When we were children, you followed Bill Gothard’s teaching about being “a light to the world” and forced your kids to wear matching clothes every time we left home. This made it difficult to develop my own identity.
When we weren’t allowed to watch television because Gothard said it was a “corrupting influence,” I didn’t have anything to discuss with my peers and I felt socially awkward. When you forbid me to spend the night at friends’ houses, I missed out on the opportunity to enjoy being a kid.
When I wasn’t allowed to go outside before 3:30pm because Child Protection Services would come “take us away”, I learned that fear should control our lives.
When I was eighteen years old and unable to go on a single date (group or otherwise) because you followed Gothard’s ideas about courtship, I was robbed of the opportunity to learn the dynamics of normal male/female relationships.
When I was forbidden from having friends unless our entire family was friends with their entire family, I learned to judge people and discriminate based on Gothard’s set of bizarre criteria.
When I was forbidden from going out on weekends past 9pm because “there are drunk drivers on the road”, the notion of fear controlling my life was again reinforced.
When I was forbidden to do anything (go to the mall, go to lunch with friends, etc.) on Sunday because it was the Lord’s Day, I learned that we can use our spoken beliefs to manipulate and control our surroundings. After watching you base every decision on what others would think of you, I learned that it doesn’t matter what you do – it only matters what people think you do.
You taught us to blindly follow any authority, demonstrating the security and comfort in never thinking for or making a decision for oneself. You showed us that following a man like Bill Gothard blindly would keep you “safe”, even though I watched your marriage and family fall apart because you would not bend from his teachings. You taught a marriage class for ten years, only to end up later filing for divorce against your husband. That taught me that marriage is great until it gets rough, then it is ok to cut and run. You also gave excellent examples of how to stretch the truth and operate in grey areas if it accomplishes a “Godly” outcome. I watched you fervently preach Biblical principles for 18 years, only to abandon them all later when things got rough. That taught me that a person’s beliefs should be wholly contingent upon the circumstances they are currently facing.
For eighteen years you taught me that family is all that matters, only to kick me out of your house on a rainy night just because I disagreed with you. In fact, I am still confused over that one; I have no idea what to think of it. You outlawed all negative talk in our house forbidding us to freely express our feelings about family members, which included us being forbidden to use curse words such as “bummer” or “darn”. That confuses me, though, because I overheard you slandering me (and my attempt to go to get an education) to your parents for over an hour while I sat listening in disbelief in the next room. Through that you taught me the importance of professing principles and talking a good line, but less important to actually walk it.
By declaring that any movie was “the work of the devil” and forbidding us to ever go to the movie theater, you taught us that doing anything fun meant having to circumvent our authority figures.
You thought that homeschooling your family would “keep them from the corrupting influence of the world”, but what you didn’t realize is that your inability to teach and your ignorance of basic scholastic fundamentals (such as algebra) would cripple every one of your children and hinder them from success in life. I have struggled in school, and my siblings have had self esteem issues directly because of your failure as an educator and Bill Gothard’s inane ideas on what to teach.
At seventeen, I realized something was wrong, and moved out to find my own way. Imagine my surprise when I realized that every single lesson I learned at home was wrong. I had to spend the next three years re-learning the basic principles of life. I have you to thank for my current 80-100 book collection on how to live successfully. I have studied and re-studied many books, such as ones titled “Integrity” and “The Leadership Challenge”, which completely contradict and challenge everything you ever taught me growing up.
Both you and Dad share equal responsibility for the ways our childhood shaped us. You both have what is referred to as an “equal undivided interest”, meaning that you really cannot separate one person’s actions from the team. What really matters is what has happened since you both separated, allowing neither one to dodge the blame.
Since you have had 100% responsibility of my siblings, they have BEEN CAUGHT:
• Doing drugs
• Committing armed bank robberies
• Stealing guns
• Selling drugs
• Stealing from retail outlets
This is not a case in isolation. Over the last 2 years, all three of my brothers have gone to jail at least once while “under your care”. My sister met a 40 year-old, unemployed tattoo artist at a gas station and moved in with him while “under your care”. She is, or was, pregnant with his child. What have you been doing?
I must also admit that I cannot understand your actions or motives. For example, consider the following: You refused to co-sign a loan that I desperately needed to finish my education, forcing me to take time off of school and almost never return. You refused to sign for my brother to have emergency brain surgery to save his life when he was in a car wreck, stating fear of financial consequences, forcing me to drive up from Waco at 100mph to sign so he could live. Wow.
When we were children you made my life a living hell holding me to impossible standards and expectations that Gothard suggested—you gave me no room for error, which by nature is only human. Now you set no standards or boundaries at all and allow your children to deal drugs and live completely unsupervised lives. When you stuck to your guns, I did not agree with you; however, now that you have swung completely the opposite way, I not only disagree with you – I have zero respect for you.
Should I blame you for all of this? Perhaps you should not be held responsible for all of your children’s actions. Perhaps you were hoodwinked by Bill Gothard and his rigid “steps to being perfect.” I have a childhood memory ingrained in my mind of you holding your face close to mine, frothing at the mouth while screaming at me that “every action a child commits reflects directly upon his parents”. I disagree with that, but based on your definition – you should be held responsible. How do you sleep at night?
I believe it is important to have a relationship with your parents. Even though my childhood experience was not perfect it has been one of my goals to maintain a relationship with both you and Dad. Unfortunately, you have demonstrated a tendency to destroy the lives of those around you; leading me to break off contact with you for some time. That was a tough decision for me, and certainly not a decision I wanted to make. However, after three separate occasions of you almost destroying me, I decided that until I graduated from college and had a firm foundation it would be best not to have myself in such a vulnerable position. Until recently, I have been looking forward to re-establishing our relationship as I work toward building a firm foundation. Your most recent actions seem hell bent on creating the most destruction possible, pushing back any possibility for a potential relationship. Please stop acting selfishly and ruining people’s lives so that someday in the future we could establish a relationship again. There are many programs available for people just like you, please get help any way possible.
August 21, 2020
I got to say this was a tough read. It has brought back a lot of sad memories of the some of the same ridiculous stuff that I said to my kids growing up and the damage that it has caused them. I am truly sorry for how things have turned out in your family. It's obvious your heart is broken because of all that you have had to endure. I just prayed for you and your family.
May God do a miracle and bring restoration to all.
Tammy, nothing would do my heart better than to know that you have communicated to your children that you are aware of their hurts. May many former ATI parents be as humble and precious as you are today.=) God bless you!!!
Donna, Thank you for your kind words.
It's with a humble and grateful heart that I can tell you that I have apologized to my children for bringing them up in the legalistic teachings of ATI. God has brought healing and restoration to each of us. In spite of my failures as a parent, I am thankful that I have a good relationship with each of my kids. God truly is good! I am living proof of how God can take something awful and turn it around and make something good out of it.
I'm guessing that there are many parents who will read this letter and wonder "Did my child write this?" Definitely there were components of this author's experience that mirrored my own childhood & parent-child relationship.
My heart goes out to you and to all the others who have gone through things like this. As a teen and young adult I hit the depths of hopelessness and despair at not being able to live up to many of the same unattainable standards expected of me.
I lived out of a fear and guilt, though I was trying to live with all the best motives...
After spending years trying to have a good relationship with my father, I saw that the tension wasn't for lack of good intent on my part. My father took these teachings so closely to heart that he destroyed all relationships around him and I can't be around him anymore either :(
I hope that one day there is restoration in relationships - for you, for me, for all who have dealt with the twisted-beyond-belief life we separately shared.
It makes me sad not to have him in my life, but I now feel free as a christian to be the woman God created me to be rather than merely a dictated image to the world.
Tammy,
I agree with Donna, it's beautiful to see how God has worked, to see the care and humility you and Barry have had for your kids in all of this. I am thankful to my parents for this also. God bless you!
Thank you Joseph for you kind and encouraging words. So glad to hear this about your family too.
Very sad. When I was homeschooled, alot of families in our homeschool group had these habits, and I never understood it. I didn't know this was from some dude named Bill Gothard. My parents generally didn't follow the same legalism (but kept a few things, like dating bans!), but I am sorry for those who did.
Hello,
I am not personally a victim of ATI and Bill Gothard, but I am a homeschooled student, so I do see this going on everyday in the homeschool community. My boyfriend was/is a victim of ATI and his parents abusive "umbrella of authority". Even though he has been out from under them for almost two years, his parents refuse to stop their complete whacked out behavior towards him and others. I've dealt with this family, and it has been a very hard battle and unfortunately, they don't see any problem with their evil, corrupt, and hypocritcal ways.
I pray that someday they will see the Truth. However, right now, they are completely blinded (they've been in ATI for 20 years). As each of their 12 kids continue jumping ship, they might possibly get a clue.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this posting. Hopefully his parents will be able to really absorb this Truth and not count everyone who leaves ATI as a "dissenter" of the ATI so-called-"ministry".One day I hope to see this family completely restored in the freedom in Christ with the TRUE joy of the Lord.
May God bless you and your ministry! We are also trying to start a ministry reaching to ATI-Bill Gothard-IBLP victims. We have already "saved" one family from joining and sending their son off to ALERT, they were so thankful we shared with them the truth!
Kelsey, Thank you for your sweet ministry!!! This was so good for me to read tonight!!! Please share RecoveringGrace.org with your boyfriend so that he can be encouraged. I would especially suggest our article at https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/08/breaking-free/. Also, I would like to encourage you to share this online ministry with the family you referred to who considered ALERT. Thank you for your kind encouragement and for your fantastic testimony.
is Alert still part of the Gothard kingdom? Have you ever heard of "Bright Lights"? Is that an ATI extension too?
Jane,
Yes, ALERT still exists and is operating out of TX. I have heard of "Bright Lights", but don't remember much about it. I think when I was at the Indianapolis training center for something, I remember meeting a young lady there who had started her own ministry at home (not at a training center) for girls and even a small newsletter/magazine. Does that sound like it describes Bright Lights? It was so long ago, I don't remember details.
Jane,
You got me curious about Bright Lights - here's their info http://www.brightlights.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=46&Itemid=54.
I think my memory was correct - I did meet the lady who started it at the ITC. As far as I know, Bright Lights is not connected to ATI, but the girl who started it was in ATI so Bright Lights most likely holds to many of the same teachings as ATI. Although who knows, by now the originators of Bright Lights may or may not still hold to ATI teachings.
Seems like Bright Lights teachings closely relate to ATI / IBLP. A look at their website shows that they teach many of the "principles" you would find familiar in IBLP, including their emphasis on courtship:
"If you were to attend a Bright Lights meeting, what would it be like?
At each meeting the leader shares a lesson covering important topics that are essential for girls in order for them to be strong for the Lord in their youth:
Developing a Close Relationship with Parents
Gaining a Clear Conscience
Spending Time in God’s Word Everyday
Keeping Yourself Pure from Polluting Influences
Accepting the Way God Created You
Choosing Wise Friends
Contentment, Sensitivity, Humility, Self-control, and many other practical topics"
AS each of their 12 kids continue jumping ship, they might possibly get a clue.
I'm in the same boat. They literally refuse to see that the problems are of their own making. So sad. I'd e-mail them the link to this site, but right now I think it'd do more harm than good. Waiting on my two youngest siblings to get out of the house, and out of harm's way, as it were.
Hi, I have to say I relate to A LOT of what you have said. Forming my own identity in my late teens/early twenties was tough. Also to see my parents divorce was heart breaking - it's like seeing everything you've lived for, get thrown out the window. I'm an independent, strong minded woman now but it's taken a lot of time and a lot of heartbreak. And it doesn't matter how hard you try, it pops up occasionally, even now. BUT...It's possible to be yourself and to live WELL after ATI, I'm living witness to that. Take heart, you'll get through.
WOW! I can feel the hurt come through the words written. Thank you for putting 'pen to paper' to capture in a small glimpse what you have experienced. God is God and doesn't need IBLP or ATI to show folks He is Lord. Thanks for sharing so honestly even while it still hurts.
The "letter to My Mother" made me so very sad.I was a single mother for most of my children's growing up years. We spent several years in ATI and worked in 2 training centers for 2 years.I too had some of the same rules for them but I had them before coming to ATI.
I first want to express my deepest sorrow to you and all that has happened to you and your family.
I have noticed that there was a large number of parents who would join ATI, as well as other cult like groups, because of thier lack of self discipline or lack of strong extended family ties. Most had come out of disfunctional families themselves. Realizing this consciously or unconsciously, they gravitate toward those who are only too happy to tell them how to live. This gives them hope that they are pleasing God and a feeling of belonging.I do not know Bill Gothard's initial motive for starting the movement. But I do feel that it has become a cult or cult-like, at the very least.
I do believe, like me,that most parents who join ATI want the best for thier children.
Before coming to ATI, my children and I were part of another cult-like-group and tried so hard to do everything "right" in order to please God. I had been recently divorce and had no strong extended family ties. Because of my own disfunctional upbringing, my view of God was distorted. The one truth that saved my children in all of this was that my salvaton had nothing to do with this group. I knew that my salvation came from the wonderful love and grace of Jesus. I knew Jesus and He was good all the time. I had a few years of constant studying of His word. So I came into these cult-lke-groups with a knowledge of God's word which is why I wasn't sold out completely.
But, how to raise my children in a world that was and is full of so much wickedness. I did not want my children to get involved in drugs, sex and all the sins that I had been involved in.So what do newly saved parents do?
WOW...here's Mr Gothard with 7 non-optional principles of life to apply and as time goes on more and more easy steps to change your life. A whole home-schooling way of life and then training centers to help train them to be leaders in this world. I think that I may be speaking for a lot of parents when I say that this seemed like an anwer from God for our family...protection, belonging, training, caring for the fatherless, serving, and most of all, we thought we were pleasing our God. An ideaolgy in a not so ideal world!
When we moved into the ITC we had a rude awakening. None of the reasons I joined ATI were shown to us by LEADERSHIP. I emphnsize by leadership because there were others in the train center who were wonderfull people, some of the best. One of the first questions asked by Mr. Gothard to me was, "Did I have any expensive furniture or property?" I do believe that since I had nothing when I came, they gave my children none of the training that I thought that they would offer. We did not expect to live there free. We worked and my two older ones went through Equip and served in the LIT dept in Indy., Character First in Indy and then later in OTC, and in the log cabin ministry at Elms and later when it moved to Oklahoma.I was disapointed but I knew that we had given it our all.
The end came when our family had a major family crisis. We expienced no love and understanding from leadership. I had no one to talk to and felt enslaved in OTC for almost 1 year. I was the only single mom in the place and they had meetings regularly with the other husdands of the training center. Now mind you, I had no representative at these meetings. I was told that I was the topic of discusion at one of those meetings as to what to do with me and how to discipline me for not making it to the morning devotions. No One asked me why I wasn't able to make it. This explains why out of the blue I was expected to show up downstairs and quote the weekly scripture to one of the other mothers (my peer). I tried but memorizing is not one of my strong points.I gave it my all.
Iasked for time off to deal with the crisis but was denied. I couldn't sleep, my daughter was losing it and I had to be downstairs early for the devotions after being downstairs late because a conference was going on at the time. Shortly after this I feel apart and exploded on the directer. I was asked by a church family if I would come and house sit for them while they went on vacation. I said yes and finally had time to spend with just my daughter and seeking the Lord about this whole crisis. The Lord spoke clearly and told me I needed to go home to where my support was.We left in about 2 weeks.
Ido want to add that 6 monts to 1 year later my daughter saw the director at ITC he wanted her to tell me how sorry he was and said that I was most gracious. So I have no hard feeling toward him.
We parents cause our children to suffer because we are still trying to find our way in this world. Mr Gothard changed the definition of grace and in so doing he caused many people to not expience this wonderfull gift in thier lives. As a result, we as parents, have forgotten to betow it on our own children at times. Instead, it became a works religion and no different then any other religiion.
I sure hope and pray that your parents will see where they failed and expience the wonderful grace of Jesus. I'll pray for you and them.
By God's grace and His grace alone will we make it to the end. But His grace is Sufficient!!
"But, how to raise my children in a world that was and is full of so much wickedness. I did not want my children to get involved in drugs, sex and all the sins that I had been involved in.So what do newly saved parents do?
WOW...here's Mr Gothard with 7 non-optional principles of life to apply and as time goes on more and more easy steps to change your life. A whole home-schooling way of life and then training centers to help train them to be leaders in this world. I think that I may be speaking for a lot of parents when I say that this seemed like an anwer from God for our family...protection, belonging, training, caring for the fatherless, serving, and most of all, we thought we were pleasing our God. An ideaolgy in a not so ideal world!"
...and this was the thinking of so many well-meaning parents. this is why it is so critical to get this message out, to prevent further damage, and to assist in healing. it was not out of hatred or meanness that these parents turned to ATI. it was out of love, fear, and the promise of success.
I am so thankful I have found this website. My wife's was raised under his teachings. Were just starting to sort out the pieces. This gives me so much hope.
My family was never in ATI but we attended a church with lots of ATI families--I can not think of one ATI family I know where the kids have grown up and put their own kids in ATI. Half of the young people I grew up with who were in ATI are not walking with God at all. It's so incredibly sad how true of numerous ATI families the facts in the letter are. My hear breaks for those who grew up under this condemnation and burden. Thank you for this website, please, keep it up! This message needs to get out to Christian families.