“One, I am One of a Kind”…

Even by simple observation of nature we see that every created thing does just what it was created to do. Trees, animals, stars, tides. Everything follows its design. Only the rebel creatures do things that are “against nature” such as cancer cells. It is not right. But then as humans we have a unique tendency to resist doing things that come naturally. Especially religious people. I think we must look at God and decide that since He is so much bigger, more amazing and unknowable than we are, that we must become very unlike ourselves to be like Him. Only striving humans could come up with this theory. God’s Son dignified the physical body and world by taking on a human body and stepping foot on our planet. Everything God creates reflects His nature already. He would not create something whose nature conflicts with His. His humility is shown by His willingness to give some of His creatures the will to chose to pursue or reject Him. It is true that we are born with two natures: human and sin. But at salvation the sin nature is replaced with the new spiritual nature. But it is so hard for us to rest in that new nature, and naturally be our new selves.

I experienced this growing up. My dad was very determined that I would be set apart for God and live a holy and pleasing life to Him. But he assumed that that meant avoiding everything that came naturally to me. In fact, he told me that God wanted to use my weakness and that if I did the things I was good at or enjoyed, that I would be relying on my own strength instead of God’s. So everything that I loved and delighted in, and was me, was evil. Everything that I wasn’t good at or was overwhelmed by, that was where God wanted me. This was where He could really use me.

Practically this translated into stopping my continuous drawing and cartooning because it wasn’t real man’s work and I could never get paid for doing that. I was 11. It meant not playing the piano anymore because it wasn’t fair for me to “play” while others worked. I was 14. It meant not playing sports anymore because sports were a distraction from Christ. I was 13. It meant not exercising because I might hurt myself and I should not be so vain as to invest in my body. I was 15. It meant not playing drums anymore because drums were of the devil and could be used to bring glory to myself. I was 12. It meant not reading because reading was an escape from reality. I was 12. It meant not going to college, because the world focuses on education and ignores character, and it is better to focus on character. I was 18.

As I was told more and more of the things I truly loved were wrong, I resigned to this growing reality with an increasing sadness and hopeless resignation. It felt like I was dying on the inside. Everything that fed my soul, everything that my being delighted in, was wrong. I was numb. Nothing delighted me. And after feeling so dead on the inside, I began to wonder why I had to be alive on the outside. I had suicidal desires frequently.

This whole concept of God only wanting to use your weakness and not your strength seemed to be supported by ATI. After all it was only pride that could result from doing the things you enjoyed, right? Several key teachings included releasing expectations as a means of avoiding disappointment in life and others. If you found yourself frustrated about something, it was probably because you still had expectations. Authority was always to be obeyed and adult children were assumed to always be under their parents no matter how old they were if they were not married. It was taught that the duty of every person under authority was to make his/her authority (father) successful (rather than pursuing God-given gifts, interests and abilities) and to set all expectations for a unique life purpose aside. Also, only an authority (father) had the wisdom to discern God’s will for his children/subordinates. Combine all these teachings with the heavily stressed movement against “individualism,” emphasizing the importance of family, and it becomes nearly improbable that the diligent ATI father would let his children do anything other than stay home and help with the family chores. While valuable truths are contained in all the teachings (value of family, graciously accepting disappointment, making authority successful), it was not close to balanced when it ceased to recognize the young person as just as much of a human as everyone else, created, redeemed and owned by God alone. It elevated the father to the practical position of God.

But at a Knoxville session for the youth at the annual ATI conference there was a guest speaker for the youth, Bruce Wilkinson. He spent a whole session speaking about how God created us with certain gifts, interests and abilities, and that we were supposed to use those as guides in living fully alive for God. I hated every word that he said. I was 18, and it was obnoxious to me. Later I understood why. He was saying something that I so desperately wanted to hear, but that was so dead in the reality I knew that it was painful to think about. I so longed for that to be reality, to be able to pursue the things that delighted me… But alas, that would not please God or my dad. Strange thing was, all the fathers had joined that youth session, so I knew Dad was listening to Bruce as well, probably angrily disagreeing with every word. I couldn’t wait to find him later that night for the main session and rage together about how unspiritual that whole message was. When I finally found him we were meeting up with some mutual friends. I asked, “So what did you think of Bruce Wilkinson?” He exclaimed, and began describing with amazing passion to our friends how brilliant and wonderful the message had been. I was stunned. I felt like I had been stabbed through the heart. Did he not realize that the message was the exact opposite of everything he had been saying my whole life? That it was the exact opposite of the whole month of family service I was asked to perform as a requirement for graduation so that I would remember that God would only be pleased with me serving in ways that didn’t involve my favorite joys? More numbness and blind following ensued.

Fortunately I was also reading the Bible constantly and memorizing whole books from the New Testament. It wasn’t long before I started seeing something that sparked hope: the heart of God. No religious person I knew was talking about the things I was beginning to see in Scripture. It was coming alive with Love, Joy, Peace, Graciousness, Forgiveness, New Life. As I memorized Galatians I was meditating on the fact that if I add any requirements for pleasing God to Christ’s death, I make His sacrifice of no effect. As I memorized Colossians I meditated on Paul’s rebuke for those who followed the rudiments of the world and traditions of men, those things that have a show of wisdom but don’t mean anything to God.

The kicker was realizing that I would stand before God some day and He would ask me with all the delighted expectation of a loving and interested Father what I did with the gifts, interests and abilities that He gave me. If I kept on at the rate I was going, I would have to honestly say nothing. If he were to ask why not, my best answer would have been because my dad wouldn’t let me, and it was more important to me to keep him happy. I realized this had to dramatically change. So with some encouragement from my mom, I joined the Marines. It had been a life-long dream.

Being 22 when you first start making your own decisions in life doesn’t equate an easy road, especially when your dad and all the people you’ve associated with for ten years believe you are rebelling from God and choosing hell. I had spent all those years being trained at home, working in my dad’s business, not doing anything but only what he wanted from me and being micro-managed in every aspect. Now I was relying on my Creator, not really sure what human I should or shouldn’t trust. Everything I did felt like I was taking a huge risk. Everything, every normal thing, was stepping out of my comfort zone. I changed to Marine Reserves so I would have more flexibility. Boot camp got moved up four months and the adventure was on.

After six months of active training I continued stepping out of my comfort zone, and haven’t stopped in the last eight-plus years. I have not stepped out randomly, but in ways that lined up with my gifts interests and abilities (except for the jobs I had to get to make ends meet). But I have pursued many things that make me feel fully alive. I had been massaging feet and shoulders of friends and family for years, so I went to massage school and got licensed. I have always been interested in dance, so I took ballet and Scottish Highland. I loved fitness, so I began learning and training at the YMCA. Soccer was always my favorite sport, so I signed up to play indoor soccer at a local sports park. I even organized a team for three years. I hadn’t played drums for 14 years, but when my church needed another drummer, with trepidation I volunteered to learn to play again, and have played for over four years now. I had never been able to get my associates degree, so I went to school online full-time while working at the YMCA full-time and earned my AOS in personal training in 18 months. I love teaching/coaching others and sharing hope and love, so I earned a certificate in life coaching and then graduated from a Bible and ministry school.

Just as the deer glorifies God by being swift and agile, the elephant glorifies God by being strong and loyal, the flower glorifies God by being beautiful and sweet, and the sunrise glorifies God by being radiant, so we glorify God by being just what He made us to be, and doing those things that delight us. He doesn’t create anything that He doesn’t delight in. So we shouldn’t be afraid to pursue and become what we delight in. Live life fully alive. There is no one on the earth that can be precisely what you delight most to be. You cannot be replaced. You are unique of all God’s creations. Don’t waste any time on those who would tell you how you ought to please God, asking you to become something you are not. Simply delight in His delight in you. Pursue your joy. Pleasing God cannot be life-limiting, but life-releasing. He said so. (Ecclesiastes 9:10; John 10:9-11)