After my courtship with Josh failed, my parents did back off on having power over directing my love life. The fact that I lived several hours away from them helped to keep them from having much influence. The truth of the matter was that I had fought the idea of courtship for years. I just wanted to have a “normal” teenage/young adult romance. I liked boys. How was I supposed to know if one was “right” for me? The reason I had decided to try courtship for Josh is because I knew. I just knew he was the one. And I wanted to do everything right. Unfortunately, doing everything right in courtship does not guarantee a happy marriage. It is not a mathematical formula.

I was deeply wounded by my failed courtship. Actually, devastated is a much more appropriate word. For several years after that, I ran from everything I had been taught growing up. I dated. I drank. I let boys sleep over. I skipped church. I hated myself. I was furious with my parents. I stopped caring.

Then I met Martin. I met him at a bar. It was the worst of places to meet, I readily admit that. He walked up to me and introduced me to his friend, who was cute, but not my type, so I passed him off to my friend. We chatted it up for a bit, and then we all ended up hanging out a few times after that night. One night, after hanging out with a group of friends, Martin asked me if I wanted to hang out longer and watch a movie. I thought he was funny, so I consented. While watching the movie, he gave me a kiss. It was a kiss that changed my life. I melted into him. Somehow my whole world flipped upside down.

Martin was the one who caught me from my free fall. He gave me hope and love and acceptance. He also showed me that it was not ok to disrespect myself. In so many ways, he saved me and helped me rediscover myself spiritually.

Our relationship was not at all perfect. We broke up once for several months, because of trust issues, but decided to work through them. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. But we loved each other. I learned how to stand up for myself. He helped me learn to express my opinion on things.

Martin was the first guy who didn’t seem intimidated by my father when they met. He talked easily and honestly with my dad. He got along with my sisters. Family was important to him too. He came from a huge family. Martin was Catholic, which I worried would present a problem with my dad. He was also from a different ethnic background. Neither of those issues impacted my dad’s view of Martin, probably because Martin was so forthcoming and open about everything.

We got engaged after we had dated for about a year. And he did ask my father for permission to marry me beforehand. Our wedding day was one of the happiest, most meaningful days of my life. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, but after nearly 10 years of marriage, I love him more than the day I married him.

Despite the hurts that I experienced, I came out ok. Courtship didn’t work for me. Dating did. I ended up with a man that is my perfect balance, truly my helpmeet. And we have 3 beautiful boys, who complete my life.

It is my strong opinion that courtship is in no way a God-mandated, ordained way of conducting relationships. Back in Biblical times, betrothal and arranged marriages were customary and convenient. It was normal for that time and area. Jesus did not give us directions on the proper method of becoming married. He instructed us on purity of body and mind, of course, but never gave us step by step instructions on how a relationship ought to unfold, unlike Bill Gothard’s Foundational Principles of Courtship (www.billgothard.com/teaching/​courtship). In present times, in most cultures that we live in, dating is considered normal. There are certainly ways to date while maintaining purity. Dating or going out with different people can give one a better idea of what they are looking for in a mate. It is a less finite way of going about it.

My biggest problem with courtship is that by encouraging an individual to save their entire heart for their future mate, they are ready to give all their love and commitment to that one that is finally approved by the parents. When that falls through, it is much more devastating than a dating relationship that didn’t work out. It affects more people and the damage is longer-lasting because a bigger and deeper type of relationship is lost. Beyond that, potential suitors can still hide who they really are from one’s parents. While parents may have a “feel” for a potential mate’s character, they cannot truly see the heart of the person. Courtship that results in marriage does not guarantee a successful, happy marriage. The best thing a person can do to try to find a good partner is to pray and follow the heart.