The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 10: “You Can Trust Me”

We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.

Chapter ten continues the consideration about leaders in spiritually abusive systems with a discussion about trust. In Matthew 23, Jesus raises two problems with the religious leaders of his day: double life (Matthew 23:3) and double talk (Matthew 23:16–18).

The Double Life of False Spiritual Leaders
False spiritual leaders follow different rules than they lay on everyone else. Jesus told his followers to “do and observe” what the false spiritual leaders said but not to follow the example of their actions (Matthew 23:3). Essentially, do as they say, not as they do. This may seem surprising: why listen to a false leader at all?

Many ATI students hear “don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater” so many times that  they grow weary of hearing it. This platitude can be a tactic used by someone’s supporters to sweep problems under the rug. However, there is an important truth: even false, hypocritical leaders probably teach some things that are in line with God’s truth, even if they fail to walk what they talk. It is probably to be expected that there will be a bit of a pendulum swing when we finally realize that the false teachers are hypocrites who say one thing and do another. Some people conclude that the whole thing has been a lie — God, the Bible, Christianity, the whole thing — and they throw it all out. However, God’s Word is good, even though it has been mishandled by false teachers. It is in our own best interest not to go so far overboard that we throw out God’s Word along with the hypocrisy.

The authors make a good point that many people who end up leading a double life did not start out intending to do so. In fact, some people may have pursued being in ministry because they thought it would help them finally conquer some struggle they have had for years. However, they put themselves in a double bind when they try to turn from a sin by using behaviors that instead push them into repeating the sin.

In light of a recent news story about ultra-orthodox Jewish men using blurry goggles to prevent them from looking at women, the discussion from William Barclay seems particularly apropos. Barclay referred to a group of “bruised and bleeding” Pharisees who would wear hoods over their heads to prevent them from lusting, with the side effect of crashing into walls and down stairs.

The problem is that external controls such as these do not change the heart. Jesus said the Pharisees were washing the outside of the cup but failing to clean the inside. Colossians 2:20–23 tells us that rules like “do not touch” and “do not taste” may have an appearance of wisdom but they end up being worthless in the war against fleshly indulgence. What is needed is heart change; what is in the heart will eventually come out.

Question for discussion: This could stir some of us up, and even trigger some of us, but what is it about not throwing the baby out with the bathwater? What is the difference between a valid caution using this image and someone using it in a problematic way?

What Is Our Only Hope?
Our hope is not to put on a brave face and try harder. Just as we admitted that we could not save ourselves and asked God for his free gift which we did not earn (Ephesians 2:8–9), so we cannot sanctify ourselves. Rather than putting a lid on it and hiding it, true change calls for being humble and bringing our failures into the light, mourning them (“blessed are those who mourn”), and admitting we can’t do it on our own. God wants us to bring our fears, failures, and sins to him, in the light, so he can truly heal us. Keeping up appearances is like washing the outside of the cup only. It takes integrity and humility to address the inside.

There is a pattern described here that is worth reading. It has to do with realizing that we cannot save ourselves and we cannot sanctify ourselves. What then is our only hope? The answer appears on page 125. I point you to that page in order to save myself typing the whole thing out!

Double-Talk
In Matthew 23:16–18, Jesus condemned the Pharisees for making crooked oaths. They would swear by the Temple to leave themselves wiggle room but swear by the gold in the Temple if they really meant it. Abusive leaders will always give you the “right” answer, even if it isn’t the “real” answer. They talk a good talk and it always sounds right, but you start to get a vague sense that they are not completely on the level with you. This is double-talk.

You Can’t Seem to Ask the Question Right
Along with double-talk is the seeming inability to ask the question right in order to get a straight answer. A painfully realistic example of trying to get a straight answer is provided. It goes something like this:
“You were asked to leave the church for sexually molesting a teenager. Have you gotten counseling?”
“Yes” is the reply. “I’ve been seeing someone for several months.”
“Do they know how to address sexual issues?”
“Oh yes, they have had quite a bit of training.”
“So this person is a counselor?”
“You mean a real counselor?”
“Yes. Are they a counselor trained in sexual issues?”
“Well no, not really — it’s a pastor. But he’s read a lot of books. You know, I don’t appreciate the way you’re ‘drilling’ for answers.”

Double-talk is a temptation for all of us when we want to look good. But when we give the “right” answer that is not the “real” answer, we tell a lie.

This can create real damage. If someone relaxes and trusts you in the belief that you are safe, and then they find you have not been straight with them, they may have a very difficult time trusting others in the future.

It is not necessary for us to do this to ourselves. We do not always need to look good and give the “right” answers. It can be scary but liberating to realize that we can lay down the mask, be honest, and admit that we are sorry, or that we don’t know, or that we are tired or need help.

Personal Interaction
I find my thoughts running to issues of parenting. There is something about the combination of double-talk and “you can’t seem to ask the question right” that definitely resonated for me. I have felt that way with a few different religious leaders and was later proven right in the end. As a personal admission, I felt that way a lot as a kid with my dad. Never truly getting the straight answer, never being able to ask the question right. I think that there is an issue of power at work here. Who is in control? It shows respect to honor someone’s question with a straight answer. Perhaps that is too threatening for some who grasp power. Jesus talked about how being great in his kingdom meant being a servant, as opposed to grasping  for power. It’s not that parents should not be fully in charge as parents — they should. Now that I am a parent myself, I think our kids want the security of us being their parents, not just their buddies. But in that process of being parents, I think it is incumbent on us to model servant leadership.

Good Quotes

Trust is not something that can be demanded or legislated. It is gained or lost on the basis of integrity and honesty. (p. 121)

If your method of dealing with sin is to tighten down the lid, put on an “in control” face, and polish the outside of the cup, it may work for a while. But eventually what’s on the inside will explode to the surface. When it does, there will be casualties everywhere — especially if you’re in ministry. (p. 124)

(Click here to go on to Chapter 11)