I first encountered Bill Gothard in the fall of 1957 when I was a sophomore at Wheaton College. He had just graduated that year and was enrolled in their graduate program. Bill was organizing college students who were willing to be Bible study leaders one evening a week under the auspices of a program working in various Chicago-area public high schools. Actually, Bill was writing his master’s thesis in this area, so I guess we were acting as free academic assistants, getting data for him on how such youth groups panned out.
The proposed leaders were taken away for a weekend retreat to prepare us for our roles. I remember the pressure put on me to cram one more event into an overly crowded agenda that had me up into the wee hours most nights, studying to keep up with a 21-semester-hours class load.
Since service to ministry was always uppermost in my missionary family, it seemed appropriate to agree to be a Bible study leader at least for a year. I remember Bill leading the retreat in a navy suit and tie and being rather uptight, albeit charismatic and persuasive in convincing us to sign on. I didn’t sign up for a second year.
The next I heard of Bill was in the early ’70s in Brazil, where I was now a missionary. Each year the Missionary Association Fellowship that helped with visas, travel, and general encouragement held a pan-mission conference. That year they invited Larry Coy to present a Basic Youth Conflicts seminar, which apparently was the current rage in the U.S.
Larry had been my classmate at Wheaton, and when we chatted, I told him I’d worked with Bill Gothard as a sophomore. Larry mentioned that he not only was Bill’s associate but was also writing the workbook to go with the advanced course of their program. Like Bill, Larry was a great salesperson, and I took the message to heart.
My husband and I had been in Brazil since 1962. Shortly after arriving, and two days after I turned 24, we adopted eight Brazilian orphans (ages almost 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9 years old) when their orphanage closed. Within ten years, we added two of our own to the family, so the children then ranged from 7 to 19, and we were facing a new reality of dealing with teenagers and school.
Beyond the normal challenges, my (now-ex) husband had sexual relations with my oldest Brazilian daughter over the course of her early teen years. He also had a nasty temper that he took out on me as physical abuse, for which he always apologized, quoting 1 John 1:9 for good measure: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I was firmly convinced by my fundamentalist world that there was no other option than to stick it out and forgive this “cleansed” spouse and try to forget the betrayal.
Larry Coy’s message reinforced this conviction, and I returned home to the kids, convinced that if we stuck to God’s immutable principles, all would be right – and ours would be added to all those success stories they kept talking about in the seminar.
We decided that my husband would be “in charge” of the four boys and I would be “in charge” of the six girls. I kept forgiving everyone around me and “rejoicing” in everything. I also remained silent when I thought he was being too harsh on the boys because he was in the direct line of God’s authority. I did say things like, “Don’t you think you should apologize to Graciano for losing your temper?” To which I would hear a disgusted, “No!”
I was heartbroken but not overly surprised after one of my husband’s vicious attacks on Graciano, 14, when he ran away to find his Brazilian family. I didn’t see him for another 20 years, so I mourned losing this bright child, our youngest son whom I’d raised from the age of four, and who was totally fluent in English. Within a few months, two of the older boys had gone off to find their fortunes after bearing the brunt of my husband’s rage. But still I persisted in “obeying God’s immutable laws” per Gothard’s interpretation.
Over the next couple of years, it felt like all the effort I had spent nurturing and raising these eight Brazilian children was coming to naught. Then a missionary friend whom I had not seen for quite a while came to visit, totally upset. She had just come back from a long mission trip where a young man in their group committed suicide. She had a seminary degree, and she was sure that with her experience she could have helped him, but she was discounted. Our mission world told her she needed to be “in submission” to the male authorities around her, and that they did not have to listen to a woman. They insisted she have nothing to do with that young man—not even pray for him, because she was rebelling against authority.
We sat for hours and told each other the stories of what had happened to us in the interval we had been apart. Finally, at about 2am, I looked at her and said, “I think, Barbara, they’ve sold us the Brooklyn Bridge! They keep telling us about all these wonderful success stories for those who obey the rules, but here are a couple real failure stories to add to their litany!”
I had been silent while three of my sons were forced from our family by the vile temper of my husband. And she had stood obediently silent until a lovely young man committed suicide, for the sake of the “male hierarchy” in her mission group.
Once you open the window, you can never erase the view from your memory. Thinking back to the last time I had seen Larry Coy, I had been totally flummoxed by a shocking story. I had kept trying to ignore the story: In one of our times together as “old Wheaton buddies,” Larry told me he had been offered a good position with Jerry Falwell. Bill Gothard, however, was not only upset by Larry’s contemplated leaving of Bill’s ministry, but was telling him he had no “right” to use the material Larry had developed while working with Bill. He had just been a “paid writer.”
When Larry took umbrage and said it was his own creative work, Bill said he would sue Larry to make him stop using his (Larry’s) own words. But I kept wondering, how could Bill go against every principle he had espoused with such authority? During the seminars, they repeatedly emphasized the “principle” that Christians could NEVER take another Christian to court because it was an un-Christ-like stance. Yet Bill wanted to sue Larry. What gave?
Then came the rumors that Bill’s brother was sexually harassing women in their office. At that point, I decided I was dropping all pretense at bowing to that kind of “authority.” Although it took a couple of years to gain exit velocity, I did manage to leave Brazil and get out of Dodge City, by the skin of my teeth. Everyone in my mission world blamed me for not being submissive. Apparently I should have turned the other cheek and ignored my husband’s unfaithfulness, his physical abuse and his foul temper. When I didn’t, I became a persona non grata to my mission community.
But not to God, who opened the doors and led me out of that wilderness into a new life full of adventure and travel and a new ministry.
So recently, when it looked like Bill Gothard had finally fallen on his own petard, I was not surprised. If he would have listened to me 40 years ago, this former research assistant of his could have told him his so-called immutable principles were nothing but bunk—being used by a male-dominated church trying desperately to keep women blind and in bondage. His harsh teachings were certainly not going to prepare anyone for life in heaven, where there will be no more tears, nor crying, nor mourning, nor pain.
What were we thinking to allow such poppycock to be stuffed down our throats?
I guess we weren’t thinking. We were brainwashed.
–Faith Annette Sand, March 13, 2014, Pasadena, California
Faith graduated from Wheaton College in 1960 and later earned her Master's from Fuller Theological Seminary in Missiology (now called Cross-Cultural Studies). She was the editor of "Missiology," the quarterly run by the American Association of Missiology, for 5 years. For the past 30 years, Faith has run Hope Publishing House and has produced over 100 titles for the faith community. She is marred to Rev. Albert Cohen, director of the So. Calif. Ecumenical Council. She was a missionary in Brazil for 15 years, where she adopted 8 Brazilian children when she was 24 and then had 2 more of her own. Faith has traveled extensively in over 60 countries and has children living on four continents.
Photo ©Alex Postovski irisphoto18 / 123RF Stock Photo
August 21, 2020
Faith,
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that you were eventually able to reconnect with your sons and restore the relationships.
Thank God you finally saw the truth before all was destroyed. I have been thinking lately of the difference in the fruits of the two views; the hierarchical point of view ( euphemistically known as "complementarianism") and the egalitarian view. There were so many promises made of the wonderful fruit that our being in submission to our husbands would bring, but the testimonies of extreme abuse abound. What could go wrong in an egalitarian relationship?
Thank you, Faith. It takes such courage to write openly and honestly like you have done. these are the kinds of truths that set us free. My heart leapt as you told of how you and the other missionary woman "saw the light"! I have been there. All thanks to God. May your ministry to others be the hands of God extended.
Faith, when I read articles like yours one question always pops into my mind, "Why are men frightened of strong women?"
Thank you for sharing not only your sufferings, but also your triumph in Christ Jesus that gave you the freedom to become a stronger woman.
Faith,
I understand & rejoice with you about the issues you were able to see & overcome. However, based on the information in your article, there is an issue I don't think you are seeing clearly. Or maybe not defining correctly in this article.
Instead of your husband being "unfaithful" to you by having "sexual relations" with your "oldest Brazilian daughter over the course of her early teen years" I believe your daughter was a victim of sexual abuse by your husband.
You mention your sons leaving your home after being victimized by his brutality but you don't mention what happened to your daughter after being sexually abused by this man who was in a position of trust & authority in her life as well.
I hope she was treated as another of his victims & given the help & protection she needed to heal & recover from the harm done to her.
I mean no disrespect or to dilute the courage it took to come out of this type of abusive marriage & life. However, after reading the article this is what stands out to me.
A minor child can never be considered a participating sexual partner with an older person in a position of authority.
Adoptive or biological, he was her father. I think what he did was much worse than be an unfaithful husband. He sexually victimized your daughter over the course of several years. That's not just sin but a crime.
Faith, thank you for that. I just shared with a friend who needs to hear. It took me a few years longer to leave my scary husband because of these teachings too.
And for real? You live in Pasadena? We are neighbors.
This sermon by Tony Evans was very helpful to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbaQAsdoq84
I think part of the problem is the Scripture itself. My reading of Scripture is that leaving a painful situation is the exception not the rule. We are told that slaves were stay under unreasonable masters. Wives are stay with unbelieving disobedient husbands. Does this mean that there are times to leave these situations? Yes, but that is the exception. Instead we are told to be thankful in and for all things and rejoice in our trials. Is that seem crazy? Yes. God tells us that suffering is part of the Christian life. That is God's word.
"My reading of Scripture is that leaving a painful situation is the exception not the rule. We are told that slaves were stay under unreasonable masters."
scripture also needs to be read in the light of the times it was written in---slavery in ancient Rome was different from the slavery of US 1860's in that Roman slavery was more like a career/job/way of survival today. People depended on slavery for their livelihoods. Slaves were not just black. Yes- masters could be cruel, but in that time leaders were often publicly assassinated so another could get ahead. Blood sports were entertainment. The mind set of the world in Paul's day is akin to the mindset of the moslem world today where they think nothing of cutting off a thief's hand or killing a woman for showing too much skin.
Today in our modern world, the law of the land is to report child abuse, even if it suspected. A Christian wife should not have to stay in a situation where she or her kids are in danger. There is suffering (putting up with an unsaved man who may drink, cuss, etc, but does not harm his kids) and there is stupidity. God gave us brains and women's shelters.
dang---I gotta learn to proof...take out the word "today" after the word "survival"---it does not belong!
So to continue in that same train of thought...where legalism gets us so messed up- we read a scripture and take it literally without researching it first...case in point, quiverful families live under the verse about a full quiver coupled along with the verse about God opening and closing the womb and take it that it means absolutely no birth control and have all the children you can. Back in those days when the scripture was penned, the cultural norm was communal with more than one wife in a household to have the children and share the home duties. A full quiver was 7-8 arrows and the verse was really talking about raising "sons" for a personal home army as the culture of the day was very much about defending your lands, cattle, sheep from invaders and men were needed to do that.
"Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity." (1 Cor. 7:21)
"To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband. BUT IF SHE DOES, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband, and the husband should not divorce his wife." (Emphasis added.)
It seems clear here that allowances were made for circumstances in which a wife would need to separate from her husband.
Lori, you and I read the same Bible! = )
Her husband committed adultery. She can divorce.
Even if her husband didn't commit adultery she can divorce.
Thank you Lori! My wife and I were split up several times over a course of a few years b/c of my emotional abuse and lack of interest in our family situation. This is the exact verse that a very Godly counselor used when we were struggling with the thought that we were sinning by being apart (we were still being faithful to each other). Being apart is what I needed to finally bring me around. Yes, I grew up in a family with billy's influence.......
Faith, thank you so very much for sharing your testimony with RG. You (and some of your children) were victims of not only a "disobedient" husband/father, but were more importantly, victims of a horribly ABUSIVE man. Although many of us are called to sacrifice for the cause of Christ, our most gracious God never expects his children to remain in abusive situations. Thankfully you were eventually able to get escape from the abuse.
You absolutely had grounds for divorce if he raped your daughter and I agree that nothing much more was said about your daughter getting the help she needed. Only the boys trauma seems to be utmost important. This could be due to the hierarchy belief that still lingers. Over the past couple of years God has led me out of that thinking.
Thank you, Faith, for sharing your story.
I, like the others, am curious as to what happened with your daughter after the sexual abuse by her father.
I am from Brasil, born and raised, and used the ATI curriculum for six years. I am grateful that we were not in the USA and therefore didn't get very involved in the program and participate in much more than some seminars. That doesn't mean we weren't influenced by the whole authority and patriarchy part of it and unfortunately I'm reaping the consequences of always trying to please man and not God.
There was a break through for me and I'm glad there has been for you. Wish we could meet someday. Deus te abencoe!
I am saddened all over again to hear about how much selfish abuse happened under the "umbrella of authority." I was shocked by the first stories I heard, but now, as more stories come out, I am wondering if such behavior was the exception or the rule.
I am sorry for what you and your children endured from a self-indulgent man who used Scripture as a cloak for sin. I am sorry for all 10 of your children, those adopted and those you call "your own," that they were raised by a man who was sexually, physically, and verbally abusive. Surely the system Bill Gothard instituted bears part of the blame for promoting such defective 'theology.'
However, I have to say that something about your recounting of your story really disturbs me, and I can't let it pass without comment.
You describe your ex-husband's behavior toward your daughter as "sexual relations," "betrayal," and "my husband’s unfaithfulness." It might have seemed so at the time under what many of us were taught then, especially if your daughter's previous background led to confused and troubling behaviors on her part, but NO, whatever happened was not a mutual 'affair.' That was sexual molestation, rape, and incest. She was his legal daughter. He was her authority figure with a violent temper, and she was too young and vulnerable to either refuse or to give lawful consent. (No matter her degree of participation, she was a child victim and not morally or legally responsible.) He should have been charged with criminal sexual abuse, rape, incest, sexual exploitation of a minor, all kinds of crimes. Your daughter's life was devastated by a predatory sex offender who should have gone to prison for his crimes against his family.
Sorry, but that's how I see it.
I'm surprised by many of the comments on here. Faith wrote a short post about BG's authority teachings...about how she went into bondage and snapped out of it. If she wanted to write a Bible study about divorce, she probably could, but that wasn't the point.
It reads to me like her husband's abuse of her daughter was a sexual immorality, not viewed by her as related to the authority teaching. Then she went to the seminar, and years passed between events she relates. Her husband's sin against the sons she saw as related to abuse of authority...and chatting with her friend helped her come to her senses.
Her story is about the false teaching and teachers. From Gothard's earliest days in ministry. Lots of nuggets of interest. Does anyone know more about Larry Coy, and that lawsuit?
Jay, I would say Faith's submitting to ("forgiving") her husband's sexual abuse of their daughter is directly related to the false teachings on authority, though, and she does address that. I agree with other commenters, though, that her failure to explicitly acknowledge her husband's sin of infidelity as also the criminal sexual abuse of their minor daughter is rather disturbing. If he didn't do any prison time for this, that is also disturbing.
Christian hucksters have been using "the Bible" to prop up their bogus "authority" and justify all sorts of abusive behavior (including horrendous tortures and deaths) for the past 1900+ years. In my experience the only real escape is to stop parsing the Scriptures and abandon the whole kit and caboodle. I this years ago and have never been freer mentally and emotionally.
There are 1000's of dear people whose lives have been shattered by divorce and fundamentalist teachings like those from Gothard do nothing but drive a stake in their heart. I survived that emotional holocaust and as I write am enjoying a wonderful trip abroad with my new wife of 17 years who had not married prior to me. We have a very egalitarian relationship and now that I'm free from the anger that accompanies many men committed to fundamental/evangelical Christianity, I cherish her all the more!
there are hucksters of all kinds--- used car salesmen, jackleg plumbers and electricians, etc yet I still drive a car and have electricity and running water in my house. Same thing with God and the Bible.
Congratulations on your freedom from anger. Are you condemning the Bible and Bible believing or only its parsing and compassionless legalism? I understand your pain but I don't understand your statement.
People are free to believe what they will concerning the Bible and MAN DO THEY. This is proved by the multitude of differing denominations that claim Biblical basis for their authority/existence yet in many areas castigate each other over .... (wait for it) ... you got it - how the other denominations parsed the Scriptures incorrectly. Many folks eventually jump ship to the very denomination (or sub-sect thereof) they once denounced. This is very circular and seems to me a waste of our valuable time in this earth where there are so many wonderful things to learn and explore outside of the mental/emotional shackles of dysfunctional, totalitarian religious fundamentalism.
As for hucksters, I get your point but I think the consequences are different. A bogus preacher makes promises and threats for which he can produce little-to-no real evidence (other than anecdotes and Bible verses). People base their lives around his bull and wind up spending years of their lives, huge sums of money, screwing up their kids, etc. based on false promises. This web site is certainly witness to that! I've seen some shoddy plumbers and mechanics but none that cost me a half a million dollars, 15 years of my adult life, and an advanced secular education. My former "submission" to fundamentalist Christian leaders coat me this and even more - my personal dignity which they consistently demeaned through their condemnatory preaching (while they, like Gothard, lived hypocritically).
Personally, I no longer believe it to be "the inspired, inerrant, god-breathed final word, etc." although I admit it contains some inspiring writings and interesting stories (along with a whole lot of blood, gore, and threats of judgement). If you want to know how I approach the Bible then read Bart Ehrman's books on early Christian history and Biblical criticism.
Chagrined, thank you for your clarification. I just can't get away from the implications of "if Christ be risen". Your critique of Christian sects is fair. But I find it intriguing more than discouraging that so many keep striving to understand this Book, while the pagan religions that filled the Empire 2000 years ago were washed into oblivion by people who carried the Gospel across the known world and gained only their martyrdom. Maybe if death was still the standard wage, the faith would remain pure.