I was saved at the age of 5. I remember where I was and the basic content of the conversation with my dad that led up to me accepting the gift of eternal life.

Over the next 8 years, I don’t remember many specifics about my life as a Christian. I do remember a hunger to know more about God and how He wanted me to live and serve Him.

When I was 13 years old, I attended my first basic seminar. It was very overwhelming to hear about the seven basic principles and the 32 hours of explanation that went with them. One thing I vividly remember was the teaching about “driving a stake” to mark your salvation so that if you had any doubts about your salvation, you could go back and point to a specific place and time that you became a Christian. I had never doubted my salvation, until that moment. I couldn’t name the exact date or time (even though I had a very clear recollection of the events and the general time it occurred).  Because of this, I did as the man had done behind his barn and marked the date of September 12, 1984 in the Abilene Convention Center as my stake before the Lord.

This then began a season in my life where I made every possible commitment to the Lord to try to be a better Christian and to have all my ducks in a row. My family was going through some of the IBLP materials and it seemed every turn of the page brought to light another way that I needed to “commit” to serve the Lord better.

This reached a whole new level when our family was accepted into ATIA in 1986. Now we were studying the Wisdom Booklets as well as all the other IBLP publications every day. I still had a heart that wanted to know God, so I was now making commitments right and left and had a very hard time even remembering everything I had “committed” to do.

Another 2 years found me at a Northwoods Legislative Seminar where I was invited to work at IBLP Headquarters.  This was a huge privilege because there were only 20 young people there at the time and I would be, by far, the youngest one there. I took advantage of every learning opportunity I could and spent many evenings in Mr. Gothard’s office as he wrote materials and answered correspondence.

At some point through all of this, Mr. Gothard presented the teaching on taking a “vow” to read your Bible 5 minutes per day. We were then told the story of the man who made a vow foolishly in the Old Testament and was forced to kill his own daughter to fulfill the vow. Needless to say, this put a very fearful aspect and seriousness to the vow. We were then told that should we break our vow by failing to read our Bible for 5 minutes per day, we would need to “catch up” by reading extra however many days we needed to in order to make sure we had the total number of minutes. At this time, I was still so eager to please everyone that I made the vow even though I had a lot of reservations about doing so.

This was the beginning of the end of my joy in the Christian life. I now had added on the top of an insurmountable number of commitments, a vow that I was scared to death to break. I knew in my heart that I had only set myself up for failure.

My walk with God had become a formula with a checklist. Did I fulfill my vow today? Check. Did I remember to spend a good bit of time praying? Check. Did I remember to keep my thoughts pure? Check. Did I remember to clear my conscience? Check. The list went on and on. The problem with this was that I was no longer desiring to know God more intimately, I was simply wanting to check the boxes to make sure I didn’t fall under severe judgment from God.

This started a downward spiral in my spiritual health. I was suddenly afraid to even spend time with God because I might say or do something wrong that would result in His displeasure. (Yes, I do know that God sees and hears everything even before it happens, but I was so burdened with my commitments that it felt easier to avoid His direct presence and hope He would turn a blind eye.) Through an illness where I wasn’t able to read very easily, I “got behind” on my vow. I tried a time or two to get caught up, but I was suddenly so far behind that I knew I would never meet with God’s requirement for me and I just needed to hang on and wait for the proverbial shoe to fall.

The shoe never fell like I expected it to…I kept waiting and turning each corner, sure that I would run smack dab into the wrath of God. Instead, I was feeling His blessing on my life.  He had given me a wonderful husband and three adorable children. Yes, some “bad” things had happened, but it all felt like a normal ebb and flow of life and not a catastrophic judgment.

Over the past months, the Lord has been slowly and lovingly wooing me back to Himself. He has been opening my eyes to how all of the commitments and vows had diverted my focus from a vibrant, exciting relationship with him to a formula with a checklist that promised me spiritual success, but just set me up for spiritual failure.

When I substituted the best relationship correlation that I knew of (the relationship with my husband), I realized how frustrating this must have been to my Savior. If I had a checklist of how I needed to please my husband and did nothing but that checklist, the relationship would be non-existent. Not to mention the fact that it would be totally one-sided because I wouldn’t have time to listen.

When I started talking through some of my frustration and heartache with my husband, he released me from my vow that was binding me to failure. This also released me to begin anew with developing a relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is a daily process. Some days I don’t spend the quality time that I would like, but I know that He is there waiting on me when I do take the time.  In many ways, this sense of Him waiting patiently and lovingly for me to come and know more of Him exhilarates me to want to spend more time in His Presence.

All of the commitments I made while under the teaching of IBLP were good in and of themselves. There are many that I still believe are exactly how God wants me to live. However, I have realized that these commitments need to be gifts of love to present to my Savior as an outflowing of my grateful heart for all He has done for me. They don’t need to be the answer for the perfect Christian life and therefore become a god unto themselves.