They were raised in a normal America. They had children and then, in reaction to the symptoms of societal misdeeds, they were drawn to an organization (the Institute in Basic Life Principles) that held a checklist of answers to life’s every question. (clothing, hair style, vocabulary, music, activities, toys, pets,education, culture, friendships, dating, marriage, raising children, finances, etc.) “If you do A, B, and C, the results will be success. If you fail to do A, B, and C, the results will be heartache and chaos.” And so these seeking individuals joined the Advanced Training Institute, the exotic inner-sanctum of this Institute in Basic Life Principles, subjecting their young children to the ideals, principles, teachings, and “standards” of the organization.
Now remember that we did not grow up in a normal America. We grew up in the homeschool/ATI culture chosen by our parents. And, in time, we reached an age where we “got out”. But when we finally left, we left our first culture. Remember: Normal America was our secondary culture. Therefore, recovery is going to be a process.
So let’s talk about recovery. In the beginning, I think it’s normal to feel guilty. I’m opposing the only thing I’ve known. On one hand, I’m sure that getting out is the right thing to do. But on the other hand, I feel like a rebellious child.
I watched Disney’s “Tangled” with my family recently and was struck with the number of analogies throughout the story. Here was a soul, trapped and made to believe that her captivity was in her best interest. When she finally escaped her captor, she felt liberated. But then her liberation scared her. Notice the confusing dialogue that proceeded and how spot-on that dialogue is to our confusion when we –the children of the Advanced Training Institute- realize the deception we’ve been under for so many years!
“I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I did this. I CAN’T believe I DID this! Mother would be SO furious. That's OK though,... I mean, what she doesn't know won't kill her. Oh my gosh. This would kill her. THIS IS SO FUN! I am a horrible daughter. I'm going back. I am never going back! I am a despicable human being. Woo-hoo! Best. Day. Ever!” [cries]
Not only are we afraid of being wrong, but we’re afraid of hurting the ones we love who are still involved in the system: leaders, friends, parents, pastors, relatives, God,… Yes, I included God. Because, although God has not been properly represented in this religious sect, all we know is to connect Him to it. If we have swallowed false teachings about God, and if we’ve been fed a misrepresentation of his character, (particularly throughout childhood and the teen years) then a lifelong task lays before us to get to know the real Him. A genuine, simple, sweet relationship can be developed with the true, loving Heavenly Father. At first, however, it is natural to think you might be running from Him as well as from the cult. What a terrible, terrible feeling.
The next phase many of us reach is the questioning phase. It can get pretty confusing as to what exactly needs questioned. We question the “standards” of the organization. But maybe we also question the existence of God or the truth of the Bible. Unfortunately, I’ve seen former cult members stop and plant their feet here. They’ve turned to a lifestyle opposite to their upbringing merely because it’s the opposite. The thing we need to remember is that the families who bought into the cult did so in order to be different from normal society, while hoping for promised success. I call this a pendulum swing. (See https://www.recoveringgrace.org/2011/07/religiousnoose1/ for a better understanding of how this swing began.) It is critical, though, that we guard ourselves from a pendulum swing in the opposite direction, resulting in further damage. Also, remember that a swing like this indicates that we are still being controlled by the organization …albiet, in the opposite way.
I’ve watched former Advanced Training Institute members (who are also my dear, sweet friends) become atheists, claiming that there is no God. Or, some become agnostic. Because “If there is a God, then why would He be so cruel?” To them, IBLP meant God. To them, the beatings they received to comply with the family standard was received as coming directly from Him. So, the thinking is, “Who needs God? Why would I want to voluntarily invite that kind of heartache and pain into my life?”
The physical stress that goes along with pre and post-recovery varies in form. I have friends and loved-ones who still carry literal, physical scars left by the whippings handed out under the approval of the IBLP organization. Other stress-symptoms have come in the form of frequent sickness, anxiety, nightmares, emotional problems, attachment disorders, marital problems, sexual confusion, divorce, suicide, hostility, anger, nausea, clenched teeth, or other signs of stress. The longer or deeper the person or his family has been in the group, the more painful these symptoms can be.
The final stages of successful recovery from a religious organization such as the Advanced Training Institute comes with the realization that I am precious to my Heavenly Father. It comes with taking hold of the true meaning of grace in my life and making it personal. The key is learning to lay myself out there naked to Jesus, knowing that I don’t measure up. And I never will. But get this… it’s still understanding that, to Him, I AM TO DIE FOR. I’m priceless. It’s integrating my old personality (the one who was trained to please, and to hide imperfections, and to fit a mold) into my new personality (the one who sees my Creator for all He is. The one who “gets” that grace makes everything okay. The one who is learning, day by day, to keep centered in Jesus while living in normal America. The one who rests in Him, learning to live fulfilled, growing, thriving, and loving others to Him along the way.) This is recovery. And this is what the ministry of Recovering Grace is all about.
If you find yourself stuck somewhere in that questioning phase, I’d like to ask you to take a few minutes today to get alone with God and tell Him about your confusion. He’s ready and available to push through the pain with you. And after crying out to God, please contact Recovering Grace and let us know how we can help. We have certified counselors available who know exactly what former ATI parents and students are facing today. We also have peer support on hand if all you need is a listening ear or a praying friend.
Thank you for your article, Donna. You really hit the nail on the head. The ATI recovery process is a hard road and I see it everyday in the lives of loved ones who have gone through this disastrous cult.
God will prevail.
May God bless you!
Donna, this is beautiful.
Very touching, well-written and full of truth.
It is so true that we did not grow up in normal American culture. We grew up in a totally different culture. Even when we are "home," we aren't. We don't fit in; we don't understand the jokes. We have a lot to learn.
Give it time. "Normal America" will become your home and the years of ATI will one day seem so far away. =)
Great article, Donna! It helped me a lot in later years that ATI was actually my second culture. Though most familiar with the legalistic lifestyle, I still remembered the more "normal" Christian culture we participated in before homeschooling. It gave me a reference point when I began to exit IBLP culture at age 23. I knew that we had loved God, and believed that He loved us, in both situations.
Me too, Jerusha!!! That was a huge help to me. The few years of normalcy before ATI. =)
Excellent article. I've been through each of these phases, and still sometimes repeat parts of them each time I remember something else from the false teachings of Gothard. It's a continuous process of reminding myself of God's grace in my life and reaching for the Bible to sort out what is truth and what isn't, and standing on the truth of the gospel.
i know, right?! it's a process that seems to greet me over and over and over throughout every new phase of life.
I just want to point out that some people raised in the movement move to the opposite side not because of pendulum swing but because they honestly think it's the correct one. Me, for example. I am an atheist not because it is the opposite of my parents but rather because I really don't think there is a God. Similarly, I am a social democrat not because it is the opposite of my parents political beliefs but rather because I honestly think it's the political philosophy that makes most sense.
Thank you for pointing this out. Good article, but not every person who was raised in this small-minded system and rejects religious belief is still under the control of that system. To promote this is to do an injustice to those of us who embrace critical thought and reject traditional belief in a deity.
Thank you for your honesty Libby Anne and Maria. Obviously I disagree with where you have landed, but I do understand that you have found something that makes sense to you. I wish I could argue you toward a belief in the perfect diety of Jesus Christ, but I need to leave the persuading up to God.
It was not my intent to relay that all atheists are opposing something. I was simply pointing out what I have observed in my own circle of contact. Perhaps I was too dogmatic in how I worded my thoughts?
Thanks again for joining the conversation. (((hugs)))
Hey Libby Anne,
I was just wondering if you would do me (yes a perfect stranger) a small favor? Can you watch the video, "The Case for the Creator" and then get back with me on it.
To many people, me and probably Donna as well, the idea of there not being a Creator unthinkable and so actually IS a rejection of Him.
Thanks!
Donna,
You nailed it! I particularly liked your observation about how America's culture was our 'second' culture, for indeed it was!
And yes, there is nothing in life more wonderful than finally coming, naked, flawed, and empty handed into the welcoming arms of an unconditionally loving God. I finally found in this the meaning of the word 'Father' that a rather severe upbringing and a the associated caricature of God as an impossible to please disciplinarian whose justice insisted that every sin be punished in full, and who would do so in my daily life, had entirely hidden from me.
Perhaps I should also add that in finding unconditional love and acceptance from God, this has made it much easier in rebuilding healthy relationships with my own parents. I am on one hand now free to openly (even bluntly) call the wrongs they did against me for what they were, rather than minimizing them or glossing them over to 'not rock the boat' or to earn their approval or maintain a pretend closeness, and on the other hand, I am also free to extend them unconditional love, as flawed people, in the same way that I have received it. I am free to extend to them open arms that don't demand perfection, but only ask for complete honesty, and that rejoices in any admission of a past wrong, not as some kind of 'IOU' to now be cashed, but as a part of the past on which we can now be perfectly frank (with them no longer justifying, and me able to openly grieve and leave behind) as we move past it.
"...the Advanced Training Institute, the exotic inner-sanctum of this Institute in Basic Life Principles..."
So poetically descriptive. I love it.
I would've just said "Alarmingly Bizarre 'home school' branch of IBLP." =)
Seriously, thank you for this article. Thank you for this: "This is recovery. And this is what the ministry of Recovering Grace is all about."
Amen and Amen.
Thank you so much Donna for your ministry here!! I share it with my facebook friends as well.
When I was 22 I began to really start to see that my efforts had all not only been useless (in getting me favor with God or my parents) but that they were causing me to be a person whose Christianity was lived out by my own efforts. God really had to sit me down and show me that He was my best friend and willing to help me out of my mess if I would listen to Him. Because of my great fear of the world, I wrote a list that I felt I needed as a plan. 1. I would get my own piano (since that was about the only thing I knew how to do and I already had a few students). 2. I would get my own car. and 3. I would get my own place. Each of these things happened in such an amazing way that only God could have orchestrated it. Fearful and timid, I embarked on my own and not only survived but found that most "non-ATI" Christians are really nice and were very ready to help me out.
The day I left was literally "breaking free!!!" My dad was screaming at me (I was 23) and telling me how rebellious I was and all kinds of horrible things. My mom told me to leave. I honestly don't think either of them thought I would. I think they thought it would scare me into getting back in line.
I know that many parents in ATI may mean well. But there are many who are drawn there by the devil because it looks so enticing to have that much control and manipulation over someone... even if it is there own children. That is how it was with my parents. I am quick to say though that my dad and my relationship is mending right now! I am so excited!!!! I have shown him this website and how all these years of his preaching about "grace" and how by teaching us to obey blindly he was stifling critical thinking and also, how his teachings to me about guarding your eyes and all made it very hard for me to have friendships with men- or even find my fabulous husband. He has really come around and he feels that his children have been his best teachers for life.
It is a little sad because his change came too late for his own marriage. And my mom is way out there as far as the pendulum swing. She says things now that I can't even believe (such as her dead father and son both talk to her). And she also still very much craves the manipulation and control over her adult children (they had 9- all adults now). I pray that one day her and my relationship can be restored. Its funny because I promised that there would be a day when my dad would never get to see me again. I almost hated him. And now God, in His mercy, is giving me a very sweet, gracious dad!!! It's really exciting. Too bad it took until I was 34 for it to start turning around but better late than never!!!
Keep up the awesome work! You have already helped my dad to see my own heart and I am positive we will never know how many others will begin to see the truth.
Oh, Wendy. Hugs to you!!! I also want to extend our arms to your father. Thank you for sharing this site with him. It is my guess that as parents' eyes are opened, they may experience a kind of a pain that we will never understand. It must be excruciating to realize that as a grown-up you signed up for something so full of holes. I mean... the children of ATI had no choice. But the parents bought into it as the cure for the unknown. Parents are coming to us with hearts that are broken over their choices. Please pass the word that we are offering love and help to them as well. This is not one-sided: children versus parents. No, we are all in this together.
love your writing, Donna!
comment deleted by request of its author
Jeremy,
I will copy and paste a reply I made to a comment above that was similar to yours:
"Thank you for your honesty... Obviously I disagree with where you have landed, but I do understand that you have found something that makes sense to you. I wish I could argue you toward a belief in the perfect diety of Jesus Christ, but I need to leave the persuading up to God.
It was not my intent to relay that all atheists are opposing something. I was simply pointing out what I have observed in my own circle of contact. Perhaps I was too dogmatic in how I worded my thoughts? Thanks again for joining the conversation. (((hugs)))"
Sincerely,
Donna
Hey Jeremy,
I was just wondering if you would do me (yes a perfect stranger) a small favor? Can you watch the video, "The Case for the Creator" and then get back with me on it.
To many people, me and probably Donna as well, the idea of there not being a Creator unthinkable and so actually IS a rejection of Him.
Thanks!
Jeremy, I know you are addressing Donna but thank you for your comment. I don't represent the editors or other authors of Recovering Grace; I speak for myself. I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate both your clarity and tone.
I am one of the writers on the theology team. I write with presuppositions that rely on the Christian faith. If I were writing to an inter-faith or nonreligious audience I would adopt a different approach. I think it's fair to say that Recovering Grace in general, and the theology team in specific, have a fairly sharp focus. I personally see my audience as being mostly Christian believers who are wondering about or struggling with the distinction between Gothard's system and historically orthodox Christianity. (nothing autobiographical there!) In my own experience, the Christian concept of grace as articulated by Philip Yancey and others has been "the thing." To be true to myself is to speak from a place that is centered on this grace. I understand and respect that for others, this is just more "Christianese" and it reminds of the same-old, same-old, with all the pleasantness of fingernails on a chalkboard.
I do think it is valuable to have a strong response from within Christianity against Gothardism. Followers of Gothard's system believe they are the guardians of the purest form of the Christian faith. I want to help them see, from within Christianity, that their version is missing something essential. They need not jettison Christianity in order to leave Gothardism but some of them may in fact need to jettison Gothard in order to embrace an internally consistent Christianity.
The sharp focus is not an attempt to pathologize or exclude those who don't share similar Christian presuppositions but I understand that it effectively feels that way. There are some very well-spoken folks, including you, who would write from a different perspective and perhaps to a different audience. I think they should set up shop and do so. We stand to learn from each other.
I like that the editors of Recovering Grace accept stories from a broad range. I would love to read your story. If you would be willing to make it available to the Recovering Grace readers, I for one would be grateful. Either way, your comment is a welcome addition. Hopefully you will stick around the site for the conversation.
Jeremy,
Your complaint is a common one in the former ATI community. It is the main reason I won't contribute to RG.
There is a Facebook group for non-christians called ATI Apostates and Friends.
It is a group open to former ATI students and tries to maintain a culture friendly to non-Christians.
If the RG team did not point you towards this group, I am disappointed.
Regards,
John
This is a great article, Donna. Describing "normal America" as our secondary culture is very appropriate. I was 14 when we joined ATI, but we'd been homeschooling since I was 10, so I don't remember much about life outside of being homeschooled. Even though we weren't in ATI initially my parents attended the seminars, and even at 10 I remember feeling socially awkward. Going into middle school Sunday school class at church as the only student who didn't attend one of the two local public schools was very lonely, and that of course carried over into my high school years. Even now I still have a hard time developing friendships with those who weren't part of ATI. Life is, in some ways, still very lonely. Thanks for putting this into words. It's helpful.
Jeremy, thanks for bringing this up.
We do need the reminder that there are former students that have found peace and meaning in life beyond the religion they grew up in.
However, I'm sure you know that the whole purpose of this site is to reconcile christians to a grace-centered view of their god, after having their conceptions of him skewed thanks to gothard.
One of the better-adjusted, fully recovered guys I know, an old friend of mine is a contented agnostic. He also has a real grasp on grace as something to live by.
We recently met, after 10 years or so of being quite removed geographically from one another. At some point he asked me smthg. like "do really still believe all that stuff about god and whatnot?"
I gave him the most honest answer I could - that right now, I just cannot comprehend life without God. Not that his questioning is invalid, not that he is damned - but I myself cannot personally see any other answer at this point in my life, aside from a God of grace, mercy and love.
Please don't feel like you and others like you are being attacked, even in a backhanded manner. We are all recovering and moving on in life.
Thanks again for your input. =)
Another well-articulated article. Thank you! Much of what I read on RG is identifiable not just for my experience within IBLP/ATI, but also legalistic church teaching I was influenced by in the early years of my faith journey. It's incredible to think that there is an entire movement happening nationwide amongst others, like myself, who are going through the process of shedding religious baggage in favor of developing a personal relationship with God.
While I would agree with some of the points of this article - and the quote from Tangled did totally make me laugh - I have to say, it's pretty awful that your only offered conclusion is to go to Jesus with your problems.
I grew up in an ATI home. I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused - and sent to the Log Cabin programs, signed away by my abusive parents who decided I was not good enough to be their child, held captive against my will for two years of brainwashing. I could go on and on about the abuse I suffered - but all these years later, it just seems needless anymore. What I will say is that when I emerged from being abused and brainwashed for two years, I began a long and hard journey to find myself again. Some of it went a bit like what you describe - but for me, Jesus was not the destination.
My decision to depart from Christianity was a very tough one. I decided I did not want to be an angry, hateful and bitter rejector of my former religion simply because ATI claimed to be Christian. If I was going to find my spiritual path, I was going to research it thoroughly in every way I possibly could, and if Jesus was indeed the answer I found, so be it. And so I began my research. I have spent 7-8 years researching every religion and spiritual stance I come across, including their history, myths, behaviors exhibited by followers and various sects - you name it, I've tried to understand it. I read through the Bible all over again, and examined Christianity and its claims thoroughly as well. For a time, I was an agnostic; now, I consider myself simply spiritual and anti-religion. I have come out of my spiritual journey having learned far more than just ATI or just the Bible or just Church could have taught me - I have learned spirituality in many forms, and I believe first and foremost that religious overzealousness and extremism in all its forms (not simply because of ATI, but because I found similar behaviors prevalent in many many other religions and cults) is to be avoided at all costs. I have a certain respect for all religions, and a certain measure of keeping them at arm's length - because in all of them, there are the earnest and kind followers, and there are those who take it to unhealthy levels, and to me it seemed that waxing religious in and of itself missed the point entirely of simply connecting with life and spirituality in the fullest sense. Today I am simply spiritual. What that means is irrelevant in this reply, except that I do not believe in Jesus, though I think a few of the things he is reported to have taught are wise - as much as I believe that bits of Buddhism or Wicca or Agnosticism or even Gnosticism hold softly shining truths.
The light at the end of one's tunnel, as they claw their way out of the darkness that is ATI, does not have to be Jesus. I believe the light at the end of the tunnel comes from within - where you find your inspiration becomes irrelevant (be it Jesus or anything else), and what is more important is that you find strength deep inside so that nothing can keep you down; to know that they may have put you through a veritable Hell on earth, but they can never break your spirit, and you stand now and brush your shoulders off, unchanged, still strong after all of it.
I have to be honest, however - it bothers me a lot that almost every site I've ever found that speaks out against ATI/IBLP is strictly Christian. What about the rest of us? We are treated as invalid, as those who are bitter, as those who made decisions to depart from Christianity out of fallacy, as those who swung the other direction in some kind of reckless abandon, or as some kind of emo kids walking around with a chip on our shoulder and cursing God every step of the way. Most of us who make this choice do so primarily from an intellectual standpoint - wishing to rise above simply accepting what we are told, investigating our spirituality as thoroughly as we can, and finding our own path...frequently ending up outside your religion. As one of these who is NOT Christian, I would like to say that it's ridiculous that we are pushed aside or expected to re-convert, alienated left and right not only by those we left behind still in the cult of ATI, but now even by the survivors of said cult.
As for me, I have no interest in being converted. I've found the light at the end of my dark and terrible journey - and live a happy life married to the most wise and loving man I could ever know. In the end, my own strength, and the love of a patient man who reminded me of my own strength, was what got me through.
I am so sorry for the abuse that you experienced both from your family and in the Log Cabin Program. I well remember the logo for the Log Cabins, "Hope for tomorrow." This is not what you received or experienced. Instead you experienced devastation and loss of hope. I do not understand what you went through, but I am sorry. I wish it would have been different for you and for many others. In so many situations I wish my actions as a leader there had been different. I wish I could have shown you God's love for you during your time there instead of harshness, control, judgment, etc.. I do not know who you are or the time period you were in the Log Cabin program, but I am sorry for the wrongs you may have suffered because of my leadership. I have many regrets when I think of some of the things I did and some of the suffering various students, leaders, and leadership experienced while in the Log Cabin program. You are valuable and deserved to be treated as the person of great worth who you are!
I'm glad to hear that your spirit wasn't broken, that you have persevered and made it through the dark times and are happily married! I wish you the best for your future and for your life!
Dear [Oct. 2nd] "Anonymous"
You mentioned that you've been disappointed that every anti-Gothard site tends to be "Christian". I guess I have a 2-fold response to this:
1)A team of former ATI-ers created, nominated, stewed-over, and voted on the name "Recovering Grace" for quite some time and with great intent. I personally am not interested in "bashing" a man or an organization for the mere purpose of bashing. My desire is to "out" a teacher who has painted a false picture of the Creator. My purpose is not to point a finger, shouting "he is wrong!" without providing what I have discovered to be right. You stated that "The light at the end of one's tunnel, as they claw their way out of the darkness that is ATI, does not have to be Jesus." But you see, TO ME, He *IS* the light at the end of the tunnel. To me, He has to be. And I can't pretend that Jesus is not the answer just so that everyone will feel sweet fuzzies as they read my words. I have friends who are not believers who have contributed to this organization but who also understand the site's concept of "Recovering Grace". For them, I think they tolerate RecoveringGrace.org's love for Jesus enough to still provide for us their true-life stories and background for exposing the dangers of ATI. I guess this is my [hopefully] gracious way of trying to say, "If you don't like it, either ignore us or form your own website." ~And my intent is not to sound as ugly as it reads on the screen.
2)Well, I think I already stated my second part... someone is more than welcome to start a website slamming Bill Gothard and pointing out that your true satisfaction in life can be found deep inside their own soul.
"As one of these who is NOT Christian, I would like to say that it's ridiculous that we are pushed aside or expected to re-convert, alienated left and right not only by those we left behind still in the cult of ATI, but now even by the survivors of said cult." ~That statement at the end of your comment still has me a little confused. So sorry.
Sincerely,
Donna
PS: I am deeply sorry about the terrible abuse you endured at home and with the Institute. And I am happy -and relieved- for you that you are now feeling the love and acceptance of a good man. =)
While I didn't come out ATI, I was raised in a religious organization just as legalistic; depending on "standards" and "steps" to find favor with God. My husband, children and I have come out of it in the last couple of years. The road out hasn't always been easy, and we've dealt with a lot of backlash from family. We still have a lot of questions, but God has been oh-so-gracious in leading us to some very wise people who showed us the true love of Jesus. I've spent the last day or so reading some of these posts. They resonate so deeply with me...here I thought we were alone in the world!