through the years, but unfortunately I think there are still threads of legalism in me that need to be pulled out.

Reading the posts here and the comments afterwards have been very helpful. It's amazing the good things that can be found on the internet. I would like to say thank you to those who wrote the posts, and to those who offered subsequent remarks.

Yes, as others have alluded to, God wants our hearts, not our duties. Why oh why do we forever strive to please God with our works, instead of resting in what He offers us freely and allowing Him to achieve His will through us?

I am reminded of something I learned from a video on the life of Oswald Chambers. He came to a place in his life where God impressed this upon his heart: (just) be, and I (God) will do through you."

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