When we were children, you followed Bill Gothard’s teaching about being “a light to the world” and forced your kids to wear matching clothes every time we left home. This made it difficult to develop my own identity.

When we weren’t allowed to watch television because Gothard said it was a “corrupting influence,” I didn’t have anything to discuss with my peers and I felt socially awkward. When you forbid me to spend the night at friends’ houses, I missed out on the opportunity to enjoy being a kid.

When I wasn’t allowed to go outside before 3:30pm because Child Protection Services would come “take us away”, I learned that fear should control our lives.

When I was eighteen years old and unable to go on a single date (group or otherwise) because you followed Gothard’s ideas about courtship, I was robbed of the opportunity to learn the dynamics of normal male/female relationships.

When I was forbidden from having friends unless our entire family was friends with their entire family, I learned to judge people and discriminate based on Gothard’s set of bizarre criteria.

When I was forbidden from going out on weekends past 9pm because “there are drunk drivers on the road”, the notion of fear controlling my life was again reinforced.

When I was forbidden to do anything (go to the mall, go to lunch with friends, etc.) on Sunday because it was the Lord’s Day, I learned that we can use our spoken beliefs to manipulate and control our surroundings. After watching you base every decision on what others would think of you, I learned that it doesn’t matter what you do – it only matters what people think you do.

You taught us to blindly follow any authority, demonstrating the security and comfort in never thinking for or making a decision for oneself. You showed us that following a man like Bill Gothard blindly would keep you “safe”, even though I watched your marriage and family fall apart because you would not bend from his teachings. You taught a marriage class for ten years, only to end up later filing for divorce against your husband. That taught me that marriage is great until it gets rough, then it is ok to cut and run. You also gave excellent examples of how to stretch the truth and operate in grey areas if it accomplishes a “Godly” outcome. I watched you fervently preach Biblical principles for 18 years, only to abandon them all later when things got rough. That taught me that a person’s beliefs should be wholly contingent upon the circumstances they are currently facing.

For eighteen years you taught me that family is all that matters, only to kick me out of your house on a rainy night just because I disagreed with you. In fact, I am still confused over that one; I have no idea what to think of it. You outlawed all negative talk in our house forbidding us to freely express our feelings about family members, which included us being forbidden to use curse words such as “bummer” or “darn”. That confuses me, though, because I overheard you slandering me (and my attempt to go to get an education) to your parents for over an hour while I sat listening in disbelief in the next room. Through that you taught me the importance of professing principles and talking a good line, but less important to actually walk it.

By declaring that any movie was “the work of the devil” and forbidding us to ever go to the movie theater, you taught us that doing anything fun meant having to circumvent our authority figures.

You thought that homeschooling your family would “keep them from the corrupting influence of the world”, but what you didn’t realize is that your inability to teach and your ignorance of basic scholastic fundamentals (such as algebra) would cripple every one of your children and hinder them from success in life. I have struggled in school, and my siblings have had self esteem issues directly because of your failure as an educator and Bill Gothard’s inane ideas on what to teach.

At seventeen, I realized something was wrong, and moved out to find my own way. Imagine my surprise when I realized that every single lesson I learned at home was wrong. I had to spend the next three years re-learning the basic principles of life. I have you to thank for my current 80-100 book collection on how to live successfully. I have studied and re-studied many books, such as ones titled “Integrity” and “The Leadership Challenge”, which completely contradict and challenge everything you ever taught me growing up.

Both you and Dad share equal responsibility for the ways our childhood shaped us. You both have what is referred to as an “equal undivided interest”, meaning that you really cannot separate one person’s actions from the team. What really matters is what has happened since you both separated, allowing neither one to dodge the blame.

Since you have had 100% responsibility of my siblings, they have BEEN CAUGHT:

• Doing drugs
• Committing armed bank robberies
• Stealing guns
• Selling drugs
• Stealing from retail outlets

This is not a case in isolation. Over the last 2 years, all three of my brothers have gone to jail at least once while “under your care”. My sister met a 40 year-old, unemployed tattoo artist at a gas station and moved in with him while “under your care”. She is, or was, pregnant with his child. What have you been doing?

I must also admit that I cannot understand your actions or motives. For example, consider the following: You refused to co-sign a loan that I desperately needed to finish my education, forcing me to take time off of school and almost never return. You refused to sign for my brother to have emergency brain surgery to save his life when he was in a car wreck, stating fear of financial consequences, forcing me to drive up from Waco at 100mph to sign so he could live. Wow.

When we were children you made my life a living hell holding me to impossible standards and expectations that Gothard suggested—you gave me no room for error, which by nature is only human. Now you set no standards or boundaries at all and allow your children to deal drugs and live completely unsupervised lives. When you stuck to your guns, I did not agree with you; however, now that you have swung completely the opposite way, I not only disagree with you – I have zero respect for you.

Should I blame you for all of this? Perhaps you should not be held responsible for all of your children’s actions. Perhaps you were hoodwinked by Bill Gothard and his rigid “steps to being perfect.” I have a childhood memory ingrained in my mind of you holding your face close to mine, frothing at the mouth while screaming at me that “every action a child commits reflects directly upon his parents”. I disagree with that, but based on your definition – you should be held responsible. How do you sleep at night?

I believe it is important to have a relationship with your parents. Even though my childhood experience was not perfect it has been one of my goals to maintain a relationship with both you and Dad. Unfortunately, you have demonstrated a tendency to destroy the lives of those around you; leading me to break off contact with you for some time. That was a tough decision for me, and certainly not a decision I wanted to make. However, after three separate occasions of you almost destroying me, I decided that until I graduated from college and had a firm foundation it would be best not to have myself in such a vulnerable position. Until recently, I have been looking forward to re-establishing our relationship as I work toward building a firm foundation. Your most recent actions seem hell bent on creating the most destruction possible, pushing back any possibility for a potential relationship. Please stop acting selfishly and ruining people’s lives so that someday in the future we could establish a relationship again. There are many programs available for people just like you, please get help any way possible.