After my courtship with Josh failed, my parents did back off on having power over directing my love life. The fact that I lived several hours away from them helped to keep them from having much influence. The truth of the matter was that I had fought the idea of courtship for years. I just wanted to have a “normal” teenage/young adult romance. I liked boys. How was I supposed to know if one was “right” for me? The reason I had decided to try courtship for Josh is because I knew. I just knew he was the one. And I wanted to do everything right. Unfortunately, doing everything right in courtship does not guarantee a happy marriage. It is not a mathematical formula.
I was deeply wounded by my failed courtship. Actually, devastated is a much more appropriate word. For several years after that, I ran from everything I had been taught growing up. I dated. I drank. I let boys sleep over. I skipped church. I hated myself. I was furious with my parents. I stopped caring.
Then I met Martin. I met him at a bar. It was the worst of places to meet, I readily admit that. He walked up to me and introduced me to his friend, who was cute, but not my type, so I passed him off to my friend. We chatted it up for a bit, and then we all ended up hanging out a few times after that night. One night, after hanging out with a group of friends, Martin asked me if I wanted to hang out longer and watch a movie. I thought he was funny, so I consented. While watching the movie, he gave me a kiss. It was a kiss that changed my life. I melted into him. Somehow my whole world flipped upside down.
Martin was the one who caught me from my free fall. He gave me hope and love and acceptance. He also showed me that it was not ok to disrespect myself. In so many ways, he saved me and helped me rediscover myself spiritually.
Our relationship was not at all perfect. We broke up once for several months, because of trust issues, but decided to work through them. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. But we loved each other. I learned how to stand up for myself. He helped me learn to express my opinion on things.
Martin was the first guy who didn’t seem intimidated by my father when they met. He talked easily and honestly with my dad. He got along with my sisters. Family was important to him too. He came from a huge family. Martin was Catholic, which I worried would present a problem with my dad. He was also from a different ethnic background. Neither of those issues impacted my dad’s view of Martin, probably because Martin was so forthcoming and open about everything.
We got engaged after we had dated for about a year. And he did ask my father for permission to marry me beforehand. Our wedding day was one of the happiest, most meaningful days of my life. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but after nearly 10 years of marriage, I love him more than the day I married him.
Despite the hurts that I experienced, I came out ok. Courtship didn’t work for me. Dating did. I ended up with a man that is my perfect balance, truly my helpmeet. And we have 3 beautiful boys, who complete my life.
It is my strong opinion that courtship is in no way a God-mandated, ordained way of conducting relationships. Back in Biblical times, betrothal and arranged marriages were customary and convenient. It was normal for that time and area. Jesus did not give us directions on the proper method of becoming married. He instructed us on purity of body and mind, of course, but never gave us step by step instructions on how a relationship ought to unfold, unlike Bill Gothard’s Foundational Principles of Courtship (www.billgothard.com/teaching/courtship). In present times, in most cultures that we live in, dating is considered normal. There are certainly ways to date while maintaining purity. Dating or going out with different people can give one a better idea of what they are looking for in a mate. It is a less finite way of going about it.
My biggest problem with courtship is that by encouraging an individual to save their entire heart for their future mate, they are ready to give all their love and commitment to that one that is finally approved by the parents. When that falls through, it is much more devastating than a dating relationship that didn’t work out. It affects more people and the damage is longer-lasting because a bigger and deeper type of relationship is lost. Beyond that, potential suitors can still hide who they really are from one’s parents. While parents may have a “feel” for a potential mate’s character, they cannot truly see the heart of the person. Courtship that results in marriage does not guarantee a successful, happy marriage. The best thing a person can do to try to find a good partner is to pray and follow the heart.
Thank you for sharing your story - I'm so glad you have a happy marriage. Be blessed!
I'm happy for you and praise God for second chances. Again God's grace is sufficient!
Thank you, Joy! I love reading how God redeems our life stories.
I so agree that Jesus talked to us about our heart condition but never gave step by step formulas that guarantee success and certainty.
"Go to bars and meet your soul mate! Rediscover God!" One of the most annoying things about God is that He simply doesn't play by our rules. But one of the most reassuring things about God is that He really can find us wherever we are... even if we aren't doing all the "right things."
Your experience with Josh doesn't even begin to be unique. But the expectations that you built into the relationship with him made the pain all the worse.
In the end, it isn't HOW you do things. It's what your heart is. Thanks for sharing your happen ending with us. :)
-- SaraJ
I love your story! I never had the first part of your story, but I did have a guy like Martin, a guy who taught me to be who I was, to make my own decisions, to choose my own beliefs, to believe that I was truly beautiful.
My dad used to say that courtship sets us up for marriage and dating sets us up for divorce. But reading your story I realized that the opposite is true!!!
Such as this remark, "...they are ready to give all their love and commitment to that one that is finally approved by the parents. When that falls through, it is much more devastating than a dating relationship that didn’t work out."
Because to most regular people, they are dating to see if this is the person they want to marry, for people courting, it already is!!!!
I also love this statement!!! "Beyond that, potential suitors can still hide who they really are from one’s parents. While parents may have a “feel” for a potential mate’s character, they cannot truly see the heart of the person." YES!!!! How easy it is for guys to act one way with the parents!!! I have seen many examples of guys who parents thought were great and yet I could see that they had very deep flaws that I would not want to marry!
Thank you so much for your story!!! And for making a clear point of the fact that Gothard is wrong to promise a happy marriage if you follow courtship!
May God bless you and your family!!!!
Joy, I *melted* into your description of meeting your husband: "Martin was the one who caught me from my free fall. He gave me hope and love and acceptance." I can absolutely identify with the blessing God gave you in finding him/or being found! As well as your heartache and brokenness from the "formula" not working. Thank you for sharing your story. If it resonates with my heart and experience, I can imagine there are many, many others who feel the same.
YOUR WELCOME, JOY!!!
But it is I who is really thankful for you...
Aww, so sweet! :-)
awe...
awwwwwww! :)
I can relate to this in so many ways!
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Thanks for posting this. I was in a courtship myself and it was a disaster with rules, regulations, and unspoken rules about behavior. I relate to this and very much so.
-L
I know this is an older post, so I don't know if anyone will see it. Courtship actually makes since for this generation of parents. It is the ultimate in helicopter parenting. This generation of parents are so concerned with making sure their children do not experience any level of pain, discomfort, or disappointment that they are micromanaging every aspect of their children's lives from the playground to the workforce to the wedding day and beyond. Falling in love and having your heart broken is a normal and healthy thing. There are lessons that can be learned from heart break that bring about wisdom and maturity. I fail to understand how Christian parents are falling into this trap. This is nothing short of spiritual abuse.
Agreed.
I wonder how many people are "stuck" in unhappy marriages because they felt that once they committed to courtship, it was as good as being married. To break a courtship was almost equal with giving up your virginity. You would be considered "used goods" to anyone else. Tragic!
My son walked away from his faith in God because of a abusive courting relationship. I wonder how many other casualties have been caused by this doctrine of men.