The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 11: Image Is Everything

We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.

Jesus talked about the false leaders who did their deeds to be noticed by people and who desired to be seated in the places of honor; Paul’s opponents in Galatians 6 desired to make “a good showing in the flesh.” In some families and religious systems there is an unspoken rule: How things look is more important than what is real. It is a danger signal when it becomes more important to look spiritual than to be spiritual. This chapter is about image-oriented leaders.

Spiritual Show
Think of a pastor or spiritual leader who is currently struggling with unhappiness in his marriage and who feels spiritually dry. If image is more important than reality, there is great pressure for that leader to stay up on the pedestal, to put on a brave happy face (note: reminds me of “ministry smile”), and to keep up the appearance that all is well.

What is the result of this? What happens to you if you are this leader? You are not getting the help you need while you labor to keep up appearances. How can you not put demands for performance on others when you are working so hard yourself? And this leads to spiritual abuse.

The Place of Honor
Jesus pointed out that the spiritual leaders of His day loved the seats of honor at important banquets and social events. Sometimes leaders are a little more subtle: they pretend not to be taking such honors — but watch out if someone else steps in to receive the honor!  Jealousy will ensue.

This does not mean that the place of honor is never right. There are times when it is right for us to honor others, and we should do so. An important truth is that honor is something to be given, not taken.

Titles and terms of respect can become very important to leaders who are insecure (and this is not limited to spiritual leaders). When it comes to spiritual leaders, if someone seems to need a title of respect, this may well be a symptom of being a false leader.

True Leaders
When Jesus said not to call anyone on earth our Father (Matthew 23:8–10), He was referring to more than simply applying a title. We have only one true Father and source of life — God himself. A leader who puts himself or herself in the place of being a source of life or authority between us and God is being a false shepherd. True shepherds lead the sheep to the Good Shepherd: “Jesus is the one who places us in certain bodies, where He knows we will grow closer to Him. And He is the One who will tell us to move on, when and if that is best for us.” (p. 136)

Look for These “Marks”
Peter gave a description of false shepherds versus true shepherds in 1 Peter 5:1–5. The authors present a list of marks based on that passage. What marks should you look for to spot an image-oriented leader?

• They operate from a false basis of authority
• They lack integrity
• They wear their spirituality on the outside
• Spirituality is a put-on performance, an image they project
• They require the recognition of people, calling it respect
• They point to themselves as the primary source of knowledge, direction, authority, and life

Personal Interaction:
This chapter about appearances reminded me of a couple of experiences at  the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) in which appearances were the priority. One in particular stands out. At Headquarters in Oak Brook, I found myself in a position of wanting to reach out to someone who was falling short of meeting appearances, but was told to pay attention to my own “career.” I was told explicitly that I needed to pay attention to appearances and should not appear to be friends with someone that would make me look bad. I asked the person who gave me this warning (a staff member who was somewhat responsible for me) if it wasn’t better to minister to people than to worry about appearances. This idea was strongly opposed and it was reiterated that if I wanted a future with the ministry, I must manage appearances. This created a very awkward situation for me: I was staying at the house of a friend of my parents, an arrangement made by my parents. The family was kind and hospitable. The son gave me rides from their house to Headquarters in his sports car. And now I was being warned to stay away from the son. What was I supposed to do? Pretend I didn’t know him? Intentionally avoid him? What sort of guest informs their host that the host is bad for appearances and must be avoided in public?

It would be hard for someone outside the system to realize how important to us students that “golden ticket” invitation to Headquarters was in those early days of the Advanced Training Institute (ATI). College was off-limits as an idolatrous “high place,” and there was no high school diploma. To choose not to keep up appearances was to commit political and career suicide. I distinctly remember staring at a fancy wood-paneled wall at Headquarters, weighing whether to minister to someone who would make me look bad at the expense of future opportunities. If I could go back and speak to my younger self in that moment, I think I might say, “Hey, Jesus was a friend of sinners while the Pharisees were white-washed tombs. Don’t settle for the white-washed tomb.”

Good Quotes

The subtle danger in a system like this is that it becomes more important to look spiritual than to be spiritual. It’s more important to look happy than it is to experience happiness. It’s more important to have a marriage that looks strong than to have one that is strong. (p. 133)

Jesus is the one who places us in certain bodies, where He knows we will grow closer to Him. And He is the One who will tell us to move on, when and if that is best for us. (p. 136)

(Click here to go on to Chapter 12)