My family joined the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) when I was about 9 years old. I was taught the traditional courtship by ATI and Bill Gothard. Keep my mind pure. If I fall in love with someone who is not my spouse I’ll have less love to give him. My future spouse will ask my dad for permission before he talks to me. My dad will be the one in charge of my courtship. Dating is wrong and will lead me to sin. Boys became something to avoid: I didn’t look at them; I didn’t talk to them; I didn’t stand close to them.
When I was younger, before all the courtship rules and regulations, I was sassy and enjoyed interacting with boys. I was bold. One time, a boy was teasing a friend and me at church (it was typical “boy likes girl so he pulls her hair” teasing). I chased him throughout the entire church and out the doors yelling, “yeah, run, boy, run!” I was not a gentle and quiet spirit.
After all the courtship rules and regulations entered the picture, well, I was a completely different girl. I was terrified of boys. If one looked like he was going to talk to me at church, I turned around and pretended to be occupied with something else. I walked by boys with eyes averted. If we were with another ATI family that had teenage boys, I stayed as far away from them as possible. I was always on edge in social settings; during this time, I was having what I now know were anxiety attacks. Mostly these attacks happened either at a social event where the boys were, or when I knew an event was coming up. Somehow, I think the two facts are related.
When I was around 16, we started attending a different church. Most of the members were in ATI, as were the pastor and his family. A homeschooled boy (non ATI) started talking to me one day after the service. Not in an “I’m interested in dating you” way, but about politics, history, baseball, whatever was going on at the time. As I talked more and more to him, I slowly got over my fears. He was just being friendly, and you know what? Nothing bad happened. I started getting over my fear, and I began talking to the other boys at church (always in a group, never alone or one-on-one). One boy and I started leading some activities at the local nursing home through the church’s ministry. Apparently that crossed a line. My mother was informed by the pastor’s wife that she had learned from her daughter that I was “flirting with all the boys in the church.” I was shocked, and I told my mom that was not true. I am glad to say that my mom knew that I was not “flirting with all the boys at church.” But I started watching my behavior around boys again.
Around this time, our home life was falling apart. Things had gotten so bad, I had decided that I didn’t love my dad anymore. I was so scared that I was never going to get married, since my dad did not seem to care enough about me to look for a husband for me. My dad was rarely home, and when he was, he mostly ignored or yelled at us. I thought it was my fault that our relationship was disintegrating because I was not a good enough daughter. I remember hoping that he would not pick someone like himself for me to marry. My dad liked only people who were like him, and I was starting to dislike him. I was worried that I’d be stuck for the rest of my life married to someone like my dad. Nonetheless, I was determined to be a good daughter and to “give my heart” to my dad for his safe keeping; hopefully that would make things better. I had received a diploma-like paper from the Pre-Apprentice Seminar at Knoxville one year. On it, a vow was written to give my heart to my dad until such time I was married, then my dad would give it to my husband. During this lesson, the speaker stressed that giving your heart to your dad would be safe; he would not allow any harm to come to it because he was your God-given authority. There was a place on the paper for both of us to sign and date. I thought long and hard, and I decided to sign it and give it to my dad for Christmas. I wrapped it up and gave it to him on Christmas morning. In my mind, I was turning myself over to him and submitting like a Godly daughter should. This was difficult for me to do and very important to me. He opened it, read it, signed his name, and handed it back to me. I explained “No, this is for you. I want you to keep it. I don’t want it.” He said, “Oh, I think you should hang onto this for me; I might lose it.” I managed to keep from crying until I got to my room, where I began to sob. I had handed my dad my heart, and he just gave it back. He didn’t even care.
About two years went by. I started to worry that I was never going to get married at all. No one had shown the slightest interest in me or my sisters. It was then that I started to realize: This is not working, and there are no signs that it will. Dating was bad and looked down upon, and I had no other options. Following several contentious months with my dad, I moved out to live with extended family. I knew I had to get away. A few months after I moved out, my dad left my family. It came out that he had been cheating for six or seven years with many women. When this happened, my relationship foundations were destroyed. All those lessons on moral, upstanding behavior went right down the drain. I believed none of the things I had been taught, because the person teaching them did the exact opposite of what he taught. I didn’t know what to believe; I had to start at the very beginning.
Thankfully, my story does have a happy ending. I made serious mistakes when I first started dating that I regret; I dated some men I should not have seen. I was in my early 20s, and I had no clue how a mature, respectful relationship worked. A very kind, wise woman at my church, when I approached her crying and confused, advised me to go to counseling. I spent a year and a half in counseling, working on learning who I was and who I wanted to become. I had been so focused on becoming the standard of perfection that I had lost sight completely of who I was. I forgave my dad, and I worked through much of the emotional trauma he left me with. Once I found myself, I started dating again. I dated some very good, nice men before deciding (on my own) they were not the ones for me. I am grateful to those men for the great learning experiences. I left those relationships a better person.
I am now married to a kind, caring, smart, wonderful man; I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we belong together. I am grateful for all the learning experiences I had, although they were difficult at the time. Here is the thing: courtship is supposed to bypass those difficulties, prevent them from happening. It didn’t, even though I made the commitments and followed all the steps. Trial and error made me grow, mature, learn to trust. I would not be the person I am today if I had followed the traditional concept of courtship, and I would not have the marriage I have today. I would not want to change a thing; God used all that for good. Man-made courtship rules cannot, and should not, take away from God working in our lives. He is bigger than all that. I am so grateful that God, in his own timing, brought my husband and me together.
Disclaimer: My intent is not to say that those in marriages brought about via courtship are not as good as mine; I just find that the courtship model did not work for me, and that the courtship teachings did me more harm than good.
"Flynn" lives happily with her husband in the Midwest. She was home schooled K-12, spending a portion of that time in ATI. Flynn attended college after obtaining a GED, and she now works full time. She enjoys reading, crafting, cooking, gardening, and yoga.
Recently in our Sunday School adult class, the teacher declared that the decision on whom you would marry should be the most "selfish" decision you ever make. How shocking! What a thought! Selfish?
And why not? It is you who will live with the consequences of that decision for your entire life, whether you stay married, or not. It will be your children who will have that man as their father. And your grandchildren's lives, in-laws, your own family; the life long consequences of your marriage decision just go on and on.
And yet, so many of us are taught that looking out for our own self-interest is evil. We feel guilty if we put our own interests above another's. Yet, why is it that everyone else matters more than I do? Am I not as valuble a person as others?
I've had a lot of struggles in this area. I suffer from feelings of inferiority and inadequency still because I was always taught that selfishness was the ultimate sin. This is exactly the type of person that attracts power mongers who love to "lord it" over others.
"And yet, so many of us are taught that looking out for our own self-interest is evil."
Thank you for this comment. This is such a huge concept that applies to so many areas. I think of the beautiful article, "Living as God Designed" Sept 2011 as a great example of the idea of "our own self-interest" mindful of God's design.
The theological question is, "Do we thwart the sovereignty of God by living this way? I think not.
"...the decision on whom you would marry should be the most "selfish" decision you ever make. How shocking! What a thought! Selfish?
And why not?"
Courtship is definitely not the only Biblical way to get married. Whatever way followed needs to have Christ as the center and focus of the relationship and all choices related to it. I object strongly to the statement that "marriage should be the most selfish decision you ever make." Who are we making the decision for anyway? As you said, it will have an effect on many other people, especially our children. Who owns us anyway, ourselves? According to the Bible, if we are followers of Christ, we are slaves of Christ and His Righteousness. Ourselves are to be laid on the alter as living sacrifices to Him of self-denial and humble service to His will for us, not our own. Where does the worldly term "selfishness" come into this? The use of such a word in context of the most beautiful relationship God designed for humans to share is demeaning at best. A better term might be "wisest" or "most careful."
Tangent,
That thinking is what led me to date someone I shouldn't have, and stay in that relationship longer than I should have (thankfully, God is gracious, it's been broken off for years and He gave me a husband who is better to/for me than I could have dreamed). Who was I to say the guy wasn't worthy of my love?
My thoughts weren't that clear or cogent, but that was the notion that confused me and kept me with a liar and manipulator for a while.
Which way of thinking?
Great article! I am one of those who courted and it worked out well. And had ATI merely suggested it as "here is an option you might consider, I'd have less issue with it.
Instead, we were told "This is God's way." Remember that song (to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the Republic) "Dating is a deadly cancer, courtship is the only answer, so lay that dating down"? We also were taught that dating was training for divorce and courtship was training for marriage.
That's a lot of chutzpah for something that arguably was theoretical. When I joined ATI in 1990, there wasn't anyone who'd courted and married. By 1992, they had a couple who was courting give their testimony. It snowballed from there.
20 plus years later, we have data to analyze on whether or not the idea was sound. I'm unaware of any formal, evidence-based research (I'd be delighted to be wrong on that) so the best we can do is empirical observation. I know plenty of couples from ATI who dated whose marriages are thriving and many couples who courted who now are divorced. (Of course I know courting couples who STILL are married and dating couple who now are divorced).
I think your article does a great job illustrating that it is wise to look at your life and make the best decision for you rather than relying on someone else's thought on what way is "best."
I am very glad things have worked out and God has been gracious. I am not an advocate of dating, yet like RyanR said, courtship is any number of ways. For ATI to "formulize" things and make them "God's way" is what makes ATI so dangerous. Yet courtship is a Biblical concept and has many different looks and forms. Unfortunately, what your father did was not protect your heart, he didn't guide and shepherd you through any form of courtship, and that seems to me to have been the big break down. In a non-ATI church, you could have been able to go to your elders, wise family friends, a trusted older family, and number of other resources to have a trusting and Godly guide through those times before marriage. I am sorry for all you suffered, you have much wisdom to share now, thanks for exposing the formulaic methods of ATI that destroy so many lives.
I really enjoyed the article. I am a hugely supportive of young people being guided and provided with the tools to make their OWN decisions. I do not believe in courtship mainly because I see so many parents abuse the power this scenario gives them. Thank you for sharing your story!
I think ATI-ers and other fundies see only one definition to dating, which is to date anyone for any reason, i.e. mere physical attraction, with no thought of a long term relationship and/or marriage. Or just being a serial dater, just to do it, or out of boredom. Dating is so much broader than that, and most of the devoted Christian singles I know do not do this or condone this. They all want to get married, and would only date someone who they could see themselves marrying. It still may not work out, but they weren't being random or careless about it. So really I think the very concept of dating is misunderstood, and gets a bad rap. I dated two guys in my whole life, the second of which I married, and am very happy with. I met plenty of young men that I 'checked out and checked off', if you will. Good, respectable men, who at one point I wanted to get to know better, and when I did, realized that they weren't for me, but would probably make someone else a great husband. I didn't abide by any impossible, soul crushing, strenuous formula.
I may, at a very early and ignorant stage, have inadvertently hurt a fine young man, because I didn't realize until the last minute that I didn't actually like him like that. I suppose he thinks I led him on, truly I did not. Thanks to having zero experience around young men, and figuring this relationship stuff out, it took me way too long to figure out myself, men, life etc.. and then when I did figure it out, we were all but in a relationship. I feel really bad about that, but what was I supposed to do? I was just so ignorant! Add to that I didn't get proper time to really get to know him thanks to my parents being paranoid and controlling over every little thing, and it just took me longer than it should have.
Heather,
I sincerely feel for your generation. I honestly do not know how people find the right person anymore because so much can go on behind the scenes that we don't know concerning the other party. We now know that wearing a particular outfit does not signify anything and people can be very evil with all the pretense of being holy.
There are though people out there that know Jesus and understand the gospel. There is no real method of finding them though. However, you can know them by their fruits, which was how Jesus said to judge this. Also, John said in 1 John 3 and Paul said in 1 Cor 5 that if someone claims to be a Christian and is in sin, they aren't a Christian and that is another way to tell the difference. Sin is breaking God's moral law such as lying, cheating, stealing, coveting and especially sexual deviance.
One has to be led of the Spirit in this important decision. And even if you find the most perfect person, this does not guarantee that you are going to avoid suffering in some way in life whether it is through illness, financial setback or through some family issue. Suffering does not mean you made the wrong choice either. Financial gain is actually spoken against in Scripture and we are told to stay away from those who believe that gain equals godliness. If you are financially free, you are rich. But it is really the poor who are rich in what means most to God - faith. (James).
I hope this helps some
Vera
Courtship is not a Biblical concept but a cultural practice that existed in Biblical times. At least that is my understanding. Tim Keller has some good insight in "The Meaning of Marriage."
That's a good point, Heather. I had made a commitment never to date a girl I would never marry long before I heard of courtship. And most of us know someone who courted several times before they married.
Not sure I see the difference. The ones they didn't marry STILL had to deal with disappointment.
As someone who has endured two failed courtships, I would offer up that it deals a greater degree of disappointment and feeling of failure. When you court, it is almost a pre-engagement, with a set goal in mind. When you date, it is often understood between both parties that hey, we are getting to know one another. If things don't gel for whatever reason, move along. No big deal.
The degree of destruction my heart endured from courtship is almost worthy of its own article.
There is no perfect answer in meeting / finding a mate, and for ATI to emphatically state their way is the only way really reeks of a foul odor to me.
The ATI approach does not take into account those of us who come from non-Christian families. I was a "solo" act spiritually after I became a Christian early in high school. My church got into Gothard's teachings after I had gone away to school. I attended one seminar the summer I was home, and realized I would be a total failure at applying the teachings because my parents would think I was totally nuts. They were also not role models for marriage and fidelity ('nuff said). I kept on in a good church, observed marriages, and I have remained happily single. Now in my 50s, I am SO grateful that God gave me the wisdom to see that the proper application of His Word, as well as positive relationships with other believers, is much more important than any person's (in this case Gothard) interpretation/application.
I got to be the canoe instructor at STEP the first few years, and also got to speak on "extreme tomboy recovery" you could call it. The last year I was there I also shared my testimony on this very topic.
My Dad is a good man, but 100% engineer, and not great at communication. Couldn't even count the number of times I heard teaching on "giving my heart" to my Dad, and I did, and my Dad had no clue what to do with my heart. Soo many times I prayed through gut wrenching sobs, devastated by my Dad's apparent rejection and indifference; and looking back now, God was always silent. Never occurred to me at the time that maybe HE wasn't telling me to "give my heart to my father" at all.
It wasn't until my Dad agreed to let a guy court me after barely checking up on him at all that I had a moment of clarity. I had made a vow that I would marry the first guy Dad allowed to court me (giving my heart to someone other than my husband being such a unrecoverable tragedy and all). So sitting on that couch listening to my Dad, I was having an internal panic attack. But God's presence was there in that moment, and I realized that He was big enough to work through my Dad any way He wanted to. If my Dad wasn't going to do the thorough vetting process I had counted on and be my faithful guardian through this relationship, God was big enough to work through that.
It was ok for my Dad to work totally different than the Dad's in all the courtship stories at Knoxville (and everywhere else)! Because ultimately it was God who held my heart. And God was allowed to work in my life, and in my Dad, however He saw fit.
We were a few months into our (fairly traumatic) relationship when STEP rolled around. Even with all God was teaching me, it was a rough road after all the expectations that had been set up for me over the years.
At the end of my talk, I stepped down from my picnic table platform and was immediately grabbed by the director, who deeply thanked me for sharing and the impact I'd had on the girls. I didn't really understand what she meant until I turned around and there was at least a dozen tear stained faces waiting to talk to me, and more crying girls beyond.
It was mind blowing to see, just in a group of...60, 80, 100? I don't even know how many were there now - but so many young women were hurting deeply because of this seriously flawed teaching by so many well meaning fundamentalists.
Even Bill Gothard eventually changed his tune on this teaching after years of feedback that it was a total disaster. http://nogreaterjoy.org/articles/response-from-bill-gothard/
(you have to scroll down a bit to get to the "Should Daughters Give Their Hearts to Their Dads?" section)
This is exactly what happened in my life! I was racking my mind recently to try to remember the "form" or something that I so excitedly showed my father, 20 years ago, and "got him" to read and sign. I had just come from a Gothard seminar and was so relieved to find "God's way" to make such an important decision in my life. My dad read, he signed, and handed it back to me without offering the slightest bit of helpful advice or instruction. Complete silence. It meant nothing at all; and I FELT like nothing at all, since apparently he was apathetic about whether I married or not. I can see how signing the form would be meaningful in a healthy father-daughter relationship, but ours was empty and meaningless. Eventually he "approved" my marrying someone who is abusive to me, to this day.
Are you still in an abusive marriage, J? If so, please take steps to protect yourself (and your children, if you have some)!
I am taking steps now. Thank you for asking. Leslie Vernick's book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is a huge help.
When I left home/ATI, I smuggled my courtship book with me, and later destroyed it. Like heck was I going to let that thing be used against me!
@J.: I'm sorry for the mess you're experiencing and wish only the best for you. Know that you don't have to please others, do what's best for you. Take care.
Ma'am, as a police officer let me tell you that no man has a right to abuse you, no matter what your faith structure is. Please, avail yourself of proper legal assistance. Most States here in the US (provided you live here) have domestic violence laws that are pretty clear cut and are strictly enforced. We, the L.E. community, are here to help. I have locked up alleged "Christians" over the years for spousal assault. Nobody is above the law. Romans 13 is in the Bible for a reason.
Sincerest hopes you can find peace and relief from your situation.
Thank you
And Brandy -- yes my dad was an engineer also and could not/would not COMMUNICATE with us. He is a kind man but totally passive; and, I'm sure, struggles with his own demons and insecurities like we all do. Still, I had left the seminar with a victorious promise from Bill Gothard that by using his method, my heart would be safe and secure. My heart has been ripped to shreds many, many times.