It was my 12th birthday. I was excited because I knew my dad would be taking me out to visit for a little bit before we celebrated with my family. I was the oldest of four boys at the time, before our younger sister and baby brother where born. I was excited because personal interactions with Dad were infrequent and usually because we had angered him somehow. I knew since it was my birthday he would likely be in a good mood and our visit would be special.
Soon it was time and we headed out to an empty church parking lot to park and visit. Dad began to talk to me about my future marriage, and how special my wife was going to be. It was a bit of a shocker because Dad never spoke about our futures, or talked to me like I was a person. I was usually an annoyance. The rarity of this situation made me determined to embrace anything that he might want to talk about. Pretty soon he pulled out a Courtship booklet from the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP). He had just been to his second Basic Seminar and was determined to become more intentional about parenting. The Basic Seminar’s instructor, Bill Gothard, taught that parents are responsible to God for their children. And rather than simply being good stewards, many parents, including my dad, took that to mean that they were responsible to God for every thought, action, and attitude their children had up until the moment they married and started their own family.
Dad went over the Courtship Booklet with me, showing me that being the best husband in the future would mean that I would never look with lust on another woman and that I would save my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self for the woman that God would have for me and that he would help me choose. It seemed like an overwhelming responsibility to promise to, but I really wanted to be a good husband and a pleasing child of God. Plus, Dad had never talked to me like an adult before and the idea of partnering with him on something so grand and purposeful seemed like a wonderful way to earn his ongoing respect.
Dad gave me a promise ring that night, and the next day the two of us signed a Courtship Covenant with our pastor. One more important thing happened that night in the car at the empty church parking lot. Dad said that it would be hard for me to keep all that I was committing to for all those years, and that the best thing I could do to help with that was have an accountability partner. He suggested that anytime I had a wrong thought, or wrong action (I didn’t yet know what he meant by that), that I could confess that to him, and I would be forgiven by God. That way I could stay “clean” and true to my promises. I was nervous about this as well, but it sounded like it might work.
So, to start things off, Dad wanted to know if I had ever had wrong thoughts about women. In truth, I had only just begun to find women attractive and was curious what they looked like naked, but it was a passing thought that I spent no time on. I had no idea what masturbation was, or that something like that was possible. I had been home-schooled and had had some friends of both genders, but sexuality had nothing to do with life at that point. I guiltily confessed to Dad that I had had some thoughts about girls without their clothes on. Dad seemed very concerned and wanted to know what I had pictured. I was extremely embarrassed to have to describe what I had pictured a woman’s body looking like, so I lied and said it was really blurry because I couldn’t picture it very well. He seemed relieved and then led me through a prayer to ask God to forgive me for thinking thoughts like that. I wasn’t sure if I felt better or not after the prayer, but I was very determined I would never think of a woman’s body again because I didn’t want to have to confess that to dad.
Before we left, we had decided that I would be responsible to come to Dad every day to clear my conscience. Dad would not be the one to track me down because I needed to learn to be a man and to responsibly own up to my wrong doings. But he also said that any day that I didn’t come and confess to him, or didn’t confess everything to him, I would be out from under his spiritual umbrella of protection and that Satan would be free to begin destroying my life. This was quite overwhelming. But I was determined, if unsure, that I would have what it takes to be a real man.
It soon became a nightmare. I was much more of a monster that I had ever imagined. There were beautiful and less-than-completely-covered women on the boxes of exercise equipment at the store that I kept finding my mind thinking about. In fact, the female form was everywhere, sometimes actual people and sometimes pictures of people. Dad was busier at the time, so I didn’t feel completely guilty on the days that we never had a moment for me to confess to him. But the list kept growing and I began to dread moments that I had with him because it meant I had to take advantage of those rare moments of alone time to confess. And it meant utter humiliation. Dad was always shocked and horrified at what I was seeing and thinking about. He said the magazine racks at the store were practically pornography. I had never seen pornography, but I was horrified that my mind would remember such vile images. The longer the year went on the more hopeless and despicable I felt. Dad said I was listening to Satan and was playing right into his traps. He said that before I got married, I was going to have to confess to my future wife’s dad that I had had all these evil thoughts about women other than his daughter and that I would need to ask his forgiveness. He said I was going to have to do the same with my future wife. She probably would never want to marry me with such a perverse track record.
My fear and horror grew. No matter what I tried and how much I prayed and confessed, girls continued to catch my eye. I was alarmed that I had a longing for that beauty. I was ashamed that I was so powerfully drawn to wonder in amazement at beautiful hair, lashes and curves. What was I going to say to my future wife? I couldn’t say I had saved my eyes for her. I had seen beautiful girls. Good thing I wasn’t allowed to go to the youth group at church. There were lots of beautiful girls there. I was sure I would be in major sin if I was close to them. Dad said it was much better that I never went, and that the idea of letting boys and girls hang out together was really sick. Children should be with their parents so they can learn wisdom. Putting fools (children) together only made greater fools.
When I was 13, I began to discover masturbation. It was alarming that something so pleasurable and so out-of-control could happen within my own body. I confessed to Dad what was going on, and he wanted to know all the details. He told me to keep him informed of what was happening because it was easy to fall away from God in that process. He was concerned and I was fearful.
When I was 14, I remember making a resolute decision that I could never get married. There was no way, I, as man who desired the best for the women in his life, could ever subject any poor girl to the perversion that I was. It might even be better for everyone in the world if I didn’t exist.
When I was 15, Dad decided that all four of us boys needed to be circumcised, not only for spiritual, but also for physical/sanitary reasons. I was horrified and scared. We had check-up/planning visits to the doctor who would be performing the surgery. Dad was intent on being present for every aspect of the visit. My grandpa was angry when he heard that we were all going to be circumcised, and I thought my prayers might be answered. After reading the Medical Care Bulletin from IBLP on Circumcision, my grandpa changed his mind and supported my dad.
As the time of surgery grew closer, I became so distraught that I actually decided I would talk to Dad. Talking to my father was a scary thing because, according to Bill Gothard (I had been to three Basic Seminars and an Advanced Seminar already), Dad was God’s Anointed leader in our family, and to question God’s Anointed was rebellion. We had been taught from First Samuel that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft which means you are listening to Satan. So, with all the respect I could pointedly communicate, I asked Dad if we had to do the surgery. I explained that we were in the New Testament times so we didn’t have to keep the law. I was also certain of my ability to be responsible in maintaining sanitation in that area, so that wouldn’t be an issue. I also told Dad he could save the thousands it would cost. Dad smiled and explained that God had blessed us with the financial resources to be able to do it at this time and we would be foolish to miss this opportunity when we didn’t know if we could do it later. He also said that my future wife would be grateful to me and to him for my circumcision. It was never even a thought for either of us that this was my body and I should be able to decide what happens to it. We both “knew” that Dad was completely responsible to God for me and that he has wisdom as the leader of the home that I didn’t have, so I could only provoke the wrath of God and work of Satan in my life if I ever openly crossed the divine wisdom my father had received directly from God.
I felt trapped in the horror of God’s best for my life.
I have a hard time concentrating when I recall the events of the surgery. A few days before the surgery we had a tour around the hospital to see where we would be prepped and where we would go for surgery. It felt more like we were being paraded around before the nurses who were smiling and red faced, wondering at this family who was having four sons circumcised at the same time. On the day of the surgery I decided I wasn’t going to be apprehensive at all. I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about my body, that I didn’t have a right to it, and that I was going to completely trust that everything that was going to happen was supposed to happen. I went numb. I was numb to the fact that I was naked under a gown, that I had preparatory IVs stuck in my arm, that beautiful nurses kept pulling my gown up to handle, inspect and prep my penis, that I was being wheeled in to the operating room and succumbed to the power of anesthesia. When I awoke, there were more nurses inspecting the site. We had instructions to soak in a bath tub when we were released to soften the yards of bandaging before we slowly unwrapped it. At home, Dad assumed the role of resident nurse and insisted on being present when we each in our turn soaked and unwrapped our mutilated member. I no longer felt valuable enough to feel his controlling presence was a violation of privacy and personhood. I didn’t have a right to privacy and personhood. I was the property of my God-given authority and getting used to that was much more pleasant. It was many more years before I felt all the pain of that season. The cumulative events of the years felt as though my masculinity was raped repeatedly.
The daily confessing continued until I was 20. I finally came to be strong enough to claim that there is but one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus (1 Tim. 2:5). No man should ever ask you to confess your faults to him as a requirement for a perfect walk with God. I had grown more and more frustrated and confused. How could I be such a perverted person with strong attraction to women if I so desired God’s best in my life? I was memorizing scripture, reading the Bible for at least 30 minutes daily, and praying continuously. Through my increasing knowledge of the Bible, I began to wonder if there was a different design. Over several years I realized that the opposite of lust was not not-lusting, but love. That Christ would have been fully aware of every aspect (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) of the women around Him, aware of the attractiveness He made them with, and yet He never lusted.
As I began to understand my right to know my own motives and not just accept the motives my dad said I had, I realized that I had nothing but the best desires for the women around me. In no way did I ever want to abuse or selfishly use the women that I was so blessed to know. It took even more time to understand that my attraction to women didn’t mean I had been lusting at all for all those years. I have also slowly grown to comprehend that it is okay for me to be fully masculine the way God made me, and that me being masculine according to my design is actually a blessing, and not a curse, to the women around me. I have grown close to some amazing girls I call my sisters and they have been very instrumental in my healing and understanding of the beauty of my design and purpose. I have finally come to be grateful for my sexuality, masculinity and for the unique and beautiful design of women and femininity. God’s true design is so beautiful, something to be delighted in. No one should be ashamed of being a man, or of being a woman. And no one can guarantee a perfect and harm-free life. My dad was obsessed with us avoiding the pitfalls he fell into in his younger years and yet his constant vigilance caused wounds and pain of a very different kind. Life cannot be controlled, only responded to. Respond to yourself with graciousness and forgiveness. Be gracious and forgiving of those around you. Pursue love as the ultimate goal in life. Everything else is pointless without a heart of love.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
ADDITIONAL PERSONAL NOTE: The ultra-heavy emphasis on modesty (clothing that was loose fitting and covered the body) in the IBLP/ATI (Advanced Training Institute) circles simply compounded the feelings of worthlessness and condemnation. I felt horrible that women had to be so careful to cover up their bodies just to “help out” their perverted brothers who couldn’t stop lusting. It made me mad that there seemed to be no solution, and that women were left to feel like there was something so horribly wrong with their bodies that it must be kept hidden way. But as I grew older, I observed and understood that lust is a heart issue–never a clothing issue. A man who is given over to lust will not be helped by women buried in layers of cloth. But a man of pure heart will not indulge in selfish and abusive visions of scantily clad maidens. Observation, appreciation, and attraction are not the same as lust. Jesus was able to observe, appreciate, and know every one of His creations, and never had a selfish or abusive thought. I would love Christians to think less about modesty and more about how the motives of the heart have been wonderfully transformed by Christ.
Kylar... yuck, ouch, sorry, man! There is something about being so owned as a person that you are not even able to speak up in defense of your own body. I think that people who have never been there have a hard time understanding what that is like..
Without meaning to speak against your dad, I just wonder if he didn't recognize some of his own demons in your battles and was perhaps trying to squelch that in you as a reaction. My dad was not that extreme but there were forced confessions and anything in the area of lust, masturbation, etc. was considered a Bad Thing. I had the impression he must have no sexual feelings or desires whatsoever. There's something of a living human soul that is missing in that equation. I am not speaking in defense of lust. I am speaking in favor of sharing weakness together and encouraging the good in each other.
Finally, I was reminded of a book that I've never read but I love the title and the cover image - Andy Stanley's "It Came From Within!" Others are responsible for their own actions, and indeed some people do intentionally draw attention to their bodies, but our battle is with something inside our own hearts. Thankfully God gives...GRACE!
Kylar thanks for telling your story. The surgery (as a teen, not an infant) is mind blowing and the rest of your story goes to a major problem..as you say your masculinity was raped. There are hardly any functional Christian guys to be found. They are either touch me not you evil female or so repressed and shamed that they learn early to lead a double life. How about, hey son..they are great looking aren't they..God made em beautiful, He sure knew what He was doing..but it would be best to wait til marriage, cause its not just about sex, its about love, trust and happiness too..glad you still retained your faith, that is a miracle
oh, wow! This was painful to read but so powerful! Kyler, you have hit on something that I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying about: this whole issue of modesty and the extreme weight I and my friends carried to be "modest". I have 4 daughters now and tread this area very cautiously since I don't want them living under the burden I carried. And you hit the nail on the head when you said that "lust is a heart issue–never a clothing issue". When I read that I wanted to jump up and shout, "YES!!!" So, hard a it must have been to write and relive, thank you for a very insightful and canded look at this horrible distortion of sexuality in ATI/IBLP!
See, technically if you look at the dictionary lust simply means "to have sexual desire." I don't see anything wrong with lust, or with sexual fantasies, or with looking at someone and picturing him or her naked. That's just part of being a sexual being. The problem is simply when those thoughts end up hurting someone - if they lead you to see women as inferiors or simply objects rather than equals, or to cheat on your wife, or consume your life so that you can never get any actual work done, for example. But otherwise, what's the big deal? We're sexual beings, we think about sex - no surprise there, and there shouldn't be any shame there either.
I don't know about "technically," but I do know what the Bible states: Matthew 5:28 "I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Sex is amazing. No argument there. But like just about every other fantastic thing, there are boundaries.
I believe Kylar's intent wasn't to tell the reader that lust is okay. Or that immodest clothing or behavior is okay. He was simply pointing out that when you have a lust obsession, don't pass the buck and blame the woman that he is lusting after. I am not responsible for the thoughts and or obssesions of another man. That teaching is abusive to women. (But again, not negating the importance of balanced modesty.)
"I believe Kylar's intent wasn't to tell the reader that lust is okay. Or that immodest clothing or behavior is okay. He was simply pointing out that when you have a lust obsession, don't pass the buck and blame the woman that he is lusting after."
No, not at all - I think you really missed the point. Lust, as defined by the writers father, is something that occurs when you think of another woman, imagine her body, or even notice her natural beauty. As the post demonstrates, this is incredibly taxing and unhealthy.
There's a major, thick line between the things that go on in our minds and the way we live our lives. When I see injustice, I become quite angry (an emotion that happens in my brain) but I may manifest that anger by writing or talking with other people about the issue. When I notice a man that I feel an initial attraction for ("lustful desires"), it's like a little tick in my brain and I just keep walking. That's the problem with thought crimes and sins - they are, quite literally, impossible to police.
Lastly, your idea that you're "not responsible for the thoughts and or obssesions of another man" leads me to think that this man's struggle was an obsession by choice, or that men who do commit these thought crimes are obsessed. While I agree that a woman should not be shackled to man's sins, I'd like to point out that it's not immoral to feel sexual desire in the first place! We literally cannot choose to be attracted to some people and not attracted to others - it's a complex bouquet of personality, biology, and environment. The problem ISN'T the false notion of "lust" (a crime with no victim, I might add*), it's a culture that paints any individual who "lusts" as a sinner. It wasn't the fear of lusting that drove this poor kid to obsession; it was the culture he was raised in.
*"Lusting" being an initial physical reaction to beauty or a mental state is a victimless crime. As soon as someone begins to objectify that person or act forcefully on their desires, it DOES have a victim.
My early teens were much the same, but I had a very freeing paradigm shift in response to a realization in that verse you just quoted, that is sooooo often abused. (Matt 5:28)
I'd had this memorized for years before I even realized, but ADULTERY happens with extra-marital sex. Singles, can't commit adultery, that would be fornication. This would obviously apply to thoughts the same as actions, and therefore there is no biblical basis, whatsoever, against being sexually attracted to women as a single. I would like to say, "DUH!!!" because libido is part of instinct put in by God to ensure the propagation of the species, and is an important part of the "courtship" or dating process.
However this really abundantly obvious fact, I have never heard anyone in my conservative circle mention it. There is a huge distinction between "adultery" and just fornication in the bible, this isn't splitting hairs. Adultery you got stoned for, fornication (pre-marital sex) you simply needed to get married, no other punishment. That's a huge distinction.
Once you realize this, that verse makes so much more sense. Yes lust for other women while married is not great for your marriage.
Wow, this really makes sense. I' never really thought of it that way directly, but subconciously/indirectly wondered the same thing.
To me, this story is an example of a father catching the lust for power over other people's lives and, of course, his children are the most vulnerable. It is also and example of how a 12 year old is extremely impressionable by his parents. People wonder how come I went along with some of the things growing up and it is hard to explain how you can agree to go along with something even though you know it isn't right because of the huge influence our parents had on us.
I am so sorry Kylar that you went through this but good for you to be sharing such a hard story to help others through their healing!!! Very brave and honorable!!!
Oh, I'm so sorry you went through this, young man. Thank you for putting a male perspective on the lust issue out in cyberspace.
You know, it was 100% wrong for your dad to have you mutilated surgically. I can't believe the surgeon agreed! Not once did he speak to you out of your father's presence? He should lose his license. He should have been calling CPS instead of taking your dad's money.
My heart goes out to you...
Surgeons mutilate boys genitals in the US every day! It is just as painful and horrifying for an infant as it is a 12 y/o! I am so sorry you went through this and yes it should be illegal. HIS BODY HIS CHOICE!
Well you can't really say that... on the 8th day as the Jews did it is actually the easiest time in a boys entire life, there is less bleeding and pain because of a chemical surge after birth.
Besides the fact no baby will EVER remember it, while if it happens at 15 I have no doubt it would scar you for life.
Myself I was circumcised, but I don't remember it, and I'm fine with it. Even glad tbh, it does seem more hygenic.
+1 to SteveMcK
"I felt trapped in the horror of God’s best for my life." It's so sad that children are made to feel this way. What a perversion of what could have been a sweet teen-age relationship with God and thirst for His best.
Imagine how those of us who are gay are made to feel.
I'm sorry, Lee. (((hugs)))
Kylar, I type this with tears in my eyes and prayers of gratefulness in my heart that you survived your childhood and now are helping others. I had never even heard of ATI until the Duggars' show and the more I've delved into the horrors of ATI, Vision Forum, etc., the more I am outraged. I hope I can transform this rage I feel at Bill Gothard and his ilk into educating others, as you are, in an articulate and educating manner, as you are -- people need to be aware that this sort of horrifying abuse is endorsed under Bill Gothard's "shining, happy family" cult rules and teachings. Thank you again, Kylar (and everyone who writes on this site). Peace be with you.
[...] a young man writes about a different kind of sexual abuse in his Bill Gothard following home. LINK to the POST. Share this:ShareDiggFacebookStumbleUponTwitterRedditLike this:LikeBe the first to like this [...]
im just glad that you made it out without commiting some kind of suicide. i believe there are many kinds, mental, emotional, financial, social, and physical. Im glad you found the true GOD and dont confess to a substitute Jesus anymore. that is just whack. wow, the more i hear about ati/iblp the more i want to throw up, and i was in it as well. GOD bless you!!
"He said that before I got married, I was going to have to confess to my future wife’s dad that I had had all these evil thoughts about women other than his daughter and that I would need to ask his forgiveness. He said I was going to have to do the same with my future wife. She probably would never want to marry me with such a perverse track record."
I remember going through the exact same thing, Kylar. For years I thought I could never get married because of all the things that I would have to confess. So much guilt, shame, dread... I didn't want to deal with it. What I've found though is that I'm not responsible for confessing that to her dad... IBLP made up that requirement. Instead I'm responsible for confessing my sin to God. Also, once God brings the right partner into your life it can be easier than one might think to confess these things to her, because if she's the right one for you she will understand and still love you, because unlike ATI's version of love, true love is unconditional. Thank you for sharing your story, Kylar, God will continue to guide your steps--I am sure!
I think your article is going to change lives, Kylar. Even just the title defining it as a different kind of sexual abuse is very revolutionary in what has traditionally been perceived as sexual abuse.
What took place within the ATI circle in regard to male and female sexuality was so extreme that it could no longer remain behind the closed doors of the Institute and so many 'godly' perfect looking homeschooling family's homes.
Thank you Kylar for being so transparent and open. I believe alot of people are going to come to freedom because of it.
Love, Mum : ) ♥ ♥ ♥
[...] a response to my son’s article, he was recently asked, “Kylar, where was your mom in all of [...]
Kylar,
Thank you for the courage to relate your story (exceptionally well-written, I might add). It was painful to read, which of course only dimly reflects the pain of your personal experience.
I'm especially thankful for the insight and perspective your story provides for dads like me. I have a 12-year old son, and I really want to be careful how I handle matters of sexuality. He seems a lot like you describe yourself in this story, so it is very helpful for me to understand what might be going through his mind. (I can't look back at my own experience at 12, because by that time I had already been heavily exposed to overt sexual temptation from numerous sources -- I was not as 'innoncent' as my son is.)
Above all, I don't want to drive my son away from the Lord by distorting biblical, Christian ethics into bizarre cultural (or anti-cultural) legalistic moralism. I want him to love the Lord even more than I do!
Your story is amazing and very interesting. I'm extremely sorry for what you endured.
[...] around, I came across this remarkable and moving little memoir about growing up in a household where the parents followed the teachings of a particularly [...]
[...] with women.But boys in Christian families are subject to it, too.That’s why you need to read this post by Kylar D. at Recovering Grace. Check out how his father talked to him about sex and how it [...]
Kylar: I am so sorry this all happened to you. I am truly amazed at the beauty of who you have had the strength to become.
Thank you for your story.
CV
Thanks for sharing Kylar!
I didn't grow up under the influence of the same movement...but somehow...though I'm not American, my own views on modesty have sometimes seemed too unrealistic,(mainly influenced by my church's culture!)
Your note, even your personal additional one, has given me a much wider perspective. Thanks for that, as you shared, you opened the door to help in the transformation of lives!
Thanks so much for sharing, Kylar. I inwardly shudder at the monstrosities, things like what happened to you, all in the name of god's best. Glad you could break away from those twisted approaches to life. The women in your life are lucky to know you.
Thank you so much Kylar for writing this.I am so proud of you.You had a bad childhood yet you have accomplished so much and you are helping so many people and encouraging them in lives.You are truly an amazing person and the greatest brother!I am honored to be your sister!
I love you so much!!!
Yours Truly,
Tayla Dunn <3 <3 <3
[...] for the spiritual destruction that has taken place. His refusal to acknowledge or address the sexual, physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse that is daily being brought to light by Recovering Grace [...]
this was a heartbreaking read...took a lot of courage to share. just wow.
funny story on this note: the very first night my husband met me at ALERT, he went back to the dorms and in conversation asked
"Hey what was the name of that new girl there tonight? You know, the real pretty one?"
instantly the whole room was looking at him with shocked expressions, to which he replies
"What!? It's not my fault she's pretty. God made her that way. If God makes a beautiful sunset and I say 'Wow, what a beautiful sunset' nobody would think twice about it!" (rough second hand recounting, of course)
this was a revolutionary concept to everyone there, and sparked quite a bit of conversation, realization, and relief! even my then future husband was a bit shocked at his own revelation, and boldness.
so many hours of grief and guilt because of natural, even *healthy* human attractions. so much wasted energy that could have been spent on something useful. SO grateful we serve a God would works all that together for our good.
Thank you for pointing this out; I was just scrolling to find the comment form to say something similar. Noticing and appreciating beauty is not the same thing as lust. If my husband didn't think there are beautiful women around us, I'd think there was something seriously wrong with his eyes. *I* see beautiful women around us.
Please let that be an encouragement to those of you young men who are yet-unmarried. We don't find you predatory or perverted just because you recognize the beauty in God's creation.
Wow. It's so horrible that this one man has made the life of so many children so hard.
I never directly belonged to ATI, but we went to a church whose members were. We went to the Basic Training Institutes, and my Dad bought all his books - When I was in 9th grade my parents decided they were going to homeschool myself & my sister.
So now that I was pulled away from every normal teenager in the world and exposed ONLY to the "ATI" members of this church, my life went downhill. I remember being 15 and these girls had "wedding dairies" they already subscribed to wedding magazines and they were planning how many kids they were having and what their names would be - I swore I would never marry and have kids just because these girls couldn't just 'live' life and enjoy being a teen..., I played basketball with the boys (um in a skirt with sweatpants underneath none the less, so I wouldn't "offend" anyone)..., I was automatically REBELLIOUS and the BAD ONE.., less people were allowed to hang out with me..,
So I decided to take on the role. Met a guy at the church and 'dated' him behind our parents back - and at 17 I lost my virginity to him. Because we figured since we weren't 'good enough' and we never made anyone happy with what we did, why not just go all the way?
He told his friend, who told his Dad who told our Pastor. Our Pastor called our parent's into his office and told them that their children weren't virgins anymore, and that we had sex.
Wow.
ON TOP OF THIS we were EXCOMMUNICATED from the church. When I needed people the most, they turned their backs on me. Even a family whom I had known all my life, told me I wasn't welcome at her son'd birthday party! THEY ANNOUNCED IT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CHURCH, and until we APOLOGIZED in front of the church, we weren't allowed back..,
Can you imagine being a 17 yr old girl, already feeling alone, used, scared, and this happening?
I am soo thankful that God spoke to my Dad's heart and took us out of that church -he did want me to make 'amends' with the church so it wouldn't be 'held over my head for the rest of my life' so I met with the elders and pastors and I wrote a letter for them to read to the congregation.
My Dad was there the day the letter was read - I wrote quite a bit but one thing I did say was "I do not seek or need your forgiveness, God had given me that, and HE is the only one I need forgiveness from. Instead of being here for me when I needed the support, and encouragement, you ALL turned your back on me. But all I need is Him".
My Dad said there wasn't a dry eye - MAYBE I got thru to some of them. Maybe not.
But I can still say even talking about this 15 years later, the feelings get all stirred up again. I have 3 children of my own and I am trying to make sure NO ONE EVER EVER makes them feel this way.
[...] around, I came across this remarkable and moving little memoir about growing up in a household where the parents followed the teachings of a particularly [...]
There is a wonderful book by Edward Welch called "Shame Interrupted." For anyone struggling with guilt and shame be it from spiritual abuse or actual physical abuse or personal struggles, this book is a must read!
Wow...
I applaud your strength to come forward with this testimony. I was one of the ATI students with parents that protected me from that sort of abuse. There were still things I was taught that, through regular study in the Word, God has corrected in my life.
One of the major things was, to get emotional pleasure out of seeing the human form was sin. That is just not so. God created our emotional and hormonal response to the naked form. That physical response is not lust, therefore not sin.
It was an emotionally freeing experience to realize that I wasn't lusting to enjoy art that portrayed the nude human form (male or female). It wasn't lusting to have a hormonal response to a good looking waitress at the restaurant spend time chatting and even flirting with me (She was trying to get a bigger tip and I needed some human contact). As long as my thoughts (not hormonal responses) were under control there is no sin in enjoying human contact, conversation and even flirting with someone of the opposite sex.
I'm so sorry that you had this as your childhood Kylar. It makes me upset and sad to see the joy of life taken from children. It was not right for your father to place himself between you and God that way and to take your value from you in such a shameful manner.
Your statement, "I felt trapped in the horror of God’s best for my life." is so much what I felt as well. The immense dread in realizing that I would never be good enough or know what was right for myself made me decide that I would never get married or have children. How could I?
I'm so glad for you that you've discovered a relationship and peace with God for yourself. There is SO much peace is realizing that God loves all these things he "installed" in us and that, in Christ, our inability to follow all the rules does not condemn us.
It's incredible that you were able to see through the lies and begin to accept and love both yourself and others as beautiful creations of God.
You can't blame everything parent does wrong on ATI. Many bad people sometimes join various organizations, churches to make themselves look good, etc.
And some organizations tend to draw a larger proportion of "bad people" because the teachings and practices tend to support controlling and abusive behavior.
Because the teachings of Bill Gothard are so black and white, it's hard for even adults to wade through all the false and get to the truth. It exploits the love of parents, and turns it into control, through fear. Of course, there are varying degrees of mis-steps among ATI / IBLP parents. But it sets people up for this kind of thing.
Linsey, you are exactly right! "It exploits teh love of parents, and turns it into control, through fear." It sells control as the solution to fear. But Christ says that love, power and a sound mind are the answer for fear.
I appreciate this article. It is important for fathers to read this. Especially ATI fathers. Often times concerned committed Christian fathers want to truly do the best thing for their kids, and they could become as obsessed your father became. I want to believe he truly meant well and he thought following Gothard, he couldn't go wrong. "Unfortunately" (fortunately!) every family is different, and child is different and what can be good for one, isn't necessarily best for all. People go to extremes, people have different sensitivities. I deeply appreciate you sharing your story. It is going to impact the way I deal with my kids.
Kylar, words fail me... honored to hear your story... you are my hero for embracing life as God intended it, seeing through the plethora of rapes against your personhood and identity, speaking out with such grace, clarity, wisdom, and strength. As a survivor of many bizarre things ranging from Gothard to incest to FGM, I too seek redemption in the arms of the Good Shepherd.
At risk of making your grief any more acute, I invite our readers to keep Kylar's heart wrenching account in mind while reading this book by Wilder titled "Just Between Father and Son." I found it to be a healing and insightful read on the topic of entering manhood (puberty).
Much, much more useful than the World Book Encyclopedia!
Thank you for sharing your story, Kylar. You have a beautiful attitude towards life and Christianity. You are a strong young man that any girl would be very fortunate to share life with.
God bless you and may you find healing as you continue to walk through life and minister to those who have been impacted by a monster who masquerades as a shepherd. Thanks to you and others who are telling their stories, that fleece he is cloaked in may end up being removed completely.
Hey, Kylar.
Thanks for sharing.
I believe you and your readers would appreciate the liberating teaching that God and some other pastors has led me to post on the MyChainsAreGone.org website.
All of the things you were taught about not looking, not being attracted to the beauty that is "woman," equating any interest in the female form with lust... these are all lies from the enemy. This is not God's way. As you discovered, rather than enabling purity in your life, it resulted in shame, guilt, and a debilitating focus on the sexual impact of women around you on your spiritual health.
In short, it taught you to sexually objectify every woman you knew.
And it resulted in sexual bondage for you.
I hope you'll read the site. After 30+ years of struggle with pornography myself (even while serving in full-time ministry), the truth set me free... just as it has you.
By HIS Grace,
David Martin (writing as "Pastor Ed" on MCAG)
http://mychainsaregone.org
[…] “...The ultra-heavy emphasis on modesty (clothing that was loose fitting and covered the body) in the IBLP/ATI (Advanced Training Institute) circles simply compounded the feelings of worthlessness and condemnation. I felt horrible that women had to be so careful to cover up their bodies just to “help out” their perverted brothers who couldn’t stop lusting. It made me mad that there seemed to be no solution, and that women were left to feel like there was something so horribly wrong with their bodies that it must be kept hidden way. But as I grew older, I observed and understood that lust is a heart issue–never a clothing issue. A man who is given over to lust will not be helped by women buried in layers of cloth. But a man of pure heart will not indulge in selfish and abusive visions of scantily clad maidens. Observation, appreciation, and attraction are not the same as lust. Jesus was able to observe, appreciate, and know every one of His creations, and never had a selfish or abusive thought. I would love Christians to think less about modesty and more about how the motives of the heart have been wonderfully transformed by Christ….” […]
"Observation, appreciation, and attraction are not the same as lust." I love this line.
The story of his circumcision is definitely sad. Without minimizing his experience at all I want to point out that the feeling of his physical body not being his own is nearly universal among women in cultures all around the world from the beginning of time. It happens to us all the time in subtle and not so subtle ways. I hope that men who happen to experience the same dehumanizing trauma will allow their experience to positively effect how they relate to women and girls.
I always felt like my parents tried to own me, too. Nothing to that extent, but they were my "anointed authority." Who was I to question them? That's a great way to ruin a relationship. And the whole Bible is about relationships: God to Human, and Human to Human. Ironic, huh?