Editor’s Note: When a young person raised in Gothardism (or any other cultish organization for that matter) first begins to realize that much of what they have always believed about God, faith, and life is untrue, there is usually a great deal of mental and emotional anguish. Although the process of untangling and unraveling the jumbled mess of truths mixed with half-truths and lies always takes years, the first few days, months, and years are especially difficult. Any sense of inner stability seems to be gone as they seek to find their spiritual equilibrium in a world where up seems down and wrong seems right.
We recently received this submission from a former ATI [Advanced Training Institute] student that was written during this tumultuous period in her life around age 20. We thought it important to highlight, because we know that there are many people out there who have gone through, or are going through, the same type of struggles in their own lives. We want them to know that they are not alone.
Why do I feel so lost?
I realized recently that I’m seeking something. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what.
But I think I know now. I’m searching for me.
For the real me.
It’s hard to put it into words. I mean, my life looks so good on the outside.
I changed my Facebook profile picture a couple of days ago, and I got over 50 likes on it. Which really surprised me. I wasn’t even expecting people to really like it. Several people commented on my beautiful eyes, but I feel like they are lying. They don’t know that what they are complimenting isn’t the real me. It’s just the shell I live in. The shell I don’t belong in.
Man. That sounds really weird, I know.
How can I even talk like this? I almost can’t believe I’m saying all of this. I didn’t even realize this was all in my head till it started coming out.
I believe in God with all my heart. I go to church. I live a good life. Not the crazy conservative life I was brought up in, but not a bad life either. I’m learning to be happy.
But is that person really me?
Or are there two of me hidden inside of me? And which is which? Who of me is even talking right now?
I’m so confused.
How can I know the truth and still feel this way? How can I know that I know the truth one minute and then be questioning what even IS truth the next?
I wish I could know for sure who I am and what all has happened to me in my life. Do I remember everything, or am I still blocking many things out? It’s hard to believe how much I had blocked out before I started to face my past. But then, I almost wish I hadn’t started to face my past, because I wasn’t ready for what I’ve come face to face with.
I could never let my mom know how I feel about all this. Seriously. I know she meant well. She just wanted to protect me, and to do everything “right.” Somehow it’s backfired on her, and she doesn’t even realize to what extent.
She pretty much thinks I’ve become pagan because I wear jeans now when I go out, and I listen to music besides hymns and classical music. I’ve even been to the theater twice.
I try to respect and honor her. Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s the farthest thing from easy. I feel like I’m just going to go in circles if I continue living like this.
But what can I do about it? I wish someone had explained more things about real life when I was younger. Maybe then I wouldn’t have such a strange curiosity to know everything there is to know. To experience what I haven’t experienced.
I know I need to get out on my own. How can Mom think that sheltering me from the world and everything in it helps me? How could she not know that cutting me off from all of the “less godly Christians” around me actually cuts me off from the only place where I can ask for help?
I don’t really blame my mom, who meant well and still means well.
I don’t even blame Bill Gothard, even though I trusted him even more than my mom did. Well, until I stopped.
I don’t blame my father for being gone for most of my life. He was a good dad, and it’s not his fault he’s not here anymore.
I don’t blame my neighbors because—for crying out loud—they always thought we were a perfect family without any real problems.
I don’t blame my sisters, either. They are young and innocent. I really should have protected them more.
I don’t blame God. I do trust Him, however crazy that sounds. I know that He was always with me and kept me from experiencing worse.
I don’t blame the church, since we never really involved ourselves enough in the church for the church to know there was anything wrong.
I guess that means the only person left to blame is myself. And even though I know I shouldn’t blame myself, right now I can’t help it. There’s no one else to blame.
So I guess I’ll just blame the other me. Whoever she is.
January 5, 2020
This touched my heart deeply tank you for sharing this
I certainly understand what you mean. I went through exactly that for a number of years. Thanks for sharing.
Your writing is very poetic and fosters thought. I like what you wrote because a lot of that same questioning swirls in my brain, also.
Thank you sooooooo much for sharing this. I feel like I am listening to myself speaking when I read this article. I feel like my brain is in one big jumble and I can't find the light at the end of the tunnel. It is the biggest relief to know that there are others out there like me.
I totally can relate....
I find myself being cheerful, laughing, joking...Living life joyfully because of God's grace...
and still, somewhere, deep down inside of me is that smidge of questioning "Who is this girl? Why isn't she serious? Why does she dare think that she might be pretty? That someone would love her? Who does she think she is?"
Who is the real me?
Wow. I could have written this myself. I'm right there in the middle if it all. Trying to find myself and trying to figure out how to parent my children without stifling their true selves. I've even started a blog in hopes of writing my way through it might bring some sense of direction.
One thing that comes to mind in this is my training in Welfare Work and Counseling. Finding the real me!
During undertaking my degree we did a lot of soul searching about our strengths and weaknesses, or knowing thyself!
One thing that stood out to me while studying was that we can do one of two things when we try to discover ourselves; we either end up with an exaggerated view of ourselves and our abilities or we end up not liking ourselves very much. I ended up in the second category.
To the non christian self discovery can be an exercise in ego boosting. For me self discovery was more about knowing who I was in Christ. Knowing who I am in Christ from a biblical perspective means I must become less and Christ more. It isn't about what I do it is about what Christ has done for me. It is about Christ's ability not my inability. It is knowing He is perfect and has made full and perfect satisfaction ( propitiation and justification) for my sin. This is the key ingredient missing from ATI/IBLP
Not being an adherent of ATI/IBLP I have only come in contact with the twisted teachings of Bill Gothard through those I love. The thing I have noted most of all is the lack of true love and grace taught in the person of Christ by Gothard's system. Even though it is mentioned it is not practiced. This is often true in other para church movements as well only sin is often minimized and self is elevated. I found Ron Henzel's introduction to Bill Gothard very helpful in identifying the key problems with his teachings. I know most of you are most likel;y aware of his webiste but I placed the link here jsut in case you don't know of it. http://ronhenzel.tripod.com/GothardZone/08-BG2BG/index.html
Chris, thanks for posting that link. I had not yet seen that website and it was pretty interesting, very educational.
You're welcome Sad
I went on a dating site for awhile. E-harmony with 500 questions, literally. The hard part was that I had no idea what the answer was to a lot of those questions. I tried to be truthful but I truly did not know myself. It has taken years. Maybe I will try again someday. I think I know myself now, but maybe not.
Yes to that whole article and thank you for writing.
(raised in ATI)
I tried some of those dating sites once all I got were scam artists! Maybe Bill G. should advertise on them or proselytize for his admin girls!!! :)
I am where you are and I'm 61! I just left an physically violent and emotionally abusive 40-year marriage based on Gothard's teachings, and I feel like the rug has been swept out from under me. I'm re-evaluating everything. . . EXCEPT my faith in my God Who kept me alive and enabled me to continually choose joy and forgiveness.
God is walking this journey with you saying, "Be not afraid. I am holding your hand."
I can fully empathize with your hurts and needs. But the answer here is not to find the real you. That search makes things worse, not better. The only answer is to find the real Jesus. I'm not trying to be clever. The real us is not someone we want to find -- Paul wrote that unless Christ is in us we are reprobate. But the good news is that we can ask God to reveal Christ in us, and if that begins to happen, we won't be saddled with the need to find the real us. Paul said, "I have suffered the loss of all things that I might win Christ and be found in Him." That is identity -- all of us were meant to find our home in Him. He is the Truth which sets us free.
thank you David that was what I was trying to say :)