Courtship. It’s a buzzword for people, not just in ATI, but in several conservative Christian groups. Bill Gothard defines courtship: “Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents. The purpose of courtship is to determine a couple’s readiness for marriage and to discern the will of God for a covenant marriage that will benefit the world.” A major motivation behind courtship as opposed to dating is the protection of emotions for those involved. Bill Gothard outlines 7 Foundational Principles of Courtship on his website. (www.billgothard.com/teaching/courtship)
My parents followed the teachings of ATI/IBLP. When I turned 16 years old, they informed me that I would not be allowed to date. Instead, I would wait until the time was right, and then they would help to guide me to the right spouse through the courtship process. This is my story.
It all started on a summer mission trip when I was 17. I had a great time ministering to people and felt like I was on a spiritual high. And I met Josh. Tall, good looking in such a boyish way and hysterical to converse with, I was struck immediately. By the end of our mission trip, I knew that his feelings for me were similar, and it was sad to say good-bye. He left me with a song by the Christian group Nouveaux “Across the miles I think of you, and I say a prayer when each day’s through that God will bless you. And across the miles you’re on my mind and I promise you for all of time that no matter how far away, you’ll be my friend.” It was too “rocky” for me to listen to at home, but when I was driving anywhere by myself I would listen to the song over and over. As I was driving one day, I prayed and asked God if Josh was right for me, and I suddenly had a clear message that Josh was the one I would one day marry. It was plain as day. I hid that message in my heart and didn’t tell anyone.
I didn’t see Josh again for almost two years, although we corresponded via snail mail. When I was 19, I went on a 5-month mission trip to Mexico, and when I returned, I spent time with my best friend before going home to my family. Conveniently, Josh had moved to the same city that my friend lived in, and we all spent time together. When my parents came to pick me up, Josh was there to say good-bye. The chemistry was undeniable and obvious. On the eight hour drive home, my father asked me if I was interested in Josh, and I admitted that I was and that I thought he was an outstanding man. My parents were willing to let the friendship progress. After that, anytime my family went to the city, Josh would come and spend time with us.
Several months went by, and Josh took that 8-hour trip with my friend and her boyfriend to see me. We spent a lot of time together that weekend with my family. Before he left, Josh and I took a walk. It was winter and the snow glistened under the streetlights. Above us, the northern lights gave us a show. He told me he had spoken to my father and my father had given him permission to court me. My heart felt like it would explode. My dreams, my prayers, God’s message to me… they were all coming true.
I saw him every month or so, and we talked several times a week over the phone. Despite the fact that we had followed the courtship rules and kept family very involved and gotten parental blessings, we did hold hands. And at the end of summer, we had our first kiss. It was amazing. Completely blew my socks off. When he left, I felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest. It was so hard every time he left.
And then, he didn’t call. A week passed. I left messages for him. He didn’t return them. Finally, he called. He told me we needed to take a break. I was shocked. Josh explained that he wanted to put our relationship on hold and focus on spiritual things and not progress in our physical relationship. Of course, I was willing to respect that. Although it hurt, I had faith that he would come back. After all, everything had turned out right so far. I’d followed the rules of courtship as they were outlined in our home. I did everything right.
I went to college that fall, the same college that Josh attended. It was awkward to be around him. We spent less and less time together as the first month went by. And then, I was walking to the cafeteria with a friend when I saw him sitting in the lobby with his arm around a girl.
My heart stopped. Time stood still. I was frozen. And then, I came back to myself, and darted away. I remember crying into my mashed potatoes as my friend tried to console me. The next days were dark. I took Nyquil to sleep and Vivarin to wake up. I skipped classes and meals. I just lay on that dingy carpet listening to the City of Angels soundtrack over and over. And I grieved. I grieved deeply as one who had lost a loved one. And indeed I had. It was a death of a dream. I had not heard God. My parents had not guided me correctly. Courtship broke my heart. Bill Gothard’s claim that one of the valuable rewards of courtship, “the protection of emotions,” did not hold true at all. “If, during the time of courtship, one party realizes that this is not God’s will and ends the relationship, it can still be regarded as a successful courtship, because God directed and the individuals were not damaged.” (www.billgothard.com/teaching/courtship) Wrong. Completely and devastatingly wrong.
My mother tried to comfort me by telling me that Josh was the one at fault, because he hadn’t heard from the Lord. I didn’t believe her. I realized that everything was just wrong. I was so completely hurt. It was the beginning of me questioning everything that I had formerly believed. One day, when I was in the chapel of the college, I was crying out to God, begging him to let me feel Him again. I physically felt as though a cloud lifted and an emptiness set in. God had left me. I was abandoned.
I went back home for a friend’s wedding two months later. She asked me to find a date to bring to the wedding. I asked a guy that I had recently met, but my father strongly protested. He forbade me to take the guy, because I needed to be careful not to give away pieces of my heart to men and that I needed to be able to give my whole heart to my future husband. I broke. Right there in front of my father, I melted into a mess of tears as I cried, “I already GAVE my whole heart. And it’s BROKEN. That didn’t work. And you let it happen. You told me to be so careful and never let me date anyone. And so when this Josh came into my life, I knew it was right and gave him my heart. It’s too late, Dad. It’s too late.” I don’t remember if he even responded. I only know that my heart was damaged, and it was the beginning of my free fall.
Story continued here…
Riveted... eagerly awaiting the next portions of the story!
Heartbreaking story... but also a very common one. My thoughts right now are that many people go through this heartbreak, but "courtship" adds a load of guilt. Instead of realizing that it's a bitter but normal part of life, people under "courtship" feel worthless and damaged because they "gave their hearts away." It seems like this guilt would take an already hard situation and make it tons heavier.
I look forward to Part II, with an aching heart.
-- SaraJ
I agree, Sara. Experiencing a normal break-up is tough, but as you said, courtship adds guilt and often berating yourself for hearing God wrong. It's simply overwhelming.
Part II coming soon!
Joy - I am anxiously awaiting the end of your story... It is tales like yours that almost make me feel that courtship in the sense that we were all trained in can be almost MORE damaging than dating when it does not work out. You trust that your father has chosen the right man, and so as you said you give your whole heart. Yes a break-up hurts. Terribly... but in a dating relationship you don't always necessarily start it off with the notion that "I will marry this person." So it is a different hurt. When you enter into a courtship relationship as defined by the standards we grew up with, it is very easy to surrender your entire heart and begin to cultivate the emotional tie that you would to your spouse... because that is the intention. Therefore when that tie is severed, it is more along the lines of breaking an engagement and the hurt is a more personal hurt. I am feeling for you now Joy and awaiting the continuation.
Well said, Elizabeth. My experience was much more like breaking off an engagement although to most outsiders, it looked like a much more casual relationship. In my heart, I was all in. For me, it was impossible to not be emotionally involved and still proceed in a relationship. I doubt most humans are capable of such a task!
Courtship is a terrific example of the certainty we expected when "hearing from God". The death & fulfillment of a vision teaching was similar. Gothard defined FAITH as: Visualizing what God intends to do in a given situation and acting in harmony with it. This was pretty serious stuff since the just will live by faith, we are saved by grace through faith, without faith it's impossible to please God, etc.
So when things didn't turn out the way we'd "heard", it threw us into all kinds of doubts. If God didn't say it, who did? Did we make up "hearing from God"? In the courtship context, perhaps our parents didn't hear from God after all? Or God was wrong? Perhaps He changed His mind? Was Satan stronger? Maybe we didn't have faith after all. Maybe we were wrong about all of it. Maybe God doesn't really talk to people that way. Maybe He doesn't even exist???
Jerusha, you are so right! That is exactly the kind of existential crisis I found myself in after my courtship fell through. I started to question EVERYTHING. The world as I knew it suddenly became scary and unpredictable. I felt lost. But it began the process of discovering myself and my own personal beliefs.
WOW!!! What a story!!! I can't wait for part 2 as well!!! It is so ridiculous to promise all these girls that if commit to courtship they won't get emotionally involved!!! (Yes, not in so many words but basically that is what they are promising!)
And then to feel like you just know and then it is all ripped away!!! Devastating!
One of the things I hated was the confusion at the Training Centers. We were there to serve, not to find a husband, BUT!!! if we were to ever get married to a man as "godly" or rather "ATI-ly" as we were we had to find him at a Training Center!!! Where else would we find him???
I think the point for me was that I realized that God is leaving it up to me to make a wise choice (as He does in so many areas in our lives). He wants to be our best friend and help direct us but the whole idea of the tree in the garden of Eden is that He wants us to have a freewill!!!!
I am so grateful to Him that there is always another bend in the road and plenty of (good and godly) fish in the lake, Oh, and also that you can't "give" away pieces of your heart!!! Yes, we go through pain when the love we give isn't returned or is even thrown away but, The more you love others the more love He gives to fill it's place!!!!
Wendy, I love that comment. You can't "give" away pieces of your heart. So true. You may take memories that you don't enjoy from failed relationships, but those don't have to define your life! People have the amazing ability to chose to move forward and heal. We are innately programmed to grow and regenerate.
I have 3 kids. When I found out I was pregnant with my second (and third, as it turned out to be twins!), I wondered how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved my oldest one. It turns out that love has unending properties. The more you love, the more full your heart becomes. Additionally, it amazes me that my love fits each one uniquely. I love them for their differences!
Wow, Joy. Your words express so much feeling, especially the last paragraph. I felt like I was there and my heart was breaking for you. What a crazy irony that this was all supposed to protect your heart. I'm with the others: waiting for part 2!
I too have a nightmare courtship story...when I chose the "wrong guy" in my parents' eyes.
Also, Bill Gothard's idea of courtship is a formula and a fairytale. To put your children into a formula destroys their identity and hurts them. To give them the idea that their future "courtship" and marriage will works out perfectly if they follow all the right rules is nothing but a fairytale. Life isn't a fairytale...and every person is different.
So so true, KatherineS.
I think an important point in Gothard's literature is not only such and such is promised if we do it "right" but also the vague verses and points that promise we are "wrong" if we don't do it the way he lays out!!!
Such as:
"Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents. The purpose of courtship is to determine a couple’s readiness for marriage and to discern the will of God for a covenant marriage that will benefit the world."
So if we analyse the manipulative factor here we can actually read it this way:
"If a person dates instead of going with courtship then they WONT experience the blessing of God and they don't love the Lord Jesus Christ and they aren't honoring both sets of parents. They are not being evaluated to determine their readiness for marriage and so probably aren't ready. They aren't discerning the will of God and their marriage will not benefit the world."
Yes, that isn't what it says but that is what comes into your conscience when you read it.
Then add to it the many Scriptures he includes such as:
Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways... (Dating is for those who don't fear the Lord.)
If ye love me, keep my commandments…. He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. (Dating is for those who don't keep God's commandments.... even though there is absolutely no command to court!!!)
For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. (And who wants to be guilty of this????!!!!)
This is how ATI youth become ensnared into all these commitments!!! This is how I did! You want to obey the Scripture but you hadn't thought about the fact that none of the Scriptures ever say anything about Courtship vs. Dating!!!!
No kidding, Wendy. I never fully agreed with the idea of courtship, but decided to go along with it because my parents insisted it was the "right" way to find a spouse. Who was I to question them? I was trying to stay under that "umbrella of authority", you know?
Joy, I'm so sorry for what you went through. Gothard's courtship teachings all too often devastate one's relationship with God and parents, in addition to causing numerous internal crises. This obsession with preserving your "heart virginity" is crazy and makes absolutely NO SENSE. Very powerful story, I can't wait for part 2.
Agreed. Saving ones heart sounds like such a nice respectable concept, but there simply isn't solid substance behind that thought.
Dittos =o)
While not part of ATIA, the Christian organization I was a part of was also in the midst of the whole courtship thing. This story happened over and over and over again to so many people I knew. It really made me wonder for a while if God was schizophrenic! (I was a psych major) I also felt really unspiritual because I never heard anything from God about who I was supposed to marry (could have been because I didn't meet him until I was 26?) but the pressure was on - you were supposed to meet, court and marry. It was supposed to protect your heart, blah, blah blah - mostly I didn't see a whole lot of difference between that and regular dating.
I also - with the whole physical thing - saw something else too - a lack of self-control? Oops we slipped up and held hands.....maybe since many hadn't ever been taught there was an in-between that was healthy, it was like no physical to everything once you slipped up? There was no control whatsoever. No in-between, no normal progression. I think we honestly didn't know where to stop if you slipped just a little. It created a host of problems!
That's an interesting comment, Joy.
I live in an Amish area. Many Amish youth seem to consider everything outside their culture to be worldly and sinful, so driving a car or wearing jeans is on the same level as smoking a pack a day or getting drunk or high. They seem to have a very impaired sense of moderation and an impaired sense of what is outside their culture but is not harmful or sinful. It reminds me of your comment here that if holding hands and sleeping together are on par with each other, and you slipped up and held hands, oh well - might as well go all in. In reality, it becomes counter-productive to what its proponents are hoping for.
I'm looking forward to the rest of your story, Joy. Thank you for being willing to share.
Another one of Mr. Gothard's ideologies in a not so ideal world. It would be nice if everything was so simple. Unfortunately we are dealing with fallen man. My husband was unfaithful and has been married 3 times now. According to Mr. G. I can never be remarried because I made a vow, no matter what he has done, I'm held to it. How do you keep a vow that was broken by someone else indefinitely? The struggle of realy trying to live this one out was awfully distressing and heartbreaking. After 14 years I did marry again and the struggle of making this decision was extremely hard. Thinking that I would become an adulterous and make my new husband an adulterer. Remember, the Bible says that adulterers don't inherit the kingdom of God. My church at the time was even an "ATI church". My new husband and I ran away and got married, never to return to this church again. How it all went down is unbelievable. I should write a book on this one, it was absolutely ridiculous.
I have bee happily married for 8 years and thank God all the time for giving me a second chance.
Denise, thanks for sharing. What a story! I can't imagine the torturous thoughts that you experienced during those years after your first husband left and remarried. What hurtful fallacies we used to believe! I'm glad you were given a second chance. And I agree, you should write a book!!! Or at least write it up for this blog, Recovering Grace. If you want to share it, please submit it! The link to "submit an article" is at the bottom of the page. It's an amazing story, and I can only imagine there are many out there who would be deeply touched and identify with your story.
Again, thanks for sharing!!!
Denise, I don't want to hijack this but I just wanted to say that I believe that the heart intent behind 1 Cor 7:15 is that you are "not bound" to someone who chooses to abandon the marriage. Not everyone agrees with this, but I personally believe that God frees you to move on when the other person abandons the marriage and it becomes clear that reconciliation is not an option.
So sorry to read of your pain. So glad you are now happily married for 8 years!
You aren't hijacking this.
I agonized over this scripture and others that deal with divorce and remarriage. While being told that this and Matt.9 are only refering to divorce. It makes no sense when the whole reason for not being bound or receiving a certicate of divorcement would be to remarry, that is, when there obviously has been abandonment or adultery.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we didn't have divorce and could live that happily-ever-after life. Afterall, God hates it and why does he hate it so much? In Malachi it says, because he wants a "Godly generation". It messes up the bigger picture of Christ and the church. But again, we live in a fallen world where sin abounds but grace abounds more!
Denise, I remember having a conversation with you at the OTC and your telling me that you were not sure that you could live with the idea of never being able to remarry. I remember hurting for you that day. Not many days after that you and your girls left the training center. I was so happy to learn recently that you had remarried.
Denise, idk if anyone has mentioned this or not, but since your husband has cheated on you, and continues in that lifestyle, I consider that a 'departure from the faith' which frees you completely to remarry without fear of adultery. That's my personal take on it.
[...] Editor’s Note: As we stated in Part One of this testimony, RG offers real stories that describe experiences in ATI which resulted in disillusionment, and [...]
All this emphasis of trying to "hear from the Lord." Such great intentions, resulting from a desire to find out God's will in specific situations and then practice it perfectly. Very common in Christianity, and even more so in Gothardist/homeschooling circles.
And yet Scripture itself -- which is supposed to be the Christian's spiritually sufficient source of truth -- never encourages this practice. In fact, it warns specifically against seeking signs that God does not promise. It warns against practicing divination. (And while many well-meaning Christians, trying to be discerning, are fiercely on their guard against secular fantasy novels with "magic," they allow the "angel of light" of "Christian divination" to "gain a foothold" quite easily in their lives. I used to ...)
Greg Koukl has an excellent study series, and most recently in his Stand to Reason newsletter, about the flawed views behind evangelical divination. If put into practice, for God's glory and with trust in His sovereignty, it can help so much -- not to guarantee perfect safety, like an Emotional Spiritual Prosperity Gospel, but to grant reassurance and further faith in the Savior.
Thank you for bringing up this point!!! So true.
I remember my parents talking about "laying a fleece" before God to seek a sign or guidance. But I'm not sure how many other times Scriptures talk about God giving guidance through physical signs. Most of the time, I think we need to rely on our "gut" feelings and move forward. If doors close, then that is a form of guidance as well!
I did the "fleece" thing and trying to "hear from God," too, regarding ex-boyfriends. I wanted to know if they would come back to me, because they had led me to believe we were meant to be together, that we were going to be married, then ended up breaking my heart. In both cases, God seemed to very clearly say yes, and give me confirmations that this was truly him speaking....In both cases, they did NOT come back to me. I married a different guy. So nowadays I'm very much against the idea of "evangelical divination." :P
Even while being taught the 'courtship ideal,' I wondered how anyone was supposed to actually get to know someone of the opposite gender without some sort of emotional ties. Emotions are involved in all relationships, including same-gender friendships. We were told that friendships with the opposite gender were good as long as there was no romantic intent, but if a guy and girl so much as talked with each other, the interaction was considered flirting. So how was friendship supposed to work with no communication? Totally confusing! I remember a conversation with my roommate. It was her perspective that I had emotional attachments to a guy with whom I was good friends. I responded that I had emotional attachments to her. Was that wrong or was it only wrong if it was with someone of the opposite gender? That ended the conversation. Dating with a purpose seems much more balanced than courtship.
Oh Father God please give your children discernment in these very deceptive times.Let our spirit's ring with alarm over every word promoted by false teacher's and warn other's. Gothard's teaching of the umbrella of protection under authority is ringed with untruth. The first tenet of a cult is create fear. I know of too many sister's and brother's in Christ who have fallen under the falsehhod of Gothard and are afraid to even question Gothard. And those who do are thought of as not wishing to live a holy life under our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.These ppl. get angry that any would qustion and doubt this man. Gothard has taken God's word and made it 'fit' into his image and teaching to the point where many of what he teaches is silly. Anyone who promotes gothard please go to Galatian's. I have also heard from gothard follower's to take what is good and ignore the other. What?! Paul declares such men as gothard are dogs as well as condemning in very strong term's the teaching's of such men. 'We are saved by the grace of God through faith in Jesus not of ourselves it is a gift of God. What gothard has done is create many in his image and not of the image of Jesus Christ.It is ALL OF GOD'S GRACE THROUGH HIS SON.Gothard teaches we must earn grace.And according to him faith is 'visualizing' what God intend's to do . Visualization is an occultic activity and condemned.With all of gothards study of God's word surely he should know faith is simply taking God at His word.The fact this man promotes the bible as a sucess course and if one follows the commandments of God one can be a sucess without Christ is a damable heresey.Get out from under this man. Gothard churns out neo pharisee's and appeal's to our flesh to be acceptable to God..the fruit's of this teaching is arrogance and pride.
Just going to say, is it really courtship's fault any time a person gives their heart away completely to their first crush? I'm not convinced.
Anony, when all the teachings one hears say you can only "get it right" the first time, and that until such time you should not even dare to have feelings for another person, then yes, courtship teachings bear culpability. However, I'm afraid you seem to have the wrong idea about the main reason to object these teachings. The main reason to oppose them and debunk them is not simply "because they hurt people." The main reason is, "Because they are the mere opinions of men, presented as equal to Scripture, and are thus false teachings."
This site needs a like button! I couldn't agree more. Courtship is fine as "a" method it's when it's made into "the" method that it's a false teaching.
[...] there’s ample evidence available that courtship can go just as badly wrong as dating (see here, here and here for only three examples, and there are many more). Davis, however, seems to assume, not [...]
[…] about how courtship didn’t save her from an abusive relationship. I wish she could read Joy’s story, and Dulce’s story, and Melissa’s story. I wish she could read Darcy’s advice. […]
Did anyone keep a copy of the original courtship teaching by Bill Gothard? Apparently they have been taken down and/or changed since the link given in this article leads to an error page. If they improve their teaching on courtship, fine, but the fact still remains that many people have read and will continue to follow the "old" teaching. I'm curious to see exactly what he did used to teach.
[…] courtship = Godly marriage. But life doesn’t work that way. ” And in the series “Courtship Promised to Protect Me,” Joy shares her heartbreaking story of how the rule of courtship failed to protect her from […]