MY FAMILY JOINED THE ADVANCED TRAINING INSTITUTE (ATI) IN 1986 when I was 13 years old. Drinking in the false definition of grace brought me to the belief that to maintain favor with God, I needed to live by a particular set of “standards.” As with many other Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) teachings, Bill Gothard bends “grace,” leading people back to a set of rules, resulting in followers who feel stuck in this self-defeating cycle: Get grace to keep the law in order to earn more grace to keep law so that you can earn more grace in order to keep from sin,… It’s only been in recent years that I’ve been re-learning about my generous Heavenly Father Who longs to throw His grace at me –free of charge. And this grace, unmerited and unearned, continues to grow in us, changing us, transforming our lives. THIS is the cycle of grace. Unaltered, undefined, UNMERITED, unearned, FREE grace! For years, I neglected to see God as a loving Father because I was consumed with wondering if I’d failed Him. Rather than learning to understand the heart of our Father (as in other relationships) we were taught to live a separated and sanctified life through numbered, step by step principles. At the age of 23 (1996) I began taking baby steps in questioning the validity of this teaching. As time went by, I realized more and more the many fallacies that had been shaping my understanding of God. To gain a sampling of how I used to think, read this passage from Ephesians 2 from my prior perspective: “For by ‘the desire and the power to do God’s will’ you have been saved through faith,…” Now read it from my present-day perspective (and the teaching true to the text): “For by ‘unmerited favor’ you have been saved through faith,…” (and the passage continues with “… and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.”) In my mind, salvation had become a matter of behavior rather than simply God’s free gift. Up to that point, my understanding of sanctification was based upon a list of standards that could promote me to God’s favor rather than what GOD had already done for me. This philosophy led me to a place of disillusionment, frustration, and almost a feeling of spiritual death.
IMAGINE LIVING ON STILTS day after day in order to reach favor with God. When the stilts became wobbly, I feared God’s discipline or disappointment in me. When the stilts were stable and progressively getting taller (i.e. higher and higher standards), I became comfortable in my relationship with God while looking down at the others around me who had not yet figured out how to reach this high. I learned to depend on the stability of my tall, impressive stilts rather than naked trust on the simple favor of a Heavenly Father.
I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME with a heart that was heavy, weary and rule-burdened under the weight of pleasing Him. Only recently has it occurred to me that God is not the kind of Father who lays down a list of moral demands. This changed me from feeling like a slave of the law, fearing the wrath of a ruthless Judge because I may have missed a rule or two to recognizing that I’m a sanctified, free child of God.
THESE PAST 15 YEARS, my understanding of God has been progressing slowly. This year however, I’ve found myself aggressively attacking the lies I’d previously bought into in order to gain healing and to grow my relationship with God. I’ve read, researched, and studied everything I can get my hands on in order to understand what grace really is and how the truth of it can transform my perception of sanctification and purpose.
THEN CAME LAST MONTH. A sensation of conflict began to hover over me like an oppressive cloud. A reoccurring burden of guilt that I had worked for years to either forget or make up for has reared its ugly head at me as though it were all new again. This weight is over an incident that happened over 14 years ago. Someone I love was hurt -possibly damaged for life- because I made a wrong decision. I can give a thousand excuses as to why it ultimately wasn’t my fault, but the fact remains… I was guilty. I’ve done my best to “make it right” and I have continually tried to figure out how to erase the painful memories and to make up for what happened. For years, I’d been building my personal Tower of Babel (Genesis 11) to reach that place where I can FEEL better and the weight of guilt can be lifted from me. But my recent plunge into focusing on grace has kind-of opened my entire life, clear and barefaced before me. It took me back to that old dark place of regret all over again. It’s almost like a deep cut that had almost scarred over. But now that I am faced with the truth of grace, the scab has been peeled off –along with a whole additional layer of skin. And it hurts. My heart was physically hurting! I was faced with the final realization that I have to quit building this tower to that place of FEELING better and trying, trying, TRYING to make it right. And when I say “make it right”, I don’t mean apologize. I already did that. I mean,… reverse time almost. Make it as though it never happened.
IT TOOK ME A FEW DAYS of wrangling with these nasty feelings of guilt and discouragement, as well as a good conversation with my husband, to finally occurr to me that I spent all these years trying to make up for or erase this terrible thing, the awful memory of who I once was and the devastating choices I made… but God has already erased it! HE made it as though it never happened. I’ve been hanging on to this thing, unable to acknowledge that God is bigger. He is larger than anything I have done. His grace is all-sufficient. And the more I try to make penance for my guilt, the guiltier I will feel because there is no way my stilts will ever be that tall! I can build and build and work and work and try and try but I will never get my tower tall enough to reach a not-guilty verdict. Like my years in ATI, I had taken my eyes off God and His grace and placed it on myself and my little hamster wheel of spinning round and round but staying in the same guilt-filled rut. Deep down somewhere I was fighting this tiny thought in the back of my mind that whispers, “God’s well of grace SURELY must have a bottom to it. If we cash in too many checks, sooner or later, one is going to bounce, right?” WRONG. This is why the proper meaning of grace has severe importance to me. If can just wrap my brain around it and consistently cling to its purpose!!! It’s my lifeline. It’s the thing that diminishes my need for stilts. No tower required to reach a place of peace. No hamster wheel of wasted guilt. Just pure and simple grace. “And if by grace, it is not of works, otherwise grace is no more of grace.” Romans 11:6. Thank you, Jesus.
July 31, 2024
Wow, great article. Thanks so much for sharing, Donna. I can SO relate to what you said about trying so hard to maintain the "standards" as a way of trying to please God. I love your stilts metaphor. Understanding what Grace REALLY TRULY IS, is so freeing. Without Grace (unearned favor), then Christianity is just another religion, full of lists of "do" and "don't". With God's grace, Christianity is completely different... it is a living relationship with our loving Savior who gave Himself for us!
Donna, Thank you for sharing your story. It touched my heart. As a parent who raised her kids under Bill's false teachings, I have wanted many times to be able to go back and erase the past and have "do-overs." I know God has forgiven me of all my sins (past, present & future.) Even my kids have forgiven me for the mistakes I have made, but the one thing that I had yet to do until recently was forgive myself. I believe God wants to use our failures for His glory and He already is. Thanks for again for sharing.
Tammy, you just totally blessed my heart! It's hard to completely rest (and trust) in God's arms of grace, isn't it? (((hugs)))
Beautifully written of the healing He has done in you! Thank you for sharing a piece of your journey.
Thanks, Donna. I'm not as far along on the exact same journey. Your article encouraged me immensely.
Ryan, I'm glad to have a friend like you on this same road trip to discovering grac!!! =)
Donna, I am on the very front-end of this journey, so your story hits a tender place. I very much want to love & view others - and myself - in the way that Jesus does. If I could change my heart in a snap, I would. But it's the painful journey of healing & growing that IS the transforming work toward understanding grace.
It's not easy, and it is painful. But it sure is rewarding. Many hugs, Sarah.
"Like" ;)
Beautiful, Donna. I'm moved by your courage and honesty. I read the other day that we usually don't really want grace, because grace is when we don't deserve it. We would like to earn it, at least just a little! Letting God pour his grace into the yucky parts that we would rather avoid... that's good stuff.
Thanks, Donna. We all need to hear that what you describe is not smthg. that was confined only to our own personal experience in ATIA/IBLP...
"Our righteousness is in HIM, and our hope depends, not upon the exercise of grace in US, but upon the fullness of grace and love in HIM, and upon HIS obedience unto death."
(John Newton)
Will, I remember you from my personal blog!!! =) So good to see you around our Recovering Grace site as well.
Donna,
I'm so glad to hear the work God has been doing in your life and the deep healing that comes from learning His grace.
You wrote "Like my years in ATI, I had taken my eyes off God and His grace and placed it on myself and my little hamster wheel of spinning round and round but staying in the same guilt-filled rut." We are most likely to build ourselves a religion when we take our eyes off of HIM and spend too long at our desk, scrutinizing some doctrine or law or trying to fix a problem in ourselves. He is always the answer, is He not? May we truly realize that. There is a verse in II Chronicles 20:12 where King Jehoshaphat is coming before the Lord because hordes of warriors from multiple strong enemies are coming against Israel. He ends with "Nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You." As I look back on events and choices, struggles and trials, and yes, guilt and shame, my perspective has always been most in focus when my eyes were on Him.
May I recommend a book? For those who would like to understand grace especially, but for anyone who would like to see the simple truth of the gospel without the extra "stuff" we tend to add on, I recommend reading "The Naked Gospel," by Andrew Farley. I was first introduced to it by a friend who had long been bound by Bill Gothard teaching. This book opened her eyes to the stilts and towers she had spent so many years with. WARNING: This book may shake you up a bit, but it is well worth it. Feel free to dig into the word and read Romans and Galatians alongside, since many of you have probably gotten to the point where you don't want to take one man's word for it anymore. It might look a little radical, and it is, but only in the best "eyes on Christ alone" sort of way.
Sarah, thanks so much for the book referal. I will definitely be checking it out. =)
Naked Gospel is great for folks coming from gothardite backgrounds. Just keep in mind he may take things to an extreme. =) It's always good to stretch your own understanding of biblical concepts. Also recently read Mere Churchianity by Michael Spencer and greatly enjoyed it.
Thx, Will!
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