Barbwired Heart

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Barbwired Heart

Barbwired Heart

15 October 2011, 04:10

I was reading the “Living as God Designed” post on Recovering Grace and started crying (something I almost never do). Here’s the part where the dam burst: “Just as the deer glorifies God by being swift and agile, the elephant glorifies God by being strong and loyal, the flower glorifies God by being beautiful and sweet, and the sunrise glorifies God by being radiant, so we glorify God by being just what He made us to be, and doing those things that delight us. He doesn’t create anything that He doesn’t delight in. So we shouldn’t be afraid to pursue and become what we delight in. Live life fully alive. There is no one on the earth that can be precisely what you delight most to be. You cannot be replaced. You are unique of all God’s creations. Don’t waste any time on those who would tell you how you ought to please God, asking you to become something you are not. Simply delight in His delight in you. Pursue your joy. Pleasing God cannot be life-limiting, but life-releasing. He said so. (Ecclesiastes 9:10; John 10:9-11)”

I was told growing up that my purpose on this planet was to serve my dad, because someday I’d have to serve my husband. No matter what I thought, it was his way or the highway.

If this is true, then why did it make me so miserable? Why did my dad tell me I have a hard heart (and no one wants that)? Why have I always felt condemnation and inadequacy from him, no matter how hard I tried to “submit” to his authority? Why have I never been able to measure up, even after “serving” for over four years in the Institute in Basic Life Principles? Why can’t I trust him? If I was supposed to feel safe in this situation, why did I contemplate driving my car off a bridge on more than one occasion?

Imagine all your talents, dreams, hopes--whatever makes your heart soar--as delicate crystal figurines. You didn't make them--they were gifts from someone very important. You display them proudly on a shelf in your home. People admire them. You smile and tell them about the person who gave them to you. You demonstrate what they do, and how much joy they bring you and those around you. The crystals glow with life and light.

Then one day, you’re told you can’t display them anymore. They aren’t practical or proper, but instead a distraction. You must shut them up in a plain box and shove them far into the attic. You’re devastated, but you obey. Confusion and hopelessness grow in your heart. The future, which had once looked so promising and bright is now a pile of ashes. A narrow, dark path is before you, with glowing eyes of disapproval glowering down from every angle. Instead of sallying forth with a song in your heart, you creep along one inch at a time, desperately hoping you don’t make a wrong move. Your walls are now bare and blank and gray. You can just make out the marks on the shelf where the figurines once sat, a mere shadow of the light that once sat there. You sit and stare at the empty space, your heart breaking. Then someone gives you an ugly thing made of barbwire and darkness and fear and tells you THIS is what you are made for, THIS will bring you holiness and happiness. You’re reluctant, but you put the thing on the shelf anyway. After all, they seem to know what they’re talking about. It isn’t long until the ugliness on your wall tears your heart to shreds, and everyone wonders what happened to you.

Time goes by. Then one day, you are struck with the thought that this isn’t right. You dig around in the attic, find the plain box, and carefully take it to the shelf. You pick up the ugly thing and toss it in the garbage. Then you take each figurine out of the box, dust it off, and put it back in its place. The shelf is scarred and dented from years of misuse, and you’re scared half to death you might do something wrong. But then the sun breaks through the gloom, catching the crystals and sending arcs of light bending across the walls. You stare, transfixed. A giant weight falls from your shoulders and for the first time in years, you can breathe.

I haven’t arrived. I haven’t figured it all out yet. I’m still scared to death of making mistakes, of making the “almost-but-not-quite-best” decision and failing somehow. But like someone very wise once said, “What have you got to lose?”

So, I’m taking the crystal figurines out of the box and setting them in the sunlight again. What are you doing to break out of the barbwire?

Rachel's family was in ATI for about 20 years, and five out of the seven kids served at different training centers around the world. Since getting out, Rachel has worked as a nanny in Antigua, a school teacher, and currently works at a photography studio. The road to realizing God does not hate her and actually cares about her has been long and hard, but worth the trouble. Pulling barbwire out of something is painful!

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

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7 Comments

"Hope" October 15, 2011 Reply

Rachel,

Thanks for the beautiful post! So poignant and sad! "The shelf is scarred and dented from years of misuse, and you’re scared half to death you might do something wrong." I'm sad for you and me and all of us who experienced that.

I love your next statement - "But then the sun breaks through the gloom, catching the crystals and sending arcs of light bending across the walls. You stare, transfixed. A giant weight falls from your shoulders and for the first time in years, you can breathe." Hope, beauty!

I remember thinking too that because our hearts are "wicked" my desires are bad and then thinking that I'm supposed to live out of my weaknesses, not my strengths.

What am I doing to break out of the barb wire? I've started considering my feelings and listening to my heart in making decisions. One question I ask myself is "What activities bring life and what activities bring death?" Or "what energizes me vs. what drains me?" For me pursuing those things that bring me life and energizes me is bringing the crystal out again and getting rid of the barbed wire.

Oh, and I'm so excited what I just learned even more this week about what it means to be a woman and let my femininity show! Away with the baggy tops, the blouses that are only two fingers away from my collar bone, and pants where I can pinch one inch on each side (remember that at ES?) It feels so weird right now, but part of breaking out of the barbed wire for me is letting my beauty (and shape) as woman show!

Thanks for your heart-felt words!

-Eureka! :)
- Rachel K. October 15, 2011 Reply
  
  Eureka! i miss you! it's been a long time since equip VII and ITI! and thank you for the encouragement. and yes, i DO remember that at ES. :)
Karis October 15, 2011 Reply

What a beautiful picture! Thanks for sharing.
Darcy October 15, 2011 Reply

Rachel, so beautiful! And so perfect. Thank you for sharing this.
SaraJ October 15, 2011 Reply

Such a good allegory -- is it an allegory? -- to picture what so many of us have struggled with. I'm glad that I never had my beautiful crystals taken away from me, although I did shove them to the back of the shelf because I didn't think they were important enough. Thanks for posting this.
Sarah October 16, 2011 Reply

Wonderfully written Rachel!!! I loved the picture, and can totally relate...especially this part
"Instead of sallying forth with a song in your heart, you creep along one inch at a time, desperately hoping you don’t make a wrong move. Your walls are now bare and blank and gray. You can just make out the marks on the shelf where the figurines once sat, a mere shadow of the light that once sat there."
I'm just now beginning to gain the courage to get my crystals back out and put them back on my shelf... thank you for such a hopeful, healing testimony!!
Heather June 22, 2012 Reply

Beautiful, thank you! I was so afraid I was sinning by pursuing my dreams and ENJOYING every minute of it! (When it was God who gave me the gifts and desires to fulfill those dreams in the first place!) Love the part about, "God doesn't hate me." SO true!

Barbwired Heart

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